mothers and daughters

When Emma Grace was a baby, I felt this overwhelming sense of responsibility and privilege because I knew that I had an opportunity to be the primary model of a godly woman to her.  If I didn’t accept this opportunity and make intentional choices to be that for her, then she would find it in someone else.  Look, I will be honest - I am a jealous momma.  I want to be the first person she thinks of when she thinks about a godly woman.  I also want her to be surrounded by other godly women, but my goodness, I want to be front and center!

As my sweet baby girl became a toddler, young girl, tween, teenager, and young adult, I realized that mother/daughter relationships can be tricky, but they also can be so very amazing.  The conversations I have with Emma Grace are some of my favorite conversations.  When she seeks my advice, I view it as an opportunity to speak truth and encourage her.  When she hurts, I hurt.  When she is anxious, I am anxious.  When I see her struggling, I want to jump in to solve all of the problems but often choose not to because the struggles create room for growth.

Emma Grace will be 19 years old in a few days.  She is about to complete her first semester of college.  She is intelligent, intuitive, compassionate, witty, and so beautiful.  I asked her if she would contribute to this week’s blog and to my delight - she said YES!  I cannot think of anyone better to share a daughter’s perspective than my daughter.  

What did you need most from our mother/daughter relationship when you were a little girl (before middle school age)?

Emma Grace: I think I needed someone who would help build confidence. I feel like I had a lot of confidence as a kid, but not as much when I got older. I really think I needed to have someone constantly trying to instill confidence in me.

What did you need most from our mother/daughter relationship from middle school - high school?

Emma Grace: Someone to support me through my anxiety or any dumb high school drama. I definitely needed there to be times where you didn’t give advice, but just kind of nodded your head and listened. But I learned that’s not you, so I just kind of dealt with it and knew if I wanted to share something, it needed to be something I would want you opinions on. 

What do you need most from our mother/daughter relationship as a young adult?

Emma Grace: A cheerleader. Someone to support what I’m doing. I’m definitely going to make mistakes and do dumb things, but I need someone to support me through all that. Someone who’s gonna continue to love me through all that crap and someone that I feel like I can go to when I regret dumb things. 

When you think of our relationship ten years from now, what do you anticipate needing and wanting?

Emma Grace: Someone to live in a house in my backyard and raise my children, cause I ain’t gonna do it. 

What do you wish I had understood about you as you were growing up?

Emma Grace: I wish you had a better understanding of my anxiety and depression. But I think it might have been my fault too, I definitely hid that stuff from you guys. But it felt like in the beginning this huge heavy weight and I felt like I couldn’t talk about it because it would be seen as me overreacting. 

What do you think I got right (come on there has to be something)?

Emma Grace: I mean I think if Jake and I both didn’t drink or smoke in high school you must’ve done something right. You weren’t strict, but it wasn’t like we could do whatever the hell we wanted. And I was thinking the other day about family dinners and how rare that is, but we had dinner together basically every night. And I mean not being on my a** about grades was good for me. I never really failed anything, but I never felt like my grades would determine my value or disappoint anyone. And that’s why GT programs suck, but you can save that for another blog. 

What advice would give a mom raising a daughter?

Emma Grace: Don’t push your insecurities or fears onto her. Not that you did that, but I know a lot of girls who feel such pressure from their moms to be better than they were, or to be something that they’re not. And it’s bs. Just let your kid be themself and don’t push your crap onto them. And don’t expect your child to be something they are not. Don’t force them to fit your dream child ideal. You had THAT kid for a reason, so don’t force them to change to make you happy. 

What would you tell a daughter about the importance of a strong mother/daughter relationship?

Emma Grace: Just talk to your mom. They like it. They like knowing things about you and want to be involved. So let them. But with that also, moms don’t force them to open up. They will. Daughters need to understand that their mom is always gonna want to give advice and tell you what to do cause they've been there, so just shut up and listen to them. You don’t know anything.

As I read through Emma Grace’s responses, I am reminded that what my daughters need and want most from me is to be a gentle place to share their hearts.  The truth is, if I had been a better listener (and controlled my need to help by giving my opinions), Emma Grace would have come to me more.  I would have had more opportunities to share truth.  My daughters need to feel safe, loved, and encouraged when they are with me.  As my daughters become older, I have to earn the right to share my opinions.  It is no longer a given because they won’t always be in our home.  I continue to speak truth to Emma Grace, but the way in which I deliver the truth may need to change.  

Mommas - Your daughters need you.  All of you.  They need you to share your insecurities, so they don’t feel alone.  They need you to stand up and cheer for them, so they know someone believes in them.  They need you to believe in them, so they can believe in themselves.  They need you to nurture their gifts and talents, so they flourish and become exactly who they were created to be. They need you to speak words of truth over them, so they are reminded over and over who they are and whose they are.  They need you to be a safe, gentle place to land, so they will continue to seek your advice and share their hearts.  Don’t give up on them. 

Daughters - Your mommas are doing the best they know.  When they know better, they will do better.  Believe the best about their intentions and continue to come to them.  With a kind tone and a vulnerable heart, go to your mom and share with her what you need from her.  Remember your mom is an actual human being with feelings, and sometimes your words hurt.  Say thank you because she needs encouragement too.  Tell your momma that you love her - she needs to hear the words!

Mother/daughter relationships are tricky because it involves two females!  But the time and effort that we put into these relationships will have long term benefits and potentially will impact generations.  I want to help my daughters to more fully realize their worth, gifts, and opportunities to positively impact those in their sphere of influence.  I want them to never feel alone because they know that I always have their backs.  I want them to come to me when they celebrate and when they need to cry. I want my daughters to confidently walk with their heads held high, yet make eye contact and share a smile with ALL people.  I want them to love God with great passion and use their feet and hands to love others well.   I want them to do better than I did, but I know that requires me continue to do my part.  If something needs to change, the change must start with me.  And I am making those changes because Emma Grace, Scottie, and Zoey deserve it!