acrophobia & my mountain
Cable cars
Zip lines
Balconies
Sweating palms
Racing heart
Quickening breath
Missed shared adventures
Unrealized opportunities
Lost experiences
Regret
Doubt
Cowardice
When I think of a fear that I have allowed to control my choices, it is without a doubt my fear of heights. Acrophobia is an extreme or irrational fear or phobia of heights. Fear incites physical reactions as a way to warn you of a possible danger. I am in danger of falling and dying, so it would be wiser to not get on the cable car. Interestingly if the adventure doesn’t require my presence, then I happily send them up the mountain. “Enjoy your trip! Have fun! Take pictures!” But if my child is standing next to me and leans on the railing of the balcony, my instinct is to grab her and pull her to safety.
This fear is one that I am comfortable with having for the rest of my life. I know that I am missing out on some amazing shared experiences with my family, but it is a cost I am willing to pay. When I weigh the experience to the impending death by falling, I choose to live.
But, then…
I watch our little girl look at every piece of food before she puts it into her mouth because she is afraid that she will accidentally eat something that will kill her. I reassure her that even if she accidentally swallows a tick while brushing the horse, she will not die from it. I have her search the internet for how much hair a normal person swallows in a year because I need her to understand that it is inevitable, and it will NOT kill her. (By the way, the results of that search are absolutely disgusting!) I soothe her late at night because her heart is racing and she is afraid of dying. I see her fear interfering with her ability to live her life normally.
The difference between her fear and mine is that I can avoid heights, but she cannot avoid eating.
So when I send her up the mountain in the cable car while I wait in the car, I have an overwhelming understanding. I am modeling a spirit of fear, not a spirit of power.
“For God did not give us a spirit of timidity or cowardice or fear, but [He has given us a spirit] of power and of love and of sound judgment and personal discipline [abilities that result in a calm, well-balanced mind and self-control].”
I may not face my fear for me, but I sure as hell will face it for her.
For days, I have a knowing in my gut. I need to face that mountain. And, I need to face it with my daughter by my side. I, with great vulnerability, need to model a spirit of power. I know that I not only need to go up the mountain, but I need to show her with words and actions how to face a fear.
And so we went up...
Scott and the girls have been before, and this was the first time there was a significant wait. More time to think, to be nervous, and to chant “God has not given me a spirit of fear, but a spirit of power, love, and a sound mind.” (Over and over and over I chanted that truth as I tried to combat the thoughts of “we are definitely going to fall!”) After 45 minutes, we make it to the landing to wait for the cable car. Zoey reassures me, holding my hand, and asking me if I was nervous. We walk into the cable car with ten other people and begin the ascent. It is a beautiful view - the ocean, the city of Puerto Plata, and the beautiful lushiness of Mount Isabel. Not sure where to keep my eyes. Should I look at the horizon or try and take in the view? Looking down at the trees seems like a great idea until it isn’t. When we are at least 3/4 finished, the clouds become more dense, and we can no longer see anything. Zero visibility. I can hear the wind whistling outside, and the cable car just keeps on going. At this point, I am trying to figure out why in the world they wanted a cable car without seats. I would prefer to face my fear sitting down! And, then we are there.
There is a statue of Jesus at the top of Mt. Isabel. Welcoming us to Puerto Plata, but Zoey says it is for me - Jesus saying welcome and you made it! Scott assures me that the view is usually something amazing, but we can’t see the city or the ocean because of the fog. We walk around. Take pictures. Eat some ice cream. I want to explore a little because it is my first time, but to be completely honest, I am also trying to buy some time before we go back down.
When it is time to go, the wind has picked up and the visibility has not improved. Again, we must wait before a car is available. The what-ifs and fearful thoughts are much more persistent. I know logically that if we made it up, then we will make it down. But there is something about not being able to see where we are going that makes it seem much more ominous. Distracting myself in the line with pictures and messages to the Bigs. On the way down, I am afraid. I remind myself that God has given me a spirit of a sound mind. A mind that can remind me of truth. A mind that can grab a hold of logic and reason. A mind that does not think for itself. A sound mind that is filled with truth. Yet, I stand in the corner breathing a little faster. Eyes tightly closed. Holding Zoey’s hand. Holding Scott’s hand. Because I am NOT enjoying the trip down - at all. I feel the burning in my throat knowing the tears are threatening to pool over, but here is what stopped the full blown panic attack. Zoey needs to see me strong. Stronger than my fear. She needs to see me do hard things. She needs me to be courageous in the midst of the fear.
When we break through the clouds and we can see again, I feel myself breathing a little easier. As we walk to the car, I am proud of myself for doing something hard. I am hopeful that our outing will serve as a reminder to Zoey the next time she is feeling afraid. Yet, I realize a hard truth. We will need to go up that mountain again. Going up once does not end the fear. Facing that mountain over and over and retraining my brain to rely on the spirit of power, love, and a sound mind will lessen the hold. Creating positive (non-death) experiences involving heights will rewire my brain. Slowly. Over time. Isn’t that how we overcome many of our fears? It is rarely a one time event or experience. So I commit to doing the work because I don’t want to be enslaved to fear. I will do the hard work because I want Zoey to live in freedom with me. If I ask her to do the hard things, then it has to start with me.