Meeting. Pow Wow. Rendezvous.
A nagging wife. No one wants to be a nagging wife. Yet there comes a day when we look into the mirror and hear our words and realize that what we have become is in fact - a nagging wife. We take a deep breath, apologize silently (because to admit it to the Hubs might result in something not being checked off the to-do list), and vow to do better. To be better. To nag less.
The mental list of all the things we are responsible for in our homes, with our families, and at work continues to run through our head. The burden rests on our shoulders and we sacrifice our time, resources, and energy for the greater good - our family. But then we begin to note all of the ways the Hubs isn’t doing his part. Why for the love can he NOT pick up his shoes, empty the bathroom trash, or read my mind? How can he walk past the piece of trash and not feel the same compulsion to pick it up and dispose of it? Who raised this man? And slowly, so slowly, the nagging begins again. It starts off innocently. We make a simple request - can you please take out the trash? Five minutes go by and no one has moved and the trash remains. So we ask again. And again. Marching to the kitchen we remove the trash and stomp to the door as we take care of it. The doors slam a little louder than normal and our lips form that tight line and though no words leave our mouths the message is clear. Days go by. Days of increasing nagging about the little things and the big things and as we pass the mirror we see her again - the nagging wife.
I am not a fan. She is my least favorite version of me. I want to shrink her and place her into a little box with a lid and banish her from the home. She changes the mood within the walls of our house as she shouts orders and delegates the various items on the to-do list. Things are happening, but the people she loves are avoiding her, hiding from her, and she begins to feel alone. Because she feels like she is doing it all, she begins to feel disconnected from Hubs.
No one likes the nagging wife. The wife isn’t fond of her. The Hubs isn’t a fan. And the kids are just a tad afraid of her.
As any good Christian wife does, I look to see what scripture says about a nagging wife. Naturally King Solomon had plenty to say about nagging wives - rumor has it the wise king had 700 wives and 300 concubines. (I stand by my opinion that he was a glutton for punishment - who in their right mind would choose to deal with a thousand jealous women!) I think he probably knows something about nagging wives!
“Better to live in a wilderness than with a nagging and hot-tempered wife.” Proverbs 21:19
“An endless dripping on a rainy day and a nagging wife are alike” Proverbs 27:15
“Better to live on the corner of a roof than to share a house with a nagging wife.” Proverbs 25:24
Ugh. Okay, I get it. Nothing is more annoying, frustrating, or irritating than a nagging wife. According to King Solomon it is better to live in the wilderness, listen to the neverending drip drip drip on your roof, or to park yourself on the corner of your roof than to live with a nagging wife. I mean, he really had some BIG feelings about the nagging! (And it is physically impossible to be in the wilderness on the corner of a roof and hear the drip drip drip above you!)
So, now what? What clever tool can we package, sell, and use that will end the nagging forever?
Three Steps to Banishing the Nagging Wife
Five Steps to Rid Yourself of the Nag
Four Easy Ways to Never Nag the Hubs Again
Searching for the easy solution and a clear multi-step program, the truth became so very clear. There is no easy solution. I cannot complete five steps and never find myself falling into the same behavior patterns.
I have yet to discover the secret to ridding the world of the nagging wife. But I have come to realize that one of biggest reasons I find myself nagging is because I revert to it when I try to communicate all of the to-dos, feelings, requests, etc. as they pop up. If I am constantly asking for something to be done or sharing my thoughts and feelings (nice way of saying “providing constructive criticism that may or may not feel like a personal critique”), Hubs will always feel like I am nagging. Years ago, a friend suggested that Hubs and I try having a weekly meeting. These weekly meetings positively impacted our marriage and helped me to keep the nag in check.
Meeting. Marriage shouldn’t feel like a business meeting. Hmmm… maybe we can call it a pow-wow. Except we are grown ass adults and pow-wow sounds like something 8 year old boys from the 70’s would say. Rendezvous. Now that sounds sexy. A weekly marriage rendezvous will get his attention for sure.
At this rendezvous, we will discuss all things home, marriage and life.
budget
kids
schedules
in-laws
work
around the house
vacation
miscommunication
misunderstanding
our dreams
errands
all the things
During the week, I save up ALL the things that I want to say. (Point of clarification - some things canNOT wait until the weekly meeting and have to be taken care of immediately. So obviously talk about it. But if it can wait, then you should wait.) I have utilized an on-going list on the notes app on my phone. (Hello - phone is always with me so I can add it to the list immediately!) Squeaky door - put it on the list. Need to make plans for Christmas with the in-laws - put it on the list. Need to discuss the budget - put it on the list. Teenage son is acting crazy and you need a game plan - put it on the list. Feeling overwhelmed and want Hubs to be home in time to help with dinner - put it on the list. Wives you aren’t the only ones putting items on the list. Hubs is doing the same thing, after all, we have an equal opportunity marriage.
On your calendar, you have penciled in your weekly marriage rendezvous. (Do not count the weekly meeting as a date. It is a business meeting and you don’t want to cheat yourself of leisurely dinners or a movie without children.) Meet for lunch. Tell the kids to watch a movie and sit on the back patio. Put the kiddos to bed and sit in your family room. Arrive to the rendezvous with your lists and calendar; each of you are prepared for your rendezvous knowing that you are there to work through the litany of to-dos, issues, and feelings that bubble up while you do life together. You agree to listen and work through the lists with the desired outcome to be a healthy, more connected, nag-free marriage. If there are items on the list that need more time to work though, then agree to table that item and come back to it the following week.
The irritations don’t magically go away. Hubs won’t gain the superpower of reading your mind. (For 27 years, I have exerted a lot of energy thinking and willing Scott to read my mind. Every attempt has failed. I continue to try because I just cannot admit defeat.) All the things that you have to do to make your family work - to make your home work - don’t cease to exist. Moments of frustrations or feelings of martyrdom will still arise, but the difference is now the Hubs and you have a rendezvous scheduled to talk and work through all of those things.
A marriage rendezvous may not be the cure-all we all desperately seek, but it is one tool you can utilize to learn to communicate more effectively. The first few pow-wows may not go smoothly and Hubs may or may not bring his talking points, but make the commitment. Commit to try a weekly rendezvous for 6 weeks. Write it in a bold color and underline it in your calendar. Create your list. Be kind to one another. Be honest with what you need and how you feel. During the day when you feel the nagging wife trying to pry the lid off the box because she wants to come out and play, grab your phone or journal and write the nagging thing down. Give Hubs and the entire family a break from the nagging and after six weeks, assess the mood in your home. How is the communication and connection between you and Hubs? Has he checked a few things off of the to-do list? Did he make a dinner? Are you happier because you no longer feel like the martyr driving a stake through your blessed little heart of happiness?
As I write this, the vitameatavegamin commercial from I Love Lucy keeps running through my head. If I could just rewrite it:
“Hello, friends, I’m your Marriage Rendezvous girl! Are you tired, rundown, listless? Do you pop off at home? Are you nagging? The answer to all your problems is in this little meeting, Marriage Rendezvous. Marriage Rendezvous contains lists, feelings, communication, and calendars. Yes, with a Marriage Rendezvous, you can communicate your way to a nag-free marriage.”
Oh how I wish I could just bottle up a magic potion to help us from becoming a nagging wife.
A nagging wife. No one wants to be her. No one likes her. A nagging wife we can choose to not be… but that choice always starts with me.
Future-Former-Nagging-Wife - I have a gift for you! I created a simple tool to help you categorize and capture some of the most common talking points for your marriage rendezvous. If you would like to utilize this tool, simply follow the link below.