So Much More (9/22/2017)
More.
I want more for my life than settling.
I want more for my life than just getting by.
I want more for my life than busy.
I want more for my life than surface relationships.
I want more for my life than hiding from the big dreams.
More.
I want more for my family than full, busy schedules.
I want more for my family than rushing through our day just to get to bedtime.
I want more for my family than biting our tongues and not fully sharing our hearts.
I want more for my family than co-existing in a home without spending quality time with one another.
I want more for my family than entrusting discipleship to someone else.
More.
I want more for my marriage than being roommates.
I want more for my marriage than hiding our thoughts, fears, and dreams.
I want more for my marriage than a shared partnership in raising our children.
I want more for my marriage than just talking about the things of God to and from church and not at any other time.
I want more for my marriage than just creating memories for the sake of holidays, pictures, and expectations.
More.
I want more for my spiritual life than just checking off a box.
I want more in my relationship with Jesus.
I want more from those who lead me.
I want more giving and serving the least of these.
I want more of God's Word
More.
I want more because I believe there is more to be had.
I don't want more possessions, attention, or pats on the back. I
don't want more for the sake of accumulating more money, things, people, or power.
I don't want more of the world.
I want more of my Jesus living fully in my life. I want abundantly more than I could ever dream possible because there is SO MUCH MORE to this life...to my Jesus...to His plan for my life.
"Now to him who is able to do far more abundantly than all that we ask or think, according to the power at work within us." Ephesians 3:20
My Jesus is able to do far MORE (abundantly MORE) than anything I could ask for or think. All of those big dreams that require courage and an incredible amount of faith, He wants to lead me. A rich and beautiful marriage that is truly a biblical marriage and exemplifies the love Jesus has for his church...He wants to give it to me. A family that loves one another (and enjoys one another) and loves the Lord...He is orchestrating the details. A relationship with Jesus that is beautiful and intimate...He is waiting for me to enter into it. A life lived loudly, boldly, and full of truth...He encourages and equips me to live it.
For far too long I have bought into the lie that I do not deserve more. I am not gifted or capable of more. I am not smart enough. Eloquent enough. Spiritual enough. Beautiful enough. Oh the enough list is far too long! My head knows that the "not enough" list is full of lies. My head knows, but my heart doesn't always feel it. I am tired of looking around and wondering what if, yet closing my hands and not receiving what God is trying to give. I am fed up with believing the lies of the world. I cannot afford to miss any more time. My family, my marriage, my God plans, my relationships, my Jesus...they deserve SO MUCH MORE, and it is time. Time to open my hands and throw them into the air and praise the One who created me. Loves me. And dreams BIG dreams for me.
I want more. SO MUCH MORE. Do you?
Seeking the One (10/30/2017)
Disappointment comes from the failure of a sinner to meet my expectations. Expectations they never agreed to meeting. Expectations that are not achievable. Disappointment robs us from joy. And I, for one, want joy in my life!
I will seek the One who loves me unconditionally.
I will seek the One who does not change
I will seek the One who is righteous.
I will seek the One who wants more for me than I could ever dream or imagine.
I will seek my Lord. My Savior.
I will seek the One who loves and adores my children.
I will seek the One who protects.
I will seek the One who is the author and perfecter of not just my life, but the lives of my family.
I will seek the One who knows all things before they come to be.
I will seek my Lord. My Savior.
I will seek the One who created.
I will seek the One who is my groom and is coming back for me, his bride.
I will seek the One who knows my heart.
I will seek the One I can call Abba.
I will seek my Lord. My Savior.
I will seek the One who will not disappoint.
I will seek the One who is big enough to not just meet my expectations, but surpass them.
I will see the One who loves with such mercy and grace.
I will seek my Lord. My Savior.
Seeking joy in the Joy Giver will fill me with an overflowing joy. And that overflowing joy will flow out of my daily life and allow me to love and serve like Jesus. Oh, I will seek you my Joy Giver. My Lord. My Savior.
Vulnerability (9/12/2017)
I am by nature NOT an adventurer. I completely panic when I need to go somewhere new. I do not want to jump out of plane, zip-line through a rain forest, swim with sharks, or bungee jump. I am not a fan of heights and the idea of trusting a railing on balcony...well don't get me started. My heart pounds just typing these experiences that I never EVER want to experience.
So when my sweet man says he believes that God wants our next step in ministry to be one that will require us to be 100% dependent on other people to provide financially, I may have smiled and said, "I am all in", but the reality is I felt anxious and unsure. There was not one part of me hesitant about Scott joining the Makarios family. There was not one part of me that doubted that Scott would be amazing at the job and the ministry would be perfect for Scott. There was not one part of me that hesitated in wanting to join Scott and Makarios.
But the what-ifs began to plague my restless mind.
Would people really give financially every month to help?
Would this job change keep Scottie from being able to attend her amazing school?
Would we be anxious every month and unsure if we could pay our mortgage?
Would people judge us if we took our kids on vacation? Or bought another car?
Would I be OK with the lack of control over where the money comes from?
Ah, control. You see, ultimately it is a control issue for me. The dependability a "normal" job gives our family gives me a false sense of control. Scott has been laid off before and I didn't feel out of control. Scott has worried about his job stability and whether he would still have a job, but I didn't feel out of control. There is something very vulnerable about asking others to support your family, so that your husband can work full time for a non-profit ministry. There is something vulnerable about relying on others to give monthly to your family. There is something vulnerable about resigning a job without knowing when the next pay check will arrive in your bank account.
When we read New Testament accounts of the disciples leaving jobs to follow Jesus, we learn that they completely relied on the generosity of other believers. When did we lose this sense of community and complete abandonment to ministry? They had no control over who would feed them their next meal...ok, so Jesus was with them and He had this ability to multiply fish and bread to feed thousands. But isn't that same Jesus with Scott? Me? My family?
Vulnerability = Lack of Control
In order to be vulnerable, I need to give away the control I so desperately wrap my hands around hoping that I can alter the outcome in our favor.
In order to be vulnerable, I must be willing to bare all, including our finances and monthly budget.
In order to be vulnerable, I welcome the giving of others.
The beauty in being vulnerable is that we enter into more intimate relationship with those who support us. The inspiring part of being vulnerable is that others' faithfulness to God and generosity with us will encourage not only my family but those we tell our story to. Maybe the option of whether I want to be vulnerable or not needs to be taken away from our family. Perhaps our new adventure includes bringing us back into the fold of what a true biblical community looks and feels like. Oh, how I would like to control this entire situation, but for now I will rest in the knowledge that there is ONE who is in control and His plan is bigger, better and more beautiful than our plan.
If I am going to write or teach about vulnerability and intimacy with Jesus and with the body of Christ, I may just need to live that out LOUDLY and BOLDLY. Because you see, It Starts With Me.