The Power of Her Voice
Clarifying something before I begin… I am not hating on men, diminishing their voice, or trying to say that they are clueless. I simply want to share observations and offer a suggestion. And acknowledge that what I’m suggesting is happening in some places, around some tables. Kudos!
Who is sitting at the table?
Whose voices are we leaning in to hear?
Whose stories are we listening to and learning from?
The table is the place where decisions are made. The table is the place where debate happens and compromise is reached. The table is the place where the leaders gather. Closing the door to the room, they sit around the table and they make decisions for the collective group. The table symbolizes power, leadership, direction, change, and exclusivity. This table exists in homes, businesses, churches, nonprofits, and government. This table, whether you are at it or not, is a thing you know about. It exists. The decisions that come from this table affect you. Their impact is felt.
Who is sitting at the table? Is there a woman at that table? In 2020, 50.4% of the world population is male and 49.6% is female. Yet, women continue to be underrepresented at the table. Why? I am sure there is a litany of reasons why. Yes, things are better now than they were centuries ago, but instead of being ok with what is, I want us to want more. To expect more. To demand more. One of the biggest hurdles for women to get to that table is that the men sitting at table really like the table just as it is. Change will only happen when the ones sitting at the table do two things: (1) someone willingly stands up from their chair and leaves the room and (2) the men remaining invite a woman to take a seat. Better yet, what if multiple men would get up, so those seats could be filled with women.
When a woman is present at the table, she juggles two expectations. Her conflict resides in the need to fully represent the females that have been excluded and the cultural expectations for her to not be too loud, bold, and demanding. Typically when a woman boldly uses her voice, she is labeled “emotional.” But when a man uses his voice, he is praised for his passion. Men interrupting, speaking over, and always having the “right” answer is often seen as being an assertive, strong leader. He out-talks. He out-performs. Others listen because his confidence is seen as knowledge and expertise. But a woman interrupting, speaking over, or offering the “right” answer is rarely viewed as anything other than a nuisance. She is put back into her place with various tools - smirks, condescending words, and dismissive body language.
Whose voice are we leaning in to hear? Have we invited the woman to the table so we can pat ourselves on the back and prove to others that we are progressive? Or have we invited her to the table because we believe what she says has value? When the debates begin, opinions are shared, and the compromises are made, are the men quieting their voices so that she can speak? Are the men leaning in to hear her perspective and seeking to understand the wisdom that God has placed in her? A confident woman could try to out-talk the men, but what would happen if she simply just spoke and the men listened? The simple act of leaning in to hear her voice does two things. It demonstrates that you are listening to and valuing what she says, and the posture reminds your brain that you are listening to understand and not simply forming your rebuttal. How might the compromises and decisions change if what she said was included? If we would lean in, how might lives in homes, in businesses, in churches, in nonprofits, and in government change to positively affect the entire population and not simply just half of it?
There is something tricky that happens in ministries (churches and nonprofits) that complicates this situation. When Jesus-loving men are the ones sitting at the table, how can we really challenge their motivations, decisions, and approaches? They love all people. They value women. They want to do the right thing. They know all the right things to say. Their motivations seem pure and correct. They stand on centuries of tradition and stand-alone scriptures that justify their beliefs that men have their roles and women have theirs. I am the first to admit that I often revert to a traditional, submissive posture. It is what I have been taught and modeled by those before me.
Confession: A few weeks ago, a concern was brought to me about how sharing a specific story in our community might have a negative impact. I was asked to do some research to see how the community might feel and react. My initial reaction was to ask two local male leaders what they thought. Would these men have an opinion? Yes, of course they would. However, a nagging thought remained. Why did I ask these two men instead of going to the ones who know what people would say, how they would react, and the impact that could be had? The truth is, generally women have a better understanding of what is happening in their homes and in their communities. They traditionally are the ones caring for the children, extended family, and neighbors. They are the ones making sure their families are fed. Homes cleaned. Food bought. Children clothed. They tend to know what is happening in their neighbors’ lives. They are the ones who are thinking obsessively about their children’s education and future. They are the ones who lay there at night worrying. List making. Problem solving. They are the ones wiping foreheads, praying for the fever to go down. It isn’t that the men don’t have experiences, opinions or perspectives, but rather their experiences, opinions, and perspectives are different than the women’s.
Whose stories are we listening to and learning from? Acknowledging that her story is different than the story of her husband’s/brother’s/father’s is imperative. We aren’t lifting one story over another, but we are simply allowing both stories to be heard and considered. When we create church programs or community initiatives, are we giving the women’s stories and perspectives equal weight? Are we attentively listening to things they observe and ideas they have that could positively impact their children, marriages, families, and communities? Do we enter into these conversations with an agenda and our decisions already made, or are we entering with an open mind? Collecting stories, hearing their hearts, filing away their many ideas, and treasuring their hopes for a better future. Women have so much to offer, if we would simply listen and allow ourselves to learn from them.
The problem is far bigger and more complex than I truly understand. The wide gap between male influence and power and female influence and power is far grander than I can really imagine. And rather than throwing in the towel and saying “it is better than it was” or “it is just too big for us”, I want to offer both men and women an action step towards change.
Men: May you offer a seat at the table and give a space for her voice to be heard. The seat you offer may be your very own seat or perhaps it requires you to pull up a few more chairs even if it makes things a little crowded. In order for her voice to be heard, you may have to bite your tongue. Change your perspective. Challenge your beliefs. Remember at the end of the day, we want the same things - healthy children, marriages, families, communities, businesses, nonprofits, churches, and governments. The sacrifice you are making will be well worth it. Strength is not found in the man who demands or dominates, but it is found in the man who is willing to sacrifice his power and wants for the greater good of others. That is true strength.
Women: May you speak with confidence and boldness when you are sitting at the table. Use your voice. Speak truth. Don’t sit in that seat timid and scared tied to traditional, cultural norms. But rather sit in the seat as though you belong there, because you do. You have so much to offer. You have a story and perspective that needs to be shared. It must be included when the decisions are being made. And when you feel small or insignificant, please know that there are women who have come before you and are coming after you who are cheering for you. May your stories be heard, and may they change the world.
There is power in her voice. We struggle with traditional roles. The patriarchy. The cultural norms. We all wrestle with what is and what should be. But at the end of the day, I know that there is power in her voice. So when it is time for me to speak and use my voice, I will. When I hear her speak, I will listen. Cheer for her. Encourage her. Advocate for her. The seats at the table can change, and I can play a role in who sits there. It starts with me.