Across the Caribbean and Back

Driving around with confidence in a familiar area and searching for furniture at familiar stores feels like an out of body experience.  Did the last 3 years really happen?  Did we move to the Dominican Republic?  Did we sell our house and almost everything we owned in order to serve God in another country?  Or did we have a really long, detailed dream of “going” and have just woken up?

Leaving a place where Hubs was doing good work, leading an amazing staff, and walking alongside leaders, encouraging and equipping them.

Leaving a group of women where I tried so very much to create opportunities for them to speak and share their stories - a group of women that slowly became my purpose and a way to serve.

Leaving a school filled with boys and girls whose lives were different than Zoey, yet she was discovering that in so many ways they were actually the same.  Kids wanting to laugh with friends and go home to a safe, loving family.

Leaving a home in a community that understands what it means to be a community and loves and serves its neighbors so well.

Did we leave our ministry behind on that Caribbean island?

Having lunch with a recent college graduate who is headed to another city to begin her new job.  Listening to her excitement and processing this next phase in her life.  Speaking words of encouragement over her.  (Oh sweet friend, live your life boldly and remember that I am cheering for you!)

Sitting in our new family room, listening to another recent college graduate share about her dreams of teaching English in Japan.  Hubs and I wanting her to chase her dreams, cheering for her, and offering her all that we have to offer - encouraging words and promises of prayer.

Texting with a dear friend who is in a season of grief…trying to find ways to love and serve her in the place that she is in while encouraging her to reach towards the One who loves her the most.

Gathering around a table with friends.  The dinner invite where we spent time catching up with the entire family.  Feeling known and seen because of a shared history.  While we unpack, friends who bring lunch to our house and sit around our table offering to help any way they can.  A friend bringing dinner to our house, so we don’t have to cook that night (or the next because leftovers are the best!).  Community stepping in to love and serve us because we have a history of loving and knowing one another.  Friends connected through shared experiences.

Seeing family.  Family helping us, shopping with Sister, sharing meals with our parents, sisters, and families.

Being with Emma Grace.  Everyday moments and activities highlight what it means to be present. And thankful for the little moments because so many of those little moments were missed for 3 years.

Our community is not confined to one country any more.  It has been expanded.

Our ministry did not end when we left the Dominican Republic.  It expanded.

Our opportunities to serve and live communally are available wherever our feet are located, if we just look up and see it.  

How lucky are we to have our community and ministry expanded across the Caribbean water?  How lucky are we to be loved and be able to love our neighbors - here and there?  How lucky are we that there are God opportunities when we completely surrender to the opportunities God is placing in front of us? How lucky are we - really how lucky are we???

Hola to Howdy

Here we go again.

It is not how we would have written this part of the story.  

But it is and has always been God’s story for us.

It is not part of our 5-year plan.

But it is part of God’s plan.

We are headed back to Texas. 

A few months ago, Makarios leadership asked Scott (and therefore our family) to move sooner than our original five-year commitment.  As Makarios grows and is now located in two countries, there is a growing need for someone in Austin to help with program oversight and partnership development.  We believe that our next step of obedience is to trust God’s leading and move to Austin (a new city for us) 2 ½ years earlier than we planned.

Listen.  Complete disclosure.  I am bummed.  Disappointed.  Sad.

• Scott and I had prayed for this opportunity for 15 years and to have our time cut short has been something that we have had to wrestle with and really spend time processing the “whys”.  Now, everything is shifting.  

• We had a plan - a financial plan.  We knew that at the end of our 5 years, we would have been prepared financially to restart life in the US.  Everything we own is in a 10x5 storage unit in Texas.  In a few years Jake will be out of school, Emma Grace will be finished, and cars will be paid off.  But now?  Now, everything is shifting.

• We LOVE our staff.  I mean, I am just wild about the men and women we serve alongside.  I have a small group of women that I meet with once a month and they have been so vulnerable and honest.  They are sharing their stories with me and it is such an honor.  Now, everything is shifting.

• One of Scott’s big life goals is to be fluent in Spanish - he is so, so close.  Now, everything is shifting.

• Scott, in so many ways, feels like he has just gotten started.  He is working closely with local leaders to build their programs and encourage them to lead their staff with high expectations, accountability, and a pastor’s heart.  Now, everything is shifting.

• Zoey just started Makarios again after 18 months of the school campus being closed.  Our hope (and hers) was for her to be fluent in Spanish before moving back home.  Clearly, that isn’t going to happen.  She is processing what it means to leave early and for the goals and hopes to not be realized.  Now, everything is shifting

• Our dream.  A dream of serving God as a family unit in the midst of a different culture is ending so much sooner than we thought.  We’re struggling with the disappointment and confusion - why?  Why not us?  Now, everything is shifting.
  

But in God’s kindness, He is revealing some hidden gems for our family.

• Emma Grace will once again have the support of a family living in the same city!  

• We will be near our parents and family.  Scott’s dad has been undergoing chemo treatment the last 6 months, and the reality of distance and hard things has been so very real to us.  

• Zoey will be able to transition back to the US at an earlier age.  There is such a big difference between 6th grade and 8th grade!  Time to learn how to make friendships and navigate school once again. 

• The job that Scott is transitioning to is one where he can continue to work with the leadership in the DR and in Uganda.  His work of helping them to develop programs, mentoring, and encouraging the local staff will continue. 

• I have also been offered a job with Makarios, and it is a job that I am not only thankful for, but one that I love - telling stories.

• The opportunity to find and create community for Scottie.  She will be 18 years old by the time we move back.  EIGHTEEN!  We know now more than ever that it is time for us to create opportunities for Scottie to have purpose to her days.  

• We will be near Scott's sister and her family again after 13 years of distance.  Zoey has NEVER lived in the same city as her aunt, uncle, and cousins.

• We will be able to find a local church and begin to rebuild community sooner than later.  I have healed so much over the last two years and I am MORE than ready to throw myself into the Church.  I miss worship.  I crave diving more into theology.  I desire a community of believers.

Holding God’s kindness in one hand and my disappointment in another, I wake up each day reminding myself to feel what I feel, remember what I know, do what I can do, and hold onto 3 truths.

In the midst of this transition, I feel

• Tired.  Tired of transitioning.

• Deeply sad.  I am sad to leave with so much unfinished. 

• Peace.  Despite being tired and sad, I have such peace.

In the midst of this transition, I know

• God has a plan and in my humanness, I can only see one small part at a time, but God’s perspective is so much greater than mine.

• God is in control, and I am NOT.

• God wants good things for me and for my family.

In the midst of this transition, I am

• Planning for our move home (there is SO much to do).

• Trying to remain present and spend as much time as possible with our people in the DR.

• Continuing to deep dive into theology, asking questions, and discovering what I really believe and why.

In the midst of this transition, I will hold onto these truths

• Scott and I must be a team.

• God simply wants us to be obedient

• Ministry is where my two feet are - Houston, Dominican Republic or Austin.
  

All of these things keep our eyes on our Shepherd as He leads us.

All of these things work together and shape our future.  

All of these things shift who we are, as we continue to become who God wants us to be. 

None of these things are bad or wrong - all of these things can be used for good - our good and the good of those we meet.  

None of these things create a totality of our story - all of these things contribute to the story God is weaving together.  

None of these things mark an ending - all of these things indicate a new beginning as we transition from one to another.

In October 2019, we left the Bigs, our family, our friends, and our home and stepped off a plane and transitioned from Howdy to Hola.

In May 2022, we will leave our friends, the Makarios staff, our dream of being missionaries, and our home and will step off a plane and transition from Hola to Howdy.

And with great confidence, I can say that in both situations I know that God in His great mercy, grace, and kindness towards us - was and will be present in both situations. Our God is a God of the hola and the howdy.

a season of slow mornings

Realizing that this season I am in is a season that may not last forever.  

It is a season that exists because…

I am not a parent to littles anymore

The pandemic exists

We live in another country

My work is part-time and in the home

Responsibilities and expectations of me are less

We have help at the house for those chores that once kept me busy

Recognizing this season while I am in the midst of it is such a gift.  I am thankful for it.  I am taking full advantage of it.  I don’t want to waste it.

a season of slow mornings

There is no rush to get out the door for work or to get the kids to school.

