Perception vs. Truth
Staring down at the number, I was dumbstruck. What I perceived to be true, the story I created in my head, was in fact a lie. What I witnessed with my eyes and how I interpreted what I saw was not factually true.
In the fall of 2018, I experienced a wake up call. A few statements by well intended people commenting about my weight replayed themselves in my head - over and over. Looking at the scale, I knew what they said was true - it was the heaviest I had ever been without being pregnant. I would see a picture of myself and not recognize the woman in the picture because she did not match up with how I imagine myself. (In my head, I always see 21 year old Amy!) I determined that I would do something about it for myself but also to end the voices in my head.
I am a stubborn woman with incredible self control when I can wrangle in my feelings and create a solid plan. The plan was to lose the 20 pounds by counting calories and exercising. I became wildly obsessed, noting every single thing I ate and entering it into my app. I craved the long walks, the quietness yoga provided, and the numbing out on a exercise bike. My efforts paid off, but it took time and persistence. I reached my goal weight at 9 months, but then our life shifted.
We were packing up our home and preparing to embark on our journey to the Dominican Republic. We were gypsies living in other people’s spaces and all sense of normalcy and healthy rhythms disappeared. I stopped counting calories. I stopped exercising.
We arrive in the DR and I notice that I don’t feel right in my skin. I know what I ought to do, but it is NOT what I want to do. I want to eat what I want to eat. I want to read my books and not spend the time practicing yoga or pilates. I certainly don’t want to go on a walk in our neighborhood because that would push me beyond my comfort level. So I hide.
The uneasiness in my body continues. I just don’t like how I feel or what I see in the mirror. All of that hard work and dedication just slipping away and I am literally just standing by allowing it to happen. I feel my confidence slipping. I watch my sweet friends exercising daily and being ever so mindful of what they eat and I don’t feel inspired but rather defeated because of my lack of motivation.
But two weeks ago, I woke up with a renewed determination. I didn’t plan it ahead of time - I am a girl who likes to put together a plan, but I didn’t. I knew two things - I needed to watch my calorie intake and make healthy food choices, and I needed to move my body. Every bite is accounted for on my trusty phone app. I say no when I need to say no and make a choice at every meal and snack. I feel stronger because I am being thoughtful in my choices.
As Scott heads out to grab some groceries, I ask him to buy a scale so I can properly monitor my weight loss. Knowing the number will help me to know what is working and what is not.
Stepping onto that scale, I fully expected the number to be close to what it was in the summer of 2018. What I saw in the mirror was the best indicator of what was happening. But here is the truth - it was not what I thought or believed to be true. Oh I had gained some weight, but it was less than 5 pounds. Not 20 pounds. How could my eyes and feelings confuse me so much that I saw and felt something that was not true? Months of feeling frumpy and trying to hide my body and it was all a lie - a mind game that I created and played. My opponent in that game was in fact me. I needed a scientific number to speak truth to me and to shine light on the lie.
““Everything exposed by the light is made visible, for what makes everything visible is light. Therefore it is said: Get up, sleeper, and rise up from the dead, and Christ will shine on you.””
All week, I kept thinking of the many months I allowed feelings to guide my actions and alter what I saw. My perception and thought patterns were wrong. What other areas of my life do I allow my feelings and perceptions to alter what is true - religion, politics, social justice, racism, conservatism, liberalism, pandemic, conspiracy theories, motivations, and the list goes on and on. I must take a step back and bring out the scale that will shine light on the world around me and show me truth. So I sit with the Bible in my lap and I ask God to show me truth. If that truth is inconvenient or hard to accept, may I not close the Bible but rather dive in more. If that truth reveals sin in my life, may I not justify my actions and words but repent. If that truth forces me to have hard conversations, may I not shy away but lean into them. If the truth is not what I have always believed or done, may I not become stagnant but walk towards growth.
I do not want to perceive the world through faulty eyes. I want to see it as it is and make choices that align with the truth. And I will wholly embrace what is and hope for what could be, just as I will wholly embrace this imperfect body and hope for eyes to see it clearly.