Parenting Young Adult Children
Finding ourselves straddling two parenting worlds (parenting two children still in our home and parenting two college-age, adult children), we are constantly pausing and course-correcting how we are choosing to parent the “Bigs”.
We were fully aware when we dropped our son Jacob off at college the first time that we were entering a new season of parenting. While our friends wept and mourned the “loss” of their child, Scott and I celebrated. Sure we knew we would miss Jacob. We worried about how his absence would impact his relationship with his three sisters. We questioned ourselves: Did we give him enough tools to navigate adult life? Will he make good choices? Will he make friends? Will he eat? But mostly, we celebrated. We launched one of the four kiddos and that felt like an accomplishment!
Two years later, we released our daughter, Emma Grace, into the adult world. But this time was different. Hubs, Littles, and I moved to the Dominican Republic before Emma Grace began her freshmen year of college. We were not the ones who attended her freshmen orientation, moved her into her dorm, visited her on campus, or comforted her after her first car accident. (So very thankful for her Aunt Christi and Uncle Jason!) In all honesty, I never stepped foot on her campus. I did weep. I mourned her release. I asked myself the same questions: Did we give her enough tools to navigate adult life? Will she make good choices? Will she make friends? Will she eat? I didn’t weep about her transition because she was less prepared or because I love her more than Jacob. I celebrated this transition with her because she was so excited. It was time for her to discover her identity apart from being a daughter and sister. I wept because I wasn’t the one physically releasing her.
Jacob has been adulting for almost 4 years and Emma Grace for almost 2 years. At the same time, we are parenting our Littles. Making choices for Littles: where they go, what they eat, how they spend their days, actively parenting them through hard things, guiding them when they need discipline and navigating life. But how we are parenting Jacob and Emma Grace is different. There has been a pivot in our perspective and approach. (Full disclosure: We do not do this perfectly. We frequently end a convo and think “oh we should have done that differently!”) There are three things that we are intentionally trying to do in this season of parenting young adults.
Mentoring (pivot from coaching/parenting)
When the Bigs became teenagers, we intentionally began coaching them rather than direct, traditional parenting. We wanted to be on the sidelines sharing experiences, offering advice, creating rhythms and boundaries, and discipling when they stepped out of line. Whereas coaching still happens with the Bigs, we are transitioning to mentoring. Walking side by side. Listening. Still offering advice. The primary difference between coaching and mentoring is for us to realize that we no longer have the authority to make their decisions. As a mentor, we are still coaching but at the end of the day, they have to make the decision for themselves. They may not make the same decision we would and that’s ok. That’s part of learning. Adulting. Maturing. And what a privilege it is to watch that process!
One example of mentoring the Bigs rather than traditional parenting is how we walked alongside Jacob as he chose what his major would be and which college to attend. Jake originally headed to Texas A&M and was convinced he would major in accounting. Scott and I asked Jake many questions because, quite frankly, accounting is the last thing we could imagine Jake doing. Our boy is creative. He writes. He loves movies. He made his first film in Kindergarten. Fairly quickly, he realized that business was not creative enough for him, so he transferred to the University of Houston changing his major to a slightly more creative major. After a semester, he told us that he wanted to take a year off from school and figure out what he actually wanted to do. He no longer wanted to waste time and money on something that just doesn’t fit. As his parents, we offered advice and insight. “Do you want to chase your dream and do something creative?” He spent that year working, paying off some student loans, reflecting, and researching which universities would best provide him with the skills and education to chase his dreams. We listened. We prayed. We played the “what if” scenario game. In the end, he landed on Savannah College of Art and Design in Georgia. Listen, it is not only in a state where he knows NO ONE, but it is also stinking expensive. As his parents, we are imagining the college debt that awaits him. We worried about his lack of a local support system. However, we allowed him to decide. It is his future - not ours! Could we have reduced some of the major and university changes - maybe? The truth is Jacob made the first decision because he was trying to make a practical, safe decision. But that decision wasn’t really what he wanted for his career. It just wasn’t. Today, he loves what he is studying. He has created a community of like-minded, creative people. He is chasing his dream. Yes, he is acquiring student debt, but he has a plan. He isn’t hiding his head in the sand and falsely believing he will make millions as soon as he graduates. He weighed the costs and his dream, and he chose his dream. Had we continued to traditionally parent him, we could have badgered or guilted him into doing what we wanted. We could have told him no. Because we told him the choice was his and to chase his dreams, he has invited us into his processing space. He runs his ideas and plans by us. He seeks our advice. For us, transitioning to mentoring has given us such an opportunity to continue to speak truth AND to actively participate in the process.