No one is on their way to the house.

There are no meetings.  Places to be.  Errands to run.

No have to’s, need to’s, or shoulds.

There is a space to be still.

Saying yes to Jesus.

There is room to pursue, study, and investigate.

Saying yes to new thoughts.

There is freedom to write my thoughts, pray, and send messages of encouragement.

Saying yes to following the Holy Spirit’s leading.

After my initial waking up, opening up the home (literally opening the windows for the day), and feeding the pets, I grab my cup of coffee and sit down with my Bible, journals, St. Benedict’s Prayer Book, and my laptop.

My Coffee Time with Jesus is how I refer to my slow mornings.

Reading scripture, studying the verses, and collecting my thoughts and questions, I read the verses for my online Bible study, “Just Jesus.”  I journal the thoughts in my head and new discoveries, and then I share them online with my friends.

Wanting to understand what scripture says about loving others, the roles of women in the church and at home, homosexuality, marriage, following Jesus, racism, conflict with others, etc., I dive into Scripture and study it for myself.  If I need to research online commentaries, other’s thoughts, the meaning of the Greek or Hebrew word, or suggestions of other verses, I open up my laptop and research.  I journal what I discover.  I write my questions.  I do the work to figure out what I think the Scripture means.  I ask the Holy Spirit to guide me.  Lead me.

Knowing I need to be active and intentional in my prayer life, I journal my prayers, always beginning with gratitude.  If I feel the nudge from the Holy Spirit, I send a message to those I am praying for because I know what a difference it can make to know that someone is praying for you.

Discovering the beautiful words of St. Benedict, I read his daily prayers.  I have read and reread these prayers over and over, and the repetition of the prayers has been therapeutic, soothing to my soul, and life giving.

Desiring stillness, I spend five minutes of being still.  Assessing how my body feels, where my body is carrying the stress.  Processing the looping thoughts.  Practicing controlled breathing.  Inhaling truth.  Exhaling lies.  

My Coffee Time with Jesus is giving me life, nourishing my soul, and providing a needed rhythm to my days.  My Coffee Time with Jesus is drawing me nearer to the One who I want to please.  My Coffee Time with Jesus is part of my season of slow mornings, and I know it may not last.  But for today, I wake up cherishing my slow mornings.  For today, I will take advantage, sit with my Jesus, sip my coffee, and take my time discovering what it means to love God and love others.  My Coffee Time with Jesus starts with my willingness to give my mornings to Him.  But I am fully aware that it is this season of slow mornings that gives me the opportunity to give so much time to Jesus.  I am thankful for this season, and I am choosing to believe that the things I learn during this season are molding me and revealing more of Jesus to me.  When the next season arrives, My Coffee Time with Jesus may change but how I use my time (whether it is plentiful or limited) starts with me. 

Right Where I Am

When you look around to find your home, job, church and every other area of life you can think of (entertainment, restaurants, stores, etc.) are different and new, you have moments of feeling paralyzed with doubts.  Not doubts about the reason you made that choice.  Not doubts about the very clear calling on your life.  Not doubts about your gifts and talents and how God can use you.  The doubts bubble to the surface because what was familiar is no longer familiar.  These doubts both separate you from those around you and unify you with those who are experiencing the same doubts.  These doubts propel you forward with renewed energy while at the same time depleting all of your energy.  These doubts nudge you towards Jesus and pave the way of throwing up your hands in despair.  I give up.  No, I will press forward.  I have nothing to give.  No, I will offer everything.  

A series of conversations, loss of ministry opportunities, and the stalling of momentum laid the groundwork as I read Jeremiah 29.  After 30 minutes of reading and journaling, I was reminded of 3 truths, 3 applications of these truths, 1 promise, and 1 warning.

Towards the end of Jeremiah’s time, God’s people were in exile.  Babylon had conquered Jerusalem and many Israelites had been taken to Babylon (remember the story of Daniel).  

God speaks through his prophet Jeremiah to remind His people of His sovereignty and to provide them with practical encouragement on what to do now.

**Please note - I am in NO way suggesting that living in the Dominican Republic by our own choice is the same as God’s people who were exiled.  I am simply stating, that like them, we live in an unfamiliar country.**

Verse 4 “Thus says the LORD of hosts, the God of Israel, to all the exiles whom I have sent into exile from Jerusalem to Babylon”

Truth # 1 - God is the sender.  He sent the Israelites into exile and there is always a purpose for the sending.  Always.  We aren’t located where we are, in the Dominican Republic, by happenstance.  God sent us here.  When we were living in the suburbs of Houston, we were sent there by God.  It is where He wanted us for an allotted time.

Let’s skip a few verses down in Jeremiah.

Verses 10-11 “For thus says the LORD: When seventy years are completed for Babylon, I will visit you, and I will fulfill to you my promise and bring you back to this place.  For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.”  

Truth # 2 -God has a plan for us.  Verse 11 tells us that He has “plans for our welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.”  Nowhere does it say that the plans He has for us are easy and without trials.  Being a Christ-follower is not a guarantee that life will be trouble free.  But the beauty in being a child of God is that these plans are not for evil; they are plans to give us a future and a hope.  We have hope because our Father is a good, good God.  We have hope because even when we don’t know what is around the corner, we have the Holy Spirit as our guide and counselor.  We have hope because the plans God has for us are for us.  They have been especially designed for us, and we have been created for a purpose and with a purpose.

Verses 12-14 - “Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will hear you.  You will seek me and find me, when you seek me with all your heart.  I will be found by you, declares the LORD, and I will restore your fortunes and gather you from all the nations and all the places where I have driven you, declares the LORD, and I will bring you back to the place from which I sent you into exile.”

Truth # 3 - God will not abandon us.  When we take an active step and seek God with all of our heart, He hears us and will find us.  He will lift us out of the pit, out of despair, out of exile and restore us.  We are not alone even when we feel alone.  We have been give the Holy Spirit who will never leave us.  We literally carry the Spirit of God within us!!  It is such a great reminder that even we feel overwhelmed and alone, He is right there.  Encouraging us.  Cheering for us.  Guiding us.  Restoring us.

Knowing these 3 truths is powerful, but God has also provided instructions to the Israelites about what to do while they are in exile.  Regardless of where we are located - Dominican Republic, Houston, Austin, or any other place on earth, here are three ways to apply these truths.  Let’s pop back up to verses 5-7.

Verses 5-7 “Build houses and live in them; plant gardens and eat their produce. Take wives and have sons and daughters; take wives for your sons, and give your daughters in marriage, that they may bear sons and daughters; multiply there, and do not decrease.  But seek the welfare of the city where I have sent you into exile, and pray to the LORD on its behalf, for in its welfare you will find your welfare.”

Application # 1 - Build your house and LIVE in it.  Verse 5 tells us to live your life to its fullest right where you are located.  Don’t press pause on your life trying to wait it out to see where God will take you next, because the truth is, you could be in this spot for a year, 5 years, a decade or 70 years.  God wants us to live our life fully where our two feet are located.  Not only does it say to build a home and live in it, but He tells us to plant the garden and eat from it.  When I read that part, I kept thinking about how the act of eating is an opportunity to fellowship with those around us.  One indicator of the health of our family can be what happens around the dining table.  Are we eating meals together?  Do we speak to one another, share truth, and laugh together?  Right now, in this season, our feet are located in Montellano, Dominican Republic and we need to live our lives fully as we disciple Zoey and Scottie around our table.

Application # 2 - Create your family.  Obviously, Scott and I had already created our family prior to the move.  But when we packed up only two of our four kids and moved to the Caribbean, we left a huge part of our family and our support community in the United States.  When I read verse 6, I am reminded that we are supposed to create our “family”, our new community, here.  We cannot simply close ourselves off and just wait it out until later.  We were created to live in community, and for some of us (ME!), the community doesn’t always come naturally because we are reserved and cautious.  In our pride, we live our lives as though we can handle it all on our own. Somehow allowing others into our support community, the family we create, seems too vulnerable because we are acknowledging that we don’t have it all together.  But I am reminded that we are designed for community (family), and regardless of where we are located and no matter for how long, we are told to create this community right where are two feet are located.

