Dear 25 Year Old Amy,
Dear 25 Year Old Amy,
Oh sweet Amy, if I could go back in time and hold your face in my hands, I would whisper many things to you. With the advantage of looking back, I am armed with some truths that I wish I could place in your heart.
You will celebrate 4 years of marriage in a few months and your sweet baby boy will turn a year old in a few weeks. I know your hopes for a large family. You will have four beautiful, amazing children, but the journey will come with some unexpected loss and grief - miscarriages and diagnoses. Your marriage is rock solid, and you are still completely head over heels in love with Scott. Jesus will move you past your introvertedness and insecurities and place you before women, sharing with them your love for God’s Word as you teach Bible studies that you wrote. I know - I am sure that last one just leaves your jaw open in disbelief. But, it is true. You will move with half your family to another country to serve as missionaries - crazy! Amy, all of your prayers, tears, hard work, heartaches, and desires to be a good wife and mom will produce fruit which God will grant you many opportunities to see.
I watch you flitting around the room, and I just want to take your hands, sit with you, and share a couple of truths that I have discovered along the way. Believing that you need to know them, I want to place them in the very hands that I am holding.
You will never, ever be perfect. Like - EVER. With an additional 20 years of living, life experiences and a lot of reflection, I now understand that your desire for perfection is rooted in your belief that in order to be loved, you must be good. Right. Perfect. You believe there is no room for error or imperfection because the end result would be love withheld from you. Judgment made. Someone would see the flaws and never let you forget them. That possibility is too great so you just keep moving. Doing. Achieving. Hiding. The goal of perfection and being good will only lead you to disappointment in yourself and in others. Let it go. I say that not in a flippant way, but I actually mean let go of this unachievable goal - this false narrative. You are loved in spite of your faults, weaknesses, imperfections. You are loved because of all of you - including those very things that you are desperately trying to hide or remove. When your husband, family, and friends see you as a woman who struggles but still loves God and loves others, they accept you. When they see you struggle, admit wrong doing, and still push into your relationship with Jesus, they cheer for you. When they see you needing help and asking for it, you are providing them with an opportunity to actively love you. All of the years you will spend trying to hide the imperfections will only lead you to insecurities of yourself and unwarranted disappointment in others. Amy - embrace the imperfections and remember that the ONE who created you - well, He is perfect. You were designed WITH a purpose and FOR a purpose, lean into it. Trust that God works in and through your imperfections because when you are weak, He is strong.
Slow down and be present. I see you loving on an almost 1 year old Jacob. (Oh my word - He is just the cutest thing and you are going to be so proud of who he is and who he becomes!) I see you wanting to do everything you can to be a good momma for him. I see you doing - being busy doing stuff. If I could tell you another thing 25 year old Amy, it would be to slow down just a tad and be present. You are so busy doing all the little things that you are missing some of the best parts of being a momma. You are missing the playing, laughing, experiencing life through the eyes of a 1 year old. I, also, know that this busyness will continue to be a struggle for you. When your Jacob is joined by 3 others kids, you will exert a lot of energy creating a safe, clean environment, but fail to spend as much time living and enjoying the mess. Let me be clear - I believe your adult kids will say that you have been a great mom and that they know that you love them. But, I also believe that their memories of you being truly present and listening to their hearts are few and far between. Listening to them and hearing them is one of those things you cannot go back and redo. Oh your kids have so much to share and they want to share it with you. Listen to them! (Helpful hint - That boy of yours will talk to you when he is a teenager if you just take him to eat!) Slow down and be present because it is worth it and you will not regret it. They are so worth it.
Your time will come, but in the meantime keep on dreaming. Scott will begin his first Masters degree in a few months. Yes, I said first! (Don’t worry he will only get two.) He has ambition and these degrees are necessary for what he wants to do. You will support him and give him time and space to go to class, write papers, and do all the things he needs to do to get the degrees finished. Simultaneously, dreams of your own will begin to bubble up. Scott wholeheartedly supports you and wants you to chase your dreams, but you will play the martyr because you think that is how the story should be written. You incorrectly believe that moms must always be the martyr so that Hubs and kids are able to achieve and strive. Be patient. Keep dreaming. Practice writing. Creating. Teaching. Your time will come, and your sweet man is going to support you 100 percent. He believes in you. During the years of waiting (and learning), seek ways to believe in yourself. You will find that there is no shortage of people who see your abilities, but you will have the most difficult time trusting that your voice matters. Remind yourself over and over that your desire to create and write is not about you, but it has always been about encouraging others and glorifying God. If your audience of ONE is pleased then you will be blessed beyond all imagination.
I cannot wait for you to meet your daughters, Emma Grace, Scottie, and Zoey. Mothering 3 daughters continues to polish and refine you because your deepest desire is to be a godly role model for them. And these daughters you will raise are strong, vocal, and opinionated. Your family is like many families. There are hard days and there are fun days that are just a little easier. The next 20 years are beautiful and full of joy even when things are hard.
The truth is as much as I want to give you these truths so that you don’t falter and stumble through the next 20 years, maybe you need to falter and stumble. You were able to model repentance and forgiveness to your children because of all of the mistakes you made along the way. Your experiences (the good and the bad) have become the very material you write from now. Your marriage was made stronger because of how hard you and Scott tirelessly worked to create a loving, thriving marriage. Your relationship with Jesus was made stronger during the times you waded through your insecurities and unknowns. I guess I don’t want you to know too much of your future because the truth is, you did the best you could with what you had. And when you knew better, you did better.
Sweet 25 year old Amy, give your baby a hug and kiss today. Tell Scott you are proud of him. Then go before God and give Him thanks for all that He has done, is doing, and will continue to do in your life and in and through your family.
I am proud of Amy and you are loved.
Love,
45 Year Old Amy