Engaging with Thought (even if they are different than ours)
Wanting our children to have their own thoughts about politics, religion, and creative arts meant that we had to provide space for asking questions, forming opinions, and learning to verbalize what they believe and why. We began to intentionally ask them lots of questions when they were around middle school age. On our car rides to and from school, it was common for me to ask a ton of questions like “What do you think about capital punishment? Why do you think that? Is there a moral conflict for you? What does the Bible say about it?” And there were many times when we did NOT agree with their thoughts and opinions. We always shared why we thought what we thought. We challenged them to think. We pushed them to filter their opinions through their religious beliefs. Our end goal was for them to have their own political beliefs. To own their own faith. We did NOT want them to simply spout what they heard us say without doing the work.
We released our Bigs in 2017 and 2019, and they left our home and knew how to think for themselves. The year 2020 brought so many BIG things to the forefront. Racism. Political division. Religious contradictions. Extended family conflict over issues. Pandemic and the handling of it. Elections. We discovered in 2020 two things about our Bigs. 1) They are wildly passionate about what they believe. They genuinely think about the good of others and have formed many of their opinions based on what serves and loves others well and not just benefits their privilege. They made public declarations. They debated adults with intellect and respect. They protested proudly when they knew they needed to stand with the oppressed. They called their representatives. They watched the presidential debates. They voted. They are brave, courageous, vocal activists and advocates. Scott and I say all the time that we didn’t have their awareness, perspective, experience or passion when we were 19 and 21. We just didn’t They are freaking awesome. 2) They engage us and allow us to engage them. They send messages asking us what we think. Ask our opinions. Listen to our perspectives. Debate with us. Challenge us. Take into consideration our experiences. We do not all agree. Bigs and I know that Scott has a more conservative, traditional stance on things. But, we are able to take in and process his opinions because we know his heart. He has three people shaking their fists at the system and our points of view provide him with another way to look at an issue. At the end of the day, we know it is safe to disagree. We allow our differing opinions to sharpen, refine, and mold ourselves into who we are meant to be. We laid the ground work when they were teenagers, and now we are reaping the benefits.
Holding Accountable (without Demanding)
When the Bigs were younger and they questioned our rules, boundaries, and discipline, our standard line was “God has entrusted us with you. Everything we do is because we want you to be responsible, kind, and to love Jesus.” At the end of the day, we will be held responsible for how we parent our children. Of course, they have freewill and they will make their own choices. But, we always tried to keep the main thing the main thing. It was easier to hold our kiddos accountable when they were younger. We built in so many rewards and consequences for the choices they made. We parented our children with purpose and for a purpose.
Then the Bigs become adults and their choices and decisions are bigger and will impact their lives in monumental ways. Most of these choices/decisions have to be ones they make. No longer are we forcing choices, but we listen, offer our opinions, and then we have to give them space to decide. When they are dragging their feet and not moving forward, we follow up. We ask questions. We give advice. We put it back on them to decide. Emma Grace says all the time that she rarely makes a big decision without first asking her Daddy what he thinks. She asks NOT because we require it of her, but rather she asks because we have intentionally transitioned to offering advice without demanding they become us. Making our decisions. Choosing our preferences.
One way we hold our Bigs accountable is by making them take care of things on their own. If they aren’t sure how to do something, they ask and we walk them through it. Need to open a savings account? Do your research and open one. Need to get your tire repaired? Get in your car and go and Dad will tell you what to expect and how to handle the conversation. Want to change schools? Do your research, ask questions, and apply. Want to quit one job before you have another? We give our opinion, but then we let you decide because sometimes you learn best when you feel the burden of needing money for food and gas.
Holding Bigs accountable for their poor choices. Praising them for their amazing choices. Walking alongside without doing everything. Listening. Speaking truth. Stepping back and waiting to be there when it doesn’t work out well. Holding Bigs accountable is often about giving them freedom but making sure communication is open so we are able to continue to mentor them.
Parenting young adult children may be one of my favorite stages in parenting. Jake and Emma Grace are interesting, wise, creative, deep thinkers. They have opinions, ask questions, and challenge us. They are RESPONSIBLE (mostly), KIND, and LOVE JESUS.
I remember when I was deep into the babies and toddlers stage and thinking that I never EVER wanted them to grow up. Well-meaning mommas told me to cherish each moment because it goes so fast. They talked about how the teenager stage was terrible and then off they go. Thirty year old Amy believed that our best parenting years were slipping away, but the truth is I have ENJOYED every stage. Instead of wanting to rush past one stage believing there is an easier one right around the corner, be present. Instead of dreading the end of one stage for the next, be present. Each stage should be preparing both your child and you for the stage of parenting adults. Each stage should consist of intentional, purposeful parenting actions. Keeping the end product in mind (responsible, kind, Jesus loving human beings), we parent our young adults with purpose and excitement. Our adult children are responsible for their actions and choices, but the truth is - we are responsible for our actions and choices too. I cannot control them, but I can control my actions - it starts with me.