Application # 3 - Love and serve those in the place where you live.  Verse 7 tells us to seek the welfare of those who are in our city.  Seeking the welfare of others, especially strangers and not ourselves, is often so very contrary to what we are told by the world to do.  God tells us to pray on their behalf.  I am not told to thump them over the head with “shoulds” and “why don’t yous”, but rather I am told to humbly petition on their behalf before the Lord.  

In Matthew 22:37-39, Jesus teaches us that the greatest commandment in the law is to “love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.  This is the great and first commandment.  And a second is like it: You shall love your neighbor as yourself.”

Love God and love others.  It is that simple.  We don’t need to study the Greek looking for a different interpretation because it means exactly what it says.  It just couldn’t be more clear.  

In John 13:34-35 Jesus says, “A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another: just as I have loved you, you also are to love one another.  By this all people will know that you are my disciples, if you have love for one another.”

If we love others well, they will know that we are Christ’s disciples.  The evidence of who we are, who we follow, and what we believe is in our actions.  Our words have power, but at the end of the day, the way in which we love our city says so much more than our words.  

Jeremiah 29:7 gives us a little motivation, or a promise, for seeking the welfare of and praying for the city where our two feet are located.  

“for in its welfare you will find your welfare.”

Promise - Caring for the welfare of others is how we will find our welfare.  The definition of welfare (according to Oxford Languages) is the health, happiness, and fortunes of a person or group.  Our health, happiness, and fortunes are wrapped up in the how we care for others. 

Yet, Jeremiah also issues a warning for those in exile.

Verses 8-9 “For thus says the LORD of hosts, the God of Israel: Do not let your prophets and your diviners who are among you deceive you, and do not listen to the dreams that they dream, for it is a lie that they are prophesying to you in my name; I did not send them, declares the LORD.”

Warning - Be cautious of the voice(s) you allow to speak to you.  Are you believing the truths, promises, and instructions of God? Or are you allowing outside voices to take prominence in what you believe to be true. Reread verses 8 and 9.  Jeremiah says they are trying to deceive and lie to us.  The voice telling you that it is ok to close yourself off from your community because it is only temporary, that voice is deceiving you.  The voice causing you to doubt your purpose, gifts, and ability to love your neighbor because you are a stranger, that voice is lying to you.  The voice whispering that you are all alone, that voice is not sent from God.  

Choose to make God’s voice the loudest voice and trust that He has you exactly where He wants you.  Each day wake up and choose obedience.  Create your home right where you are and live your life.  Fellowship in your home.  Invite others into your community - the family you create.  Seek the welfare of and pray for those in the city where your feet are located.  We do these things because they are an act of obedience.  But friend, God tells us that by doing these things we will also find our own health, happiness, and fortune.  God’s kindness towards us is so very great.  May the One who sends you be the One you seek.  Living a life that truly reflects the heart of God always starts with me. 

Generosity

Living in a culture that is so different from the United States gives us an opportunity to see the world and our lives from a different perspective.  Dominican daily life is very communal.  Typically, you live with your parents until you are married.  It is common to live in the same community your entire life near relatives and lifelong friends.  Your neighbors and friends have been your neighbors and friends for decades.  Mommas helping mommas as they parent the children who love to run through the streets.  Grandmas, aunts, and older siblings stepping in to help with childcare as parents work.  Need a cup of sugar or an egg; you walk next door and ask.  If you grab a quick snack from the colmado, you open the bag of chips and share with those around you.  Without thinking or without someone asking, you generously share what you have.  You share your time, possessions, and life.  It is just what you do; it is what you know.

During the years that we lived in the States, we had some sweet neighbors.  I have no doubt we could have asked for help or borrowed a cup of sugar, but we didn’t ask.  We lived our lives self-sufficiently, and if we needed something, we would jump in the car and get it.  Dependence and relationship took a backseat to politeness and not being a bother.  Living our lives relying on ourselves was an indicator of success.  Of course, we occasionally asked for help watching the children or moving homes because that was socially the norm.  And truth be told, Scott and I could handle things for the most part.  But what did this independence cost us?

Opportunities.

Relationships.  

Humbleness.

Communities.

Living away from our former support system consisting of grandparents, aunts and uncles, cousins, friends, co-workers, and most of all the Bigs, we are being stretched to adopt the Dominican communal way of life.  Slowly but surely, we accept the help from the woman next door who will sweep our sidewalk and come into the yard to water.  We didn’t ask, but she offers freely.  When the sweet boy next door, Hansel, rings the bell at our gate to tell us that “basura” is coming, we open the gate so that he can help pull our trash can down the road.  When I needed to get some bloodwork done, I messaged a friend and asked for help with the girls.  Needing a weekend away with Hubs, I asked another friend if she could keep the girls for the weekend.  I do NOT like to drive outside of our community and we only have one car, so catching rides with friends to go to run errands requires me to accept help.  Neighbors stopping by and saying they aren’t feeling well provides us with opportunities to give orange juice and some cold medicine.  Bags and bags of limes, avocados, and mangos given to us because there is an abundance.  Neighbors celebrating a birthday walk to us with pieces of cake on a plate.  Thoughtful.  Intentional. Generous.

The Dominicans and the American missionary communities take care of their own.  And slowly but surely, we are discovering that we are becoming part of them and they are becoming part of us.  And now we have…

Opportunities.

Relationships.  

Humbleness.

Community.

When we move back to the States, I hope that we will continue to live our lives with generosity.  Asking.  Offering.  Celebrating and mourning.  Eating.  Praying.  Speaking truth.  Listening.  Sharing.  Observing.  Depending.  Living side by side.  Serving one another. 

This way of living feels right.  I believe it is how it is meant to be.  It is how God created us.  We were meant to do life with others.  Allowing this shift towards being generous requires us to open our hands and humbly offer what we have with an abundance of generosity.  It starts with us.

Un Año en la República Dominicana

1 year

12 months

365 days

525,600 minutes

Holidays without family

Moving Emma Grace into dorm

Car accident

COVID mania

Borders closed

Protests and riots

Birthdays missed

Packing our home

EG moving into first apartment

Selling home

Funerals

Missing family dinners

Unavailable during a crisis

Hurricanes

Endings to some friendships

Nesting and creating a home

Buying a car

Meeting new people

Learning language 

Writing

Exploring the new country

Discovering ministry opportunities

Serving staff

Beginning job

Trying new things

Starting a podcast

Celebrating holidays and birthdays differently

Sitting on the beach

Riding a moto (scooter)

Eating great food

Building community

Listening

Trying to understand perspective

Missing Bigs

Not in our wildest dreams could we have imagined our first year in the Dominican Republic.  COVID took all of our expectations and plans and shook them up until we simply threw our hands up and decided to wing it.  You cannot plan too far forward when you aren’t sure if the borders will open or if the curfew will be extended.  WIll stores open?  Restaurants?  We simply woke up each morning and made the best of that day.  I laugh when I look at the color coded spreadsheet outlining our language acquisition plan.  Just bless my heart for trying to have a solid plan!  A year later and I am happy to report Scott did really well with language, but sadly I did not.  And here is the thing that I am most surprised about this reality, it’s fine.  It really is.  Ideally, I would wake up tomorrow and be completely fluent (praying for a miracle).  My heart’s desire has always been to be able to have good conversations with Dominicans and be able to serve them well.  Guess what?  COVID and my fear of failure halted my language, but they did not keep me from having great conversations with Dominicans.  The last few months I have seen ministry opportunities present themselves over and over.  Our plans were thwarted, but our God is bigger than a spreadsheet.  

