It’s not working.
Sitting on the floor with colorful sequins covering the ground, Zoey and two friends work on a craft project - sequin keychains. One of our friends brought her keychain to the table next to me and said, “It is too hard. It’s not working!” I asked her sister how the sequins were supposed to stay on and she said “it is sticky”. I felt the keychain and it is most definitely NOT sticky. Big sister scoots over, picks it up, and informs us that the sticky backing didn’t get removed. As soon as the back was peeled off, she was able to quickly place the sequins in the correct spots. Problem solved!
As I watched her assemble her craft with ease, I kept thinking of all the times I try to do something over and over and become frustrated because it is not working. I don’t know why. I cannot figure it out. All of my efforts are in vain because it is never going to work the way I am trying to do it.
The conversations I have had with teenageers where we talk in circles, not understanding what the other one is saying.
The way we are communicating about something in our marriage.
The impassioned discussions over politics, theology, or ethics.
The way I am discipling our children.
The way we handle conflict with the ones that are just a little more difficult.
The countless attempts to be healthier.
The deep desire to share my thoughts and feelings only to be misunderstood.
The failure to write the things I know I need to write.
The many goals never reached.
The list is endless - all the times I felt like I was banging my head against the wall because what I wanted to do, what I needed to do, wasn’t working. I couldn't make it happen by doing the same thing over and over expecting different results (I mean it is the definition of insane.)
But then, I invite someone into the situation.
I pause to ask for guidance.
I seek wise counsel from other parents or wives.
I do the research.
I make a different plan.
I seek a new perspective for the same problem/issue.
On the floor, I see a big sister reach over and give the younger sister guidance. “It isn’t working because you need to take the backing off.”
Who in my life have I invited in to give me advice and new perspective? Who in my life feels the freedom and permission to speak truth? Am I willing to see with new eyes? Am I willing to be vulnerable and not defensive?
It occurs to me that ultimately it is my choice. I can cultivate relationships where there are a few safe people who speak truth into my life because we have trust and respect for one another. I can also choose to keep my stuff to myself. I can hold my pride closely and not allow others to see where I am struggling or need help. It is my choice.
This week I commit to spending some time in prayer seeking God’s wisdom and discernment as I evaluate current relationships and determine who my people are. Do I need to invite others into the space of accountability, advice-giving, and truth-telling? If so, I need to have honest and vulnerable conversation as I invite them.
Choosing to not be frustrated while trying the same thing that isn’t working, I will take a cue from my friend and say in a safe space “It’s not working!”