to the left and to the right.
Gathering women of all ages and differing cultural backgrounds is one of my most favorite things to do. It is what I am called to do.
As I am doing life, I will disciple.
When I was a young mom, I accidentally fell into discipling others. It was never anything I intentionally set out to do because I was a shy young woman. I simply wanted to serve my local church by teaching preschoolers and middle schoolers, but a Godly woman nudged me towards teaching young marrieds and women. I didn’t know what I was doing, but I loved God’s Word and trusted that He could use me to encourage others.
When Scott transitioned from the public school system to ministry, I woke up and became a pastor’s wife. (God bless all pastors’ wives because it is a role that needs a thorough handbook and a bottle of wine.) I continued to gather women. It is what I knew and it was a needed. We would gather in living rooms, read scripture, and talk. One day a young mom in my neighborhood asked if I would be interested in leading a Bible study at her house. She placed an invitation in our neighborhood newsletter inviting other women. This was completely out of my comfort zone because I would not know the women who would show up. They did not know me and there was no reason for them to extend grace when I messed it up. I felt inadequate, yet I showed up with my Bible and bible study materials. We gathered around her dining room table and studied truth, spoke truth, and encouraged truth.
When Scott became a campus pastor, I began another women’s ministry. It changed settings and format several times as I tried to figure out what worked best for the community and the group of women who regularly attended. This particular experience was different than my previous ministry experiences because for the first time the women gathering were diverse - ages, races, spiritual maturity, etc. I am sure I fumbled my way through the opportunity set before me, but I am just as sure that the women who attended knew that I loved God’s Word with a passion and wanted to share biblical truth and encouragement. I began to study the Word with fresh eyes, trying to look at it through the eyes of the women sitting around the tables. I began to reflect upon my own story and discovered the many commonalities between women - all women. Women who struggled with their identity, self-worth, sin, mommy guilt. We were wives, employees, community members…and the list of commonalities just grew and grew. As I taught, I would look out at the women and see beautiful faces eagerly waiting for what I would share and what God would speak to them from His Word. They would write their notes, nod their heads, ask questions, and experience a-ha moments. They did not look like me, yet we were the same. Different stories and experiences, but we were all daughters of God and I felt it. Knew it. Believed it.
Due to circumstances outside of my control, this gathering of women abruptly ended in the fall of 2017. I sat at home for 3 months grieving the loss of my ministry and connection to these women. In January 2018, I invited the women to a study in my friend’s home. Some came...some stayed...some did not. In time, I realized that my “platform” and ability to reach them had changed. I needed to look to my left and look to my right. Who is it I needed to gather around a picnic table in my front yard? And so began the awakening.
Most weeks, we sat around my turquoise picnic table with lights strung above us and tiki torches burning (mosquitoes!). Katie and me (two white women), Nicole (a black single mom), and Catarina, my neighbor (who is black and Latina) were the regulars. We read scripture. Discussed what it meant. How to apply it to our lives. We laughed together. We shared what was happening in our lives - parenting, being single, raising teenagers, marriage, dating, and everything in between. We did not vote the same way. We did not have a similar story of origin. We struggled with different sins. We had different personalities. Yet, each week we brought all of it to the table. We listened. We asked questions. We shared. Other women would stop by for a few weeks here and there, but the four of us were consistent.
Nicole and Cat are who I asked all of my ignorant-wanting-to-be-an-enlightened-white-woman questions. They were gracious and honest. I remember vividly asking them over a dinner what was the most appropriate and preferred term a white person should use in regards to their race. Black or African-American. Teach me! And they dove in and explained to me what they thought and why. That night I received texts from both of them - Nicole had called her mom and Cat asked her husband - to share what their responses would have been to me. And they both said the opposite of what Nicole and Cat had said! They told me that they could see why I was confused, but to know that they see my heart and appreciate that I ask questions with the intent of being aware and informed...it was worth it.
It was at this table that I heard stories of their experiences of prejudices and racism. It was at this table that I heard their fears. It was at this table that I looked into the faces of two women and really, really saw the black community more clearly. I will never be the same and I am so thankful.
During this time, I feverishly read books (Cat’s hubs suggested one for me), listened to podcasts, began following people of color on my social media (Nicole suggested many), and watched documentaries. It is during this time that I began to challenge those in my sphere to listen and learn. It is during this time that I began to really look at my own prejudices. And because I openly discussed my journey with my teenage children, they too pointed out my prejudices. (LOVE truth-telling, think-for-yourself children!) During this time, God began to merge my love for gathering and discipling with my new awareness of others and their experiences and perspectives. God showed me that these two passions were intertwined. Connected. I began to change. My friends became part of the process of molding me into exactly who God designed me to be. My purpose.
Nicole became a part of my life in a deeper way. We served together on several mission trips to the Dominican Republic. Nicole and her son, Micah, became a part of us. Our family’s story. Advice was shared. Life was lived. Our friendship isn’t like any other I have had. It’s different. Unique. She is the sister/friend that I chose. She is the woman I have learned the most from - about being black in America, about being a single mom, and the great wealth of knowledge she has in regards to her profession. She challenged me to be better. I would like to think I challenged her as well. I discipled her. She saw me and who I desired to be. I saw her and who she desired to be. And it only happened because I looked to my left and I looked to my right and there she was.
When we moved to the Dominican Republic in the fall of 2019, I struggled with leaving my Jacob and Emma Grace. Our parents, siblings, nieces and nephews. I reluctantly walked away from the opportunity to teach at a school where I could teach, disciple, encourage, and gently suggest new ways of loving others. But I also had to walk away from the weekly encounters with my turquoise table friends.
Over this last year, I craved the gathering. I wanted to offer my gift of discipling and passion for God’s Word to others, but I also wanted my molding to continue. I know it will come. I know the opportunities are plentiful. I know it will happen. But, I miss it. I am forever changed because of the gathering of women. I am forever a better person because those gathered together were white, black, and latina. Those gathered were mature in their faith and young in their faith. Those gathered were single and married. Some with children and some without. Those gathered were young and some were in their 70s. Those gathered were different than me yet we were the same.
We have a new table on our back patio, and the memory of those gathered are a constant reminder to me to look to my left and to look to my right. Who is it that God has placed around me for discipling and for opportunities to learn and to see. Today I challenge you to look to your left and to your right. In your home. In your street. At work. At the grocery store. At church. Don’t miss the opportunities that God has laid before you. I, too, will look to the left and to the right - as always, it starts with me. Are you looking? Who do you see?