Oh how I miss our BIGS!  Of course, I knew we would.  I knew it would be hard to miss birthdays and everyday events.  My biggest fears and worries about moving were all about Jake and Emma Grace and our relationships as a family unit.  We talk often despite the growing frustrations every single time the WiFi causes us to lose connection.  Bigs sold our house.  Bought a car.  Moved.  Started school.  Got jobs.  All of these things without us there and it SUCKS!  I wish I could find a more eloquent way to write that, but it is the truth.  I will also share this truth.  Our kids have sold a house, bought a car, moved, started school, and work.  They have had support from our family, but the reality is the Bigs are adulting in ways they would not have had we not moved.  Watching them from the outside tackle all of these things reminds me that they are freaking amazing and we didn’t mess up this parenting thing too much.  I hold onto the belief that the Denton family will only be stronger and more unified because of this experience.

The most surprising hard thing has been not being available for a few of our friends during crisis.  Two of our dearest friends lost parents while we were here.  More than anything, I wish we had been home during the illnesses and to serve and love our friends supporting them as they grieved.  A friend with a marriage crisis and I wish I could have sat on her couch with her just to listen.  A friend with an unexpected health crisis in her family and I felt helpless sitting on this Caribbean island while she sat in a hotel room.  We missed these moments in time and they are moments you can never have back.  Learning how to love others well from a distance is hard, but we are trying.

All of these moments in a year’s time and it is as though they happened in a blink of an eye.  A year has come and gone so quickly.   In this past year, I have only been with the Bigs for 8 weeks.  How?  We are planning our trip home for Thanksgiving and Christmas.  How is it possible that it has been a year? At the end of the day when you look at the things we have missed and the things we have experienced, not a single doubt lands at our feet.  We are exactly where we are supposed to be and doing exactly what we are supposed to be doing.  It isn’t easy.  It isn’t predictable.  It often magnifies our weaknesses, but if you look closely you see how beautifully it has highlighted Jesus’s strengths.  Each day we wake up on this beautiful island.  We place the Bigs in God’s hands.  We live our life simply as the Dentons and pray that God would use our family’s journey to encourage others and glorify Jesus.  It is all we have ever wanted.  Plans thrown away.  Hard stuff still sitting there next to the beauty of the experience.  Here we are.  Use us.

Strolling Through Los Ciruelos

Scott and I took an evening walk in Los Ciruelos, our neighborhood in the Dominican Republic. Deciding to pay attention to the things around us, we stepped through our gate and onto the street with our phones in hand ready to capture this community of ours.

We walked primarily on the street because the sidewalks are not consistent and oftentimes are not a solid, safe surface. The streets are busy - motos whipping past us, people walking, cleaning, and visiting with one another. When cars go past us, we usually have to step to the side to wait for them to pass because the streets are narrow in many spots. The photo on the left is what our neighborhood looks like as you enter into it. I am obsessed with the different colors on the homes - vibrant, beautiful colors that tell a story of the person living in the home. During our walk I am reminded that Scott has done a much better job than I have at getting to know our neighbors. He ran into more than one person that he knew by name!

When I am in a new place, I am drawn to the plants and flowers. Life and beauty can be found regardless of where you are if you just stop to see it. As we were walking, we looked up and above our heads were these great big avocados. I am a fan of guacamole and a great big slice of avocado on my salad or sandwich. They are gorgeous, huge and plentiful. Look at the vibrant colors of the flowers shouting at you to take notice! On the opposite side of the road, I saw the succulents growing tall creating a border wall for a yard. As I stopped to take a picture, I saw the trash. Trash in the midst of the beauty or is it beauty in the midst of the trash? I hesitated before I took the picture because of the trash, but the reality is, the trash is everywhere and it has been something that we have had to reconcile in our American minds. We have trash service, but it is hit or miss and doesn’t follow a regular pick up schedule in our neighborhood. You have to know the truck in down the street and drag your trash can to it. There is SO much trash burning in our neighborhood as well. But the truth is, there is just trash on the side of the road. It is what it is, with no real explanation.

In our neighborhood, we passed a handful of businesses. Of course there is our favorite colmado that Mary owns. Scott and the girls stop here several times a week to pick up snacks. Many of our friends buy their food from a colmado - eggs, rice, meat, cheese, fruit, and the list goes on. You buy what you need for that meal and go home and cook. She also sells the botellones that provide clean drinking water. Our family uses 4 to 5 botellones a week and they only cost 40 pesos per bottle (about 80 cents each). The Loteka and Banca buildings are places to buy lottery tickets. We are always amazed at how many people stop and purchase a lottery ticket hoping for easy money. Walking down one of the streets, we look up and see the cutest little hair salon. It has pink curtains and is definitely feminine. A place to get your hair washed, cut, styled, or braided. A little further down the street, we pass another salon.

The public school for our neighborhood is just a few doors down from our house. In fact when Scott gives directions to our home (because we don’t have an address), he tells them to turn by the “escuela”. The green gate is closed because school is closed, but Scott was tall enough to get a picture of the inside. The libreria is a small store that sells school supplies for the students. Near the school is a basketball court. A group of older teens and young men play basketball here every morning and in the evenings. The noises from the games can be heard from our home.

In our neighborhoods in Texas, we would see dogs, cats, squirrels, and the random opossum. On a daily basis we encounter cows, horses, chickens, dogs, and cats. They walk the streets leaving a mess behind! I keep asking Scott if I can have a baby cow or some chickens, but he has remained steadfast in his “no”, so I will make do with the farm that wanders our streets. Outside one of the colmados we caught a peek of two pigs destined for the dinner table. Seriously not something we saw on our evening walks a year ago!

Uniformity of wooden fences in the planned developments we have lived in has given me a whole new appreciation for the beauty that is found in different. Many of the homes have fences - you want to create a boundary to protect what is yours but what you really want is to keep the animals out! Some fences are made from scrap wood or metal. Other fences are concrete and contain decorative details along with their practicality. By far the most common fence is the stick and barbed wire fence. Use what you have access to and get the job done!

Who needs satellite when you have cows being herded multiple times a day up and down the street. They go from where they “live” to a pasture for feeding. Big, momma cows are usually herded together and the baby calves go out separately. We LOVE the calves. Sometimes one cow will go rogue and head for the yard, but mostly they listen to their owner who calls them all by name. Our dog, Sandy, is not a fan of cows and as soon as she can hear the whistle and calling she begins to bark. Every single time! If you are driving, you just stop and wait. If you are riding a moto, you slow down and ease past the herd because you don’t want to frighten them. I think it is just a matter of time until I buy a calf - I need one!

We passed multiple shells of homes or apartment buildings. Some are just being built and some are deteriorating. Most people build as they have money so seeing partial builds is common. There are many who began building but will not be able to finish because there is no money - life has changed. Today on the walk, I wondered about the people building the homes. Where are they? Will they be able to finish? Are all of their hopes and dreams sitting there as an empty shell? Do they come visit and walk around and dream? Or is the shell a reminder of the inability to build - the jobless, the death, the unexpected? Each unfinished home has a story and I want to know the story. The picture on the far right is one of the homes that clearly has been there for a long time. We pass this one all the time because it is just a few doors down. The only real question I have is why in the world is there a car inside of it and how did it get there?

We chose Los Ciruelos for a few reasons. The first reason is that it is near the Makarios House where our teams stay (about 5-6 houses away). Short term mission teams mean a lot to us because they are why we are here. It is why we have a passion and desire to serve in other countries. The MAK House is normally a place of activity, laughter, and life change. As we peeked through the gate, it was just a sad reminder that COVID pressed pause on our teams and the house just seems a little sad. What we didn’t know at the time we began renting our house is that our friend Jacque would end up renting an apartment between us and the MAK House. In the picture on the top right is our friend Jacque’s apartment (she lives in the back building). Jacque is my person - the one who is in charge of the girls if something happens to us. The one I call when I need help. The one I laugh with and the one who fully understands what it means to leave children behind. The bottom two pictures are our house. Scott visited the DR at least a dozen times prior to our move and as the guaguas (vans) drove past this house on the way to the MAK House, he would tell everyone that if we ever moved to the DR, this is the house we wanted to live in. It screamed his name. Beckoning him with the bright yellow color and amazing yard. It has been our safe place where the girls can run around with our dog Sandy. We have the most amazing landlady and the neighbors take care of us. Our transition has been so good and a big reason for that is this house feels like home - not just for us, but for those who sit on our couch or gather around our table and visit with us. This home gave us a community, the community of Los Ciruelos.

