Just lucky?
Time to be honest. Over the years, I held onto these thoughts for fear that they will be misunderstood, but the same thoughts keep rolling around in my head. Knowing that some may not receive my feelings over the topic of being lucky when it comes to parenting or in our marriage, I hope those who read this see that my desire is to give another perspective. My perspective. I don’t believe that one parenting or marriage model fits all. However, I do know what Scott and I committed to do in our marriage and for our family. I do know that I have had dozens of conversations with other women who have fallen on all sides of this question - Did some parents just get lucky with the children they are given to raise? Struggling for years over being told I was just lucky because our kids are just so “good” or my hubs is practically perfect in every way, I hesitated to share the decisions we made because I want to avoid conflict. Today, I choose to be honest. Provide another perspective.
Scott and I have been married for 23 years. Our marriage hasn't been without conflict, issues, or struggles. After all, a lot of life happens in 23 years. We have a marriage that is full of laughter, adventures, and joy. On this journey, we have weathered miscarriages, major career changes, unemployment, raising a child with special needs, experiencing our spouse endure personal attacks from outside our family, financial burdens, selling and buying multiple houses, moving to another country, and the list goes on and on. Yet, we are happy. It isn't an act. We aren't trying to cover up or present only one side of our marriage to the world. We are both very open and forthcoming about our faults and struggles. But is it just luck? Did I just luck into a relationship with an easy-going, caring man and that's why our marriage is solid? Did he just luck into...ok I am fairly certain that anyone who knows us would say that I am the lucky one and that Scott is basically a saint.
Here is what I know. We work on our marriage. We work on our relationship. Scott has always put our marriage and family first. He listens to my opinions and knows that there is value to my intuition and insight. I know that he is trustworthy and a man of integrity, so where he leads us I happily follow. We check in regularly with one another to make sure we are on the same page. Does it mean that we don't bug one another...well of course there are habits and mannerisms that aren't as charming as they once were. Our marriage isn't luck. We work on our marriage, and we work on ourselves. Our marriage is a result of work and not happenstance.
Scott and I have four children. They are fantastic kids...I know that they are super sweet kids and are by nature just easygoing, sweet-spirited kids. I have been told numerous times that Scott and I are so lucky to have such great kids. And they are great kids, but they are still humans who are by nature selfish sinners. We have made very intentional parenting choices. After Jacob was born, we decided that we wanted to do everything we could for me to be a stay-at-home mom. It meant that I might keep kiddos in our home or find various part time jobs. It meant that we vacationed less. Our cars are older. It meant that we didn't buy new furniture for our homes, but rather pieced together a home with furniture from garage sales or gifted to us. We made the intentional decision to back one another up in our parenting decisions. We tried our hardest to be on the same page, so that our sweet little kids couldn't pit us against one another. We made the intentional decision to make sure our family went to church together. We served together at church, in our community, and on international mission trips. Speaking of mission trips...we knew we wanted our kids to have a big worldview, so we made sure they had the opportunity to see other places. We made the intentional decisions to talk to our kids and encourage them to think for themselves. I could tell them what I think about refugees, abortion, or helping the homeless, but what we ultimately want is for them to have an opinion about these issues for themselves and not simply recite what we have shared. We intentionally eat the majority of our dinners together. Our kids are involved and busy, just as we are, but we made the choice to do everything we could to eat together...without phones...without tv. We didn't just luck into good kids, we worked hard to raise these amazing kids. It isn't just happenstance.
It is discouraging and hurtful when the people who barely know us or the ones who know us best throw comments our way about how lucky we are. I don’t believe that most people who say it are trying to hurt us. But by simply saying we are just lucky, you are discounting the years and years of discussions, decisions and actions that we have made for this family. Each of our families are pieced together with different circumstances and personalities. I understand that, but we all make choices. For us, our decisions and actions were intentional with a unified goal in mind. So please, don’t neglect seeing and acknowledging them.
I realize that there are many in the Christian arena who do not like the word "luck". They prefer the "christianese" (language spoken by many Christians) term "blessed" or "blessing". You may change the phrase to "you are just so blessed", yet I think the same argument applies here. We fully realize that we have been blessed with some stinkin’ awesome kiddos. We fully realize that God has protected our marriage and family from some really hard things. But we have also made the intentional decision to place our marriage and family firmly on the truth of God's Word. That isn't just luck or us being blessed...that my friends, was a decision. And if we continue this train of thought about Scott and I being blessed with great kids, does that mean God decided not to bless the parents who are struggling with a teenage addict or a kid who is rebellious? I just cannot follow that logic. I just cannot believe that God chose to bless us and not them. Kids will make their own decisions, and they will struggle and mess up. Just because we made the decisions we did does not guarantee that there will not be hardships.
The very idea that we can make intentional decisions in how we love and serve within our marriage and how we love and raise our children gives me hope. Hope that we can take action and do better. Hope that it isn't all just by chance or because God decided to bless us or not bless us. If your marriage is struggling, then do something about it. Make a new decision. Take a different action. If you feel disconnected from your son, then make dinner a priority. Sit down. Tell him to put up his phone and talk about what is happening in the world and discover all of the ideas and thoughts your son already possesses. (Caution: I worked hard to have free thinking, opinionated children and oh my word, do I disagree with how they think sometimes. It can be really frustrating when I fundamentally disagree, but I am SO proud of their logic and thought process. I don't want clones of me...and they are NOT!) Share life together. If your daughter is struggling with who she is, then slow down and create a new schedule and begin picking her up from school. Talk to her. Share with her your struggles in discovering who you are. Let her know that she isn't alone. Wake up every day of your life making choices towards your ultimate goal(s), instead of waking up to a life that is spinning out of control.
"For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope." Jeremiah 29:11
"For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them." Ephesians 2:10
I believe that God created me. Scott. Our kids. He has prepared good works and plans for our life as a family and our individual lives. We cannot just sit and wait for these good works to present themselves or for the plans to just happen. We are told that we must take action and "walk" in them. Make a decision and move.
Life isn't just happenstance. A coincidence. A series of "lucky" or "blessed" events. Life is largely about you making very intentional decisions and then believing that circumstances and relationships can change.
Scott and I are NOT just lucky or blessed. We have worked hard for this marriage. For our kids. For our family. And I will no longer allow others to diminish our hard work and sacrifices. And I will cheer loudly for those who are actively fighting for their marriage and their family. I will share the same hope that we have with those who feel as though all is lost and there is nothing less to do.
To all of my fellow mommas striving to love and serve their families, I see you. I see you working hard at your marriage and making intentional parenting choices. I know it isn't always easy. I know that there might be many years ahead of heartache and worrisome nights, but I also know that you have hope of a future for your family that is full of hope. I see you sacrificing. I see that you are not merely "lucky" or "blessed", and you deserve a pat on the back and just a little credit. I see you.
May 2020 be the year of gaining a new perspective and not discounting the hard work of moms, dads, husbands, and wives.
May 2020 be the year that each of us walk into the "good works" and plans God has prepared for each of us.