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As I type these words, the same phrase keeps running through my head. This home has given us a community, but what have we given back to this community. I cannot say with certainty that we have given back very much yet, but I do know that they deserve the very best that we can give. So as the first year in the DR comes to a close, we will make the commitment for year two to find ways to give back to the place that has given us so much.

7 Ways to Support a Missionary

This week I received a message from someone just checking in on our family.  Leaving behind friends, family and familiarity is hard, yet there are moments, like receiving that message, that encourage us to keep trusting the decision to move to the Dominican Republic to serve as missionaries.  A reminder that we are not forgotten and we are not alone.  We have experienced so many moments of feeling fully supported by others.  Texts sent to Jake and Emma Grace to check on them.  Offers to feed and care for them when the Coronavirus hysteria began.  Messages from friends sent to just see how we are and share what is going on in their lives.  Families who give us financial support so that we can do what we are doing.  Fifty-four individuals who committed to being on our prayer team and pray for us.  Packages sent to us with American snacks, books, and fun things for Scottie and Zoey.  All of the encouragement and support are so invaluable. 

If you support a missionary, your church has sent a missionary, or if you know a missionary, there are 7 simple ways you can support your missionary friend on their journey.  If you are a parent, I highly recommend you involve your children.  Fostering a love for the world, cultures, and missionaries is something parents can give their children.  Your simple gesture of support has the potential to make a huge difference in the lives of those who serve in another country.  

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1 - Pray for the missionary and their family.  Put up a visual reminder to help prompt you to pray for them.  Ask the missionary if there are specific requests.  And let the missionary know that you prayed for them.  The simple words, “I prayed for you and your family today” are so very meaningful and encouraging.

2 - Reach out to your missionary friend.  Ask them how they are doing and what life is like for them.  Share with them what you are doing and how your life is going.  When you enter a new culture, you lose the feeling of being known.  Show your friend that you see them and that they are known by you.

3 - Follow them on their journey.  Try to understand their new country/culture by asking questions.  Take notice of the ways their new life is similar and the ways it has changed.  Knowing that someone is interested in the work you are doing is powerful.  If you are able, invest in their journey by making a commitment to them.  This commitment can vary from intentional prayer to financial giving (regardless of the amount - even $10 a month tells your friend that you are invested in their ministry and family!).

4 - Foster an appreciation and love for missions to your children. Find ways to engage your children.  Perhaps they can write letters, send emails, or Facetime a little missionary (like a pen pal!).  Show them pictures and share stories of what the life of a missionary looks like.  Celebrate with your child the stories of life change.  Show them what it looks like to demonstrate compassion through words and deeds.  Read books about missionaries and encourage conversations about what it would be like to be a missionary.

5 - Remember the ones the missionaries leave behind.  Older kids, siblings, parents, grandparents, nieces, nephews, friends, etc.  The ones at home are adjusting to the new normal too and in some cases have lost part of their support system.  If you know one of their loved ones, send them a text telling them you are praying for them, ask if they need something, or show up for them by standing in the gap.

6 - Extend grace.  Often times immersing into a new culture and new language can be overwhelming.  Your missionary friend may not be quick to respond, hesitate to reach out, or unable to put words to the experience.  Assume the best of your friend.  Just keep reaching out and praying for them.  

7 - Cheer for your missionary friend.  Let them know that you are for them, believe in their gifts and talents, and are confident that God can and will use them for His purposes.  Living in a new place and being in ministry can be lonely and filled with doubt because the results of your work and effort are rarely immediate.  They need someone to stand up and cheer for them.  Be that person!

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I believe that if you continue to connect to your missionary friend and their ministry, you and your family will not only be able to encourage the individual and the ministry, but you will be blessed.  Every person plays a part and the part that you offer contributes to the overall ministry.  You become partners in ministry and that is a beautiful blessing.   

6 Months in the DR

It’s time to celebrate! April 16th marks 6 months that Scott, Scottie, Zoey, and I have lived in the Dominican Republic. Woohoo!

While we were at mission training last September, I sat crisscross on the bed with my back against the wall and the laptop in my lap. Together, Scott and I created our plan for language acquisition, divided into different time periods for each person. We discussed and committed in writing our boundaries and priorities for the first year of living in the DR. We collected all of the intel we could about what life would be like for us and the girls. We made plans because we wanted to be prepared and set our family up for success. Fast forward a few months and the Coronavirus has taken over the world - literally. In no universe would we have sat on that bed in Colorado and typed in the word P-A-N-D-E-M-I-C.

Leading up to the big move, Zoey consistently and clearly told us and her leaders at missionary training that she was NOT excited about moving to the DR. She was afraid to start a new school. Learning while being surrounded by a new language didn’t seem like an easy task and she wasn’t interested. She just wanted us to remain in Texas, go to her same sweet school, and learn 3rd grade material in English. We needed a plan that would help her ease into her new school, so our master plan was for her was to stay home the first few months, adjust to a new culture and visit her new class a little at a time - dip her cute, little toes into the agua. Leading up to her January start date, she was nervous. She begged us to let her stay home - to just homeschool her. We anticipated a hard transition to a full immersion Spanish school. We expected her to cry and insist that what she needed and wanted was to stay at home. Scott and I prepared for her reaction - agreeing that once she was fluent, then we could reassess and perhaps homeschool her. When we planned for the best possible outcome, we discounted and forget about what God could do for her, in her, and through her. She is thriving! She loves Makarios. She adores her teacher and says that her classmates are her friends. She has begun to pick up some Spanish words and will practice using what she knows - unafraid and full of courage. She initiates play with her friends, and when things are getting uncomfortable, she uses her words and seeks advice on how to best navigate her new culture. Zoey says that although they don’t speak the same language, she understands her teacher and friends and they understand her. So can you imagine her reaction when the school closed its doors because of Coronavirus? It is not a reaction of relief but rather sadness. She misses her teacher and friends and worries she will lose her Spanish. Through Zoey, God is reminding us that although we set our expectations and make future predictions, He demonstrates His sovereignty and power because He is the one who orchestrates the experiences and outcomes - not mom and dad.

Scott and I created a very specific language plan. Scott has maintained an amazing resolve and has committed to the learning process. Even now when the language school is closed, he continues to have lessons virtually - every SINGLE morning. There are frustrating days when he thinks he just isn’t understanding or speaking as well as he wants. His confidence in speaking is still his biggest hurdle and what he needs is to practice. Yet, coronavirus has us quarantined in our homes and his opportunities to speak have lessened. Was this part of our master plan? Of course not! Yet instead of giving up and using this as an excuse to take a break, he digs in and views it as an opportunity to take advantage of the extra hours in his day to really pursue Spanish. God continues to show us that our well intended plans are not always His plans.

Sitting on that bed at missionary training, I tried to envision what my ministry would look like once we arrived. We knew that I needed to take my time and not just jump into something - by nature, I am a jumper! The one thing that kept beckoning me was ultimately the one thing I needed to do (other than loving and serving my family) which was to love, encourage, and pray for our American missionaries, It is no surprise that Satan attacks those who dedicate their lives to serving God and sharing the Gospel. These attacks come in the form of conflict, lack of confidence, fear, anxiety, environmental discomforts, lies, self-doubt, and loneliness. One of the most important things for the health of our organization is for our American missionaries to be healthy, so they can serve to their fullest and be the hands and feet of Jesus. And I know that what I can offer to them is to intercede on their behalf, letting them know they are not alone, and encouraging them. I had grand plans for how to spend quality time with them, but Coronavirus has pressed pause on those plans. Yet the Holy Spirit continues to place them on my heart. So I obey, by continuing to pray for them and encourage them with the one thing I have to offer right now - my words.

Our plans that we created will need some adjusting once the quarantine is over. In fact, I believe the plans will not only be new but greatly improved. What life looks like in 2 months, 6 months, or a year from now will be a new normal. My hope is that when the new normal begins, we will learn from this experience and remember to be present. Be obedient. Follow God. Follow His leading, even if where He is taking us begins to deviate from the well intended plans we had for the path we wanted to go down. Hold your plans loosely in your hands and allow God to move and rearrange your plans in order to align them with His plan for you.

“Abide in me, and I in you. As the branch cannot bear fruit by itself, unless it abides in the vine, neither can you, unless you abide in me. I am the vine; you are the branches. Whoever abides in me and I in him, he it is that bears much fruit, for apart from me you can do nothing. If anyone does not abide in me he is thrown away like a branch and withers; and the branches are gathered, thrown into the fire, and burned. If you abide in me, and my words abide in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be done for you. By this my Father is glorified, that you bear much fruit and so prove to be my disciples. As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you. Abide in my love. If you keep my commandments, you will abide in my love, just as I have kept my Father’s commandments and abide in his love. These things I have spoken to you, that my joy may be in you, and that your joy may be full.”

— John 15:4-11

Abide. After 6 month of living in the Dominican Republic it comes back to one thing. Abide. Every good work comes from our choice to abide in Jesus. If I choose to remain in Him, He will be faithful and remain in me, then there will be direction, peace, and the amazing byproduct of good works. Are you grasping your plans and expectations tightly in your hands? Oh friend, open your hands up and follow His leading. It may be different than you thought, but it is so, so sweet.

If COVID-19 was a movie…

COVID-19. What seemed like a far off virus affecting Asia has suddenly become a real event. A moment in our lifetime. A pause on our everyday normal. It is the strangest thing not being in the same country as your friends and family during a crisis. It is the thing that movies are made of - you are a distant part of the crisis, floating above, watching it like a series of movie clips. Each text. News story. Post on social media. Each piece of information becomes one of those clips. We know the characters - Jacob and Emma Grace are playing lead parts. But we don’t really know what their days look like, how they feel, or what they are experiencing. We use our imaginations but that really isn’t the same as experiencing it. Living it with them. It as though the story is being told to us through a narrator and we are losing bits and pieces. The important pieces are removed.

We realize that it is inevitable that it will sweep through parts of the Dominican Republic. Thankfully, the Dominican President has acted quickly and closed the borders while public gathering spots are no longer open. We are sticking close to home. Playing games. Watching tv. Reading. Getting on each others’ nerves. But it is an environment that I feel I have some control over. However that is not the reality for the communities that we serve. Their homes are close together. It will be almost impossible to keep everyone inside and secluded because that is not how the homes or communities are designed. Once coronavirus hits one of these communities, it will most likely sweep through, affecting dozens if not hundreds. They are in environments that they cannot control.

We read stories of the number of places that have closed in the US and know the impact on workers’ ability to support their families. A reality that hits quickly and unexpectedly for so many. The Dominicans who are employed will not earn any money while the service industry is closed - they survive because of tourism, hotels, restaurants. Or they are day laborers. Whereas America and other developed countries will be able to provide financial support to their citizens to help during this time, our communities will have to depend on one another. Their neighbors and family are their support system. Our school, Makarios, feeds students two meals a day. For some of our students, it may be the only two consistent nutritious meals they will receive. Our staff quickly put together food packages for our families to try and help supplement their food supply. Will it be enough? It isn’t a simple thing to just go down to a local grocery store to buy supplies. Food will begin to run low at our local colmados (small stores in peoples’ homes) where much of the food buying happens. The nearest supermercado (grocery stores like we would have in the States) is in Puerto Plata and would require money to get there and the food costs are higher. We have a car so Scott is able to run to the store and buy groceries. We are good. Again, it is a situation that we have some control over right now, but others do not.

We are on an island that depends on goods being imported. What happens if there are no goods to import? When the shelves are empty, they will remain empty.

We send Jake and Emma Grace some money. Tell them to go buy some food but to be smart. When they get back, they say they couldn’t spend it all because there wasn’t much to buy. They will keep trying and checking. Emma Grace works for a restaurant managed by a sweet friend of ours. They closed the restaurant and had to give the prepared food away - Emma Grace was able to go home with lots of food which is such a huge blessing because she had such a hard time finding food. They are good. They really are, but it is a situation that I feel is so out of my control. Our 18 and 20 year old children are trying to figure out how to make sure they have enough food to last for… how long? And honestly, they are so mature and calm.

Emma Grace wanted to come to the Dominican Republic to be with us. She was waiting for her college to notify the students that they would be online for the rest of the semester. We knew the window was getting smaller and smaller until it would no longer be possible. We learned on a Tuesday night that the Dominican borders would be closed on Thursday morning. Emma Grace didn’t receive information from her college until Wednesday evening. The window shut. Perhaps we should have just flown her here knowing it was inevitable. We were just trying to do everything correctly and be good stewards of our money because if she flew here for a few weeks but school resumed as normal mid April, we would not be able to fly her here again this summer. Timing is a curious thing. Timing is something we don’t have control over.

It doesn’t matter how old your kids get, there is this desire to gather them and keep them in your home during a crisis. I want them with me. As always God demonstrates His kindness towards us with every message and phone call from friends and family telling us that Jake and Emma Grace have a place in their home. They will stand in for us when we cannot. When all else feels out of control, I am reminded that God is in control.

This morning I read that the death toll in Italy has surpassed China’s death toll. Numbers without faces makes it seem less real. But, I am reminded that each number is in fact someone’s daughter, son, wife, husband, mother, father, or child, Each number is a person with a history and a dream for a future. Oh friend, I have to stop thinking about each number because the weight is heavy and the burden is great. Did we, fellow believers, do our part to love them well? Share Jesus with them?

With each movie clip being created, I realize how many of these clips are things that our out of our control. Situations. Realities. I think that what I need to do is to add to this movie by creating clips with intentional actions and words. What if we could edit in clips of time spent with Scottie around the table putting a puzzle together. A clip of us introducing Zoey to a few movie classics (Sister Act, Three Men and a Baby) from the 80s while we eat popcorn. A clip of Facetime calls with Jake as he rants and raves about Bill O’Brien’s terrible decisions in regards to the Texans. A clip of the text messages with Emma Grace as we talk about Love is Blind, things people have said, or the important things of her heart. A clip of an in-home date night with Hubs after the girls are in bed - watching a movie (Knives Out). Being present.

We can add to the movie that is playing, so I will choose to be intentional and create positive moments. Moments to store away and replay later. I will remember that God is ultimately in control, but I have a choice in how I make the best of this moment. This choice starts with me.

Content?

Horns honking. Motorcycles darting around the car. Two lane road serving as a 4 or 6 lane road. Huge speed bumps or deep, cavernous pot holes. Narrow roads. Few signs. Traffic laws that are merely suggestions, until they are not.

Just a few of the many reasons I do NOT want to drive in the Dominican Republic. Full disclosure - I am not a person who enjoys driving even when we lived in the States. However when you add all of these additional driving stressors, I am NOT exactly motivated to get behind the wheel of our car. Prior to moving, I jokingly asked Scott if we could hire a driver - just someone to drive me around. Scott didn’t think we could justify a driver and that it would look a little ostentatious. That’s ridiculous - I mean, who cares if it is a tad ostentatious if it means I am not dead! (Ok. I concede he may have a point, thus we do not have a driver!)

We spent two months this summer serving here with our groups ministry team. Out of necessity, I drove - a little. I didn’t drive far by myself and tried to stay within a 10 mile radius of the house. I left the DR feeling a little more confident and believed that I jumped a huge hurdle. I truly thought that when we moved, I would quickly begin to drive independently.

Perceived reality. Out of a lack of confidence in my driving abilities and the lack of car availability, I rarely drive anywhere - with someone or alone. We have one car, and Scott is gone most of the day. (Perfect excuse for not driving.) Scottie and I sit at home. Most weekdays, we don’t leave the house. On the weekend, our family might go to eat or to the grocery store, but Scott is with us so he is driving. Cabin fever? Not really. I do not feel trapped. I fill my days with learning, thinking, and mommying. I don’t have a burning desire to go to the store by myself. I haven’t felt the need to be around too many people. I just feel content with the situation as it is - Scottie and I alone in our house.

Reality. I am not independent. I am missing out on opportunities to connect. I feel my ministry slipping away. Scottie does need to leave the house. Yet, where is my motivation if I am not feeling discontent?

Contentment: happiness and satisfaction.

Truth. I don’t think I am content with the lack of independence or staying home all day. I am not satisfied with my ministry desires disappearing. However, the motivation and inner push to be brave and adventure out isn’t there. When I say I have no desire to get out of our house, it is the truth. So if this isn’t contentment, what is it?

Complacent: feeling so satisfied with your own abilities or situation that you feel you do not need to try any harder.

Thanks to a quick Google search and the Cambridge Dictionary I experienced a wake up call, an aha moment. Complacent is simply being overly content in your own abilities. Wait - Perhaps some of my feelings of “contentment” are actually feelings of complacency.

Perhaps, I am complacent because I am satisfied with things not being too hard. I don’t want to be pushed out of my safe, little comfort box - i.e. our house. I have a strong desire to be “good” and “right”, and I would rather not try to drive, speak Spanish, or immerse myself in ministry because what if I am not good at it, or I do it wrong. What if I fail and it is because of a lack of faith, courage, and inner strength. (FYI - The ability to find words for this motivation is after hours of reading about the Enneagram - yay Enneagram!) I am quite comfortable being complacent. It isn’t requiring effort - mentally, physically, or emotionally. However, I am finding that this complacent state is taking a toll on me spiritually. The deep desires the Holy Spirit is nudging me towards requires me to stop being complacent. The longer I ignore these nudges, the heavier I feel.

I need an action plan. Three measurable steps to move forward out of complacency.

1.) Drive. Drive every single week. Just do it even when I really don’t want to do it. Drive a short distance, and perhaps drive into the more congested and populated cities of Puerto Plata or Sousa (my heart pounds just thinking about it).

2.) Volunteer weekly at Makarios. Think of others by serving, give purpose to Scottie’s day (and mine) and create opportunities to speak Spanish - even if it isn’t good and correct.

3.) Build relationships. Intentionally spend time with our staff. Minimally, set up at least one get-together a week.

If I can just do these three things for a few weeks, then perhaps I can begin climbing out of that complacent box of comfort. I won’t like the climb, but maybe once I am at the top of the box and see everything I have been missing, I will be ready to take the next three steps.

There is a fine line between contentment and complacency. The fine line has probably been crossed in other areas of my life. Marriage. Family. Work. Relationships. Ministry. Walk with Jesus. Do you find yourself mistaking complacency for contentment? What are you complacent about, yet know that something more is being required of you? Are you willing to join me in the climb our out of the complacent box of comfort? What are three actionable steps you can take?

As always, It Starts With Me.

Zoey snapped this picture of me on the very day that I began writing this post!

Two Months in the DR (12/16/2019)

nesting ~ not yet

December 16, 2019 marks two months living full time in La Republica Dominicana.  It has been AMAZING. We had a trial run this summer when we spent 7 ½ weeks here helping with summer groups.  Those weeks taught us some important lessons (see previous post). Great news - Scott has not annoyed me this time around!  I believe that through those two months, God gave us an opportunity to figure out a couple of important things in order to set us up with a smooth, successful transition.  I’m sharing the two most important ones because I believe they can help all of us, no matter our age, socio-economic background, or geographical location.

Nesting is important.  There is a reason expecting mommas have an instinctual desire to nest before their child arrives.  Washing cloths. Organizing. Sterilizing bottles and pacifiers. We do it because instinctually we are trying to prepare for the unknown.  Creating a home as quickly as possible helped our entire family to feel settled. Safe. Comfortable. Secure. We knew before we moved what things about a home were the most important for us, and we worked quickly to make those things happen.  We knew that the sooner the house was unpacked, organized, decorated, and personalized, the sooner our reality would become REAL. The little things in the nesting process are important. Pieces from our home in the states are placed strategically to remind us of life before.  We intertwine new items to create the mix of both the old and the new. Photos of Jake and Emma Grace placed in prominent places to help us from missing their ADORABLE faces. Nesting helped Scottie and Zoey call this house “home” sooner than they would have. We created a place that feels both American and Dominican.  Nesting has been one of the best things we did in our first two months!

There is great freedom in saying “not yet”.  While we were at our missionary training in September, Scott and I created a list of intentions.  I literally typed up a document titled DR Intentionality.  Items included: what we needed to protect, scheduled breaks, what we wanted to do to stay in touch with our supporters, how to maintain a close relationship with Jake and Emma Grace, family and friends in Texas, boundaries for the first few months, Big Picture Ministry Goals, Sabbath, Scott’s needs and goals, and my needs and goals.  We brainstormed and agreed upon specific ideas, hopes, and wants. I knew that Scott (or I) wouldn’t commit us to unnecessary weekly obligations because we had already agreed to what we could handle the first few months. I knew how to support Scott to achieve his goals and needs, and he knew what I needed. Individually, we are able to confidently say “not yet” and not feel pressure to say yes.  We are able to protect our Sabbath and find rest. We find great freedom in the “not yet” because we already know that we are on the same page, we believe we are doing exactly what God wants us to do at this exact point in this journey, and we do not feel any pressure to do anything other than what is right for our family. In this freedom of “not yet”, we are able to acclimate, feel less overwhelmed, remain physically and spiritually well, and have the capacity to encourage, love, and serve. 

My challenge to whoever reads this post: You don’t have to move to a Caribbean island in order to take these two lessons into 2020.  (But honestly, the DR is beautiful, and we welcome you to join us in paradise!)

• Look around your space (home, bedroom, dorm room).  How can you make your space safe, comfortable, relaxing, and at its core, a representation of you.  You don’t have to spend money to do this! If you don’t love it, then change it. Get rid of it. If something makes you happy, put it somewhere prominent.  Add quirky, amusing decorations just to keep you entertained. (My pink flamingo brings me IMMENSE JOY!) Feeling overwhelmed by stuff? Purge! Nesting is instinctual for a reason!  NEST!!!

• Create a list of intentionality in your life.  Write it down. Hold yourself accountable for the list, but at the same time give yourself grace.  Allow the list to ebb and flow as life changes (spoiler - life is always changing). If you are exhausted and feel like you are working 7 days a week, then create a pocket of time for rest...for Sabbath.  Protect that time. Feeling disconnected from your spouse, family, or friends? Write down a couple of things you can do to stay connected. Want to change a habit or behavior, create an action plan to make it happen. When other opportunities come along that aren’t on the list, you don’t have to say no forever.  Just say “not yet”. Use this list to give you freedom to say “not yet”. 

We have settled into our new home - new country - very well.  Surprisingly well. I miss my Bigs. Our family. My students and co-workers.  Our community in Texas. But, the feeling isn’t overwhelming. The girls have adjusted beautifully.  There has been incredible peace and security. I have had the best sleep the last two months - like GREAT sleep.   As I reflect on why, I know that it is God’s kindness.  He kept laying it on my heart to be intentional in the nesting (I have the to-do lists to prove it was well thought out and purposeful) and the permission to say “not yet” by giving Scott and I direction in our list of intentionality.  

nesting ~ not yet

One Day in the Dominican Republic (11/12/2019)

Monday, November 11, 2019

My days are now different. Not bad, just different. Each day comes with routine, rhythm, simplicity, and newness dripped with familiarity.  In order to capture this for personal reflection later and to share what my day looks like, I decided to write about Monday from my perspective. 

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7:15 am

Woke up.  The sun is shining, motos are roaring past the house, and the girls are still sleeping.  I feel well-rested. 

7:30 - 8:30

Wash my face, brush my teeth and throw on some clothes.  

Get our dog Sandy out of Scottie’s room and head downstairs.  

I grab my phone and begin listening to all of my morning podcasts (“Up First” and “The Daily” - news because nothing says good morning like news from America!) 

As I pass windows, I open them up.  Fresh air and the breeze are a necessity! 

Turn on diffusers (Today’s choice is peppermint to help keep mosquitos away).  

Let Sandy outside.  Feed Sandy breakfast.  

Put up clean dishes.   

Start a load of laundry - towels.  

Begin coffee. (Thank you Jesus for black, delicious coffee!)  

Take kitten to litter box.  Feed kitten breakfast. Let kitten run around downstairs, take her to litter box again, then drop her off in Zoey’s room. 

Celebrate because I don’t have to water the plants outside. I did it yesterday.  Plant watering takes almost an hour! It is a gorgeous yard, and I am so very thankful.  But the reality is that it is a time commitment, and today it feels like I have been given an hour back as a gift.

8:30- 8:45

Kiss Scott bye - He is off to language school. (He is going to language school in Sousa for about 15 hours a week.)

Make sure girls are awake.

Elizabeth arrives to help me around the house.  (Thank you Jesus!)

Make Scottie breakfast.  Always - two waffles, big bowl of strawberry yogurt and apple juice. Predictable for sure.

Hang up towels and begin washing sheets.

Put meat in refrigerator for dinner.

Eat at quick breakfast, drink coffee and prepare for language helper.

9:00 - 11:00 am

Belkis arrives.  It is our first time together.

We walk around the house and yard and label TONS of things. She speaks very little English, and I speak very little Spanish.  But we are able to communicate (I only used Google Translate once and that was to explain to her the pictures on our wall of everyone who supports us).  I am relieved that she is so kind and patient. She seems to really want to help me. Bonus: I believe I have found a friend, una amiga.

Zoey works on some homeschooling...math, grammar, handwriting, and reading.  Scottie reads, draws, and works on some math.

11:00 am

Hang up sheets.  

Finish hanging up all of the labels Berkis and I made.  

Go over Zoey’s homework and review multiplication facts with her.  She doesn’t seem to understand why she needs to keep learning and questions the importance of learning multiplication facts.  Hello! You ARE 9!

12:00 pm

Listen to Scottie as she reads a dog book to me. (I mean seriously, I love listening to her read.)

Grab my journals, Bible, Bible study and sneak away with another cup of coffee.  Spend some time praying, journaling, reading (I’m reading 1 Corinthians right now.), and just being still.

1:00 pm

Scott had a phone meeting this afternoon and time with his language helper, so he won’t be home for lunch.  (Does that mean I still need to give girls lunch?)  

Eat lunch.  Leftovers. Chicken tacos.

Give kitten lunch.

2:00 pm

Work on Summer Intern Bible study.  I am writing a Bible study for our interns this coming summer.

Listened to Scottie read some more about dogs.  She asked me what tug-of-war meant. So Sandy and I showed her, and it turned into a game of fetch.

Scott came home before language helper.  YAY! I really, really like him. As I continue to work on the Bible study, he lays down in front of a fan.  He leaves by 3:15 to head to Pancho Mateo to meet with Elias his language helper.

Emma Grace FaceTimes because she is having a hard time paying her deposit for school. Teaching moment: call the bank!

3:30 pm

Went upstairs with girls and turned on my AC.  My plan was to read for a bit and then take a quick nap.  I read for longer...no nap. Scottie fell asleep though.

4:30 pm

Spent a little time writing.  It is my heart’s desire to make regular, intentional time to write. I know that writing will require discipline, intentionality, and courage.  Today, I wonder if I have any of those qualities. I choose to write anyways.

5:00 pm

Feed kitten dinner. Take kitten to litter box, again.  Lawd, help me - I feel like all I do is take kitten to litter box!

Feed Sandy dinner.  

5:30 pm

Invited to eat dinner with the VanArsdalens (American missionary family). 

Work on my infamous to-do list until Scott comes home.

6:00 pm

Scott makes it home - finally!!!!  

6:30 pm

Head to the VanArsdalens and eat dinner.  

Girls go swimming with VanArsdalen girls.  So thankful for friends for our girls!  

9:30 pm

Arrive home and electricity is OFF!  Because we weren’t home to catch it early, our batteries are already drained from the refrigerator.  (If we are home when it goes off, then we can turn the breaker off for the fridge, turn off all lights and fans that we aren’t using, and have what we need for a few hours.  Last time, we watched a movie in the family room with girls and had a couple of fans on to keep us cool.) Girls opted to NOT take cold showers and since they went swimming, I told them they could wait until morning.

They put on their pajamas.

Scott checks the fitted sheet still hanging outside drying.  It isn’t dry...rainy, overcast day. Thankfully, we have another set of sheets.  (No worries. Scott bought our clothes dryer on Sunday and it should arrive this week.  I won’t dry everything, but I do not enjoy khaki shorts, denim, or towels when they have been on the clothesline.  And on rainy days, I will now have dry sheets!)

Scott and I sat with the girls as they completed their devotional that they have working through about trusting God (Seems like the perfect topic for this season.) Flashlight devos are the BEST!

Lights magically come back on.  Praise you Jesus, we will have air conditioning for bedtime.

Turn on hot water.  Yes, we have to turn on the hot water.  

Take kitten out...again.  I really look forward to the time when Sandy and Nala like each other, and she can freely go to the litter box or outside by herself.

Blow out candles.  Close windows and lock up house.

10:00 pm

Girls go to bed.  Air conditioning timers set for a few hours, just long enough to cool off their rooms.

Make bed with 2nd set of sheets.  Realize that I actually like this set better because they are oh-so-soft.  I have become a sheet snob.

I take a hot shower.  YAY! There is a window really high up in the shower, and I just realized that it has the most amazing view of the mountains.  Alas. I am too short to appreciate it.

Took this photo in the morning because it was too dark Monday night.

Turn off hot water tank.

Read until I finally fell asleep around midnight...it was just a really, really good book (refer back to power nap that didn’t happen)

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The days are long.  The nights are short.  It is hot, but not as hot as it could be.  The days are full, but I am not exhausted. Washing dishes by hand isn’t convenient, but it isn’t terrible.  There is repetition and stillness in the washing. Hanging laundry up to dry is time consuming and not always effective (oh you fitted sheet with the corners that bunch up and don’t dry well), but I don’t mind it.  A few moments of quiet and repetitive actions that bring peace. Turning on hot water tank for a few minutes of hot water is not something I fully comprehend, but I definitely appreciate hot water in ways that I could never imagine.  Electricity going off for hours at a time is a real issue when it comes to night time routines, but every single time it comes on just in time. The days are long. The nights are short. But today, I wouldn’t want to be anywhere else except for the casa in Montellano in the Dominican Republic.

Home. Power. Spiders. (11/4/2019)

Three weeks in and the one thing that keeps coming to mind is that God’s kindness towards our family is all around us.  We arrived at the Puerto Plata airport with every single piece of our luggage, a happy dog, and 6 healthy, safe human beings. We were greeted with cheers and bienvenidos by Makarios staff. The home we are renting was ready for us. Cleaned. Flowers sitting on the tables. We gathered with the American missionaries for our first dinner. We spent a few days unpacking. Settling. Creating a home that is both Dominican and American. A home that is new to us, but doesn’t feel foreign. There were only a few pieces of furniture that we needed to purchase. At the top of my list was an American style couch. I envision evenings curled up with our family watching a movie. (But we can’t touch each other because it is hot so the couch needed to be big enough to spread out!) I envision friends gathering around sharing life together. Within days of the couch being delivered, we gathered in our family room with our friend and fellow missionary, Jacque, as we watched the Astros in the World Series. (It should be noted we are disappointed in the World Series outcome, but we still love our Astros!!) God is so very kind. He has given us people to do life with. To make this vision a reality. We feel at home in our house because it is ultimately about the people and not just the structure.

We have been in the DR for just under 3 weeks.  We have not had power at least a dozen times. Always in the evening and just for a few hours.  We had friends over for dinner, and we ate dinner in the dark. Took cold showers. Sat outside where it was just a tad cooler.  Kids played hide and seek in the dark because… well, why not! Hours waiting for the power to come back on, so we could go to sleep with a fan blowing. We recognize that the inconvenience for a few hours is not really a big deal.  We live well. Comfortably. Safe. We are perfectly capable of not having electricity for a few hours. It’s fine. The lack of electricity forces us off the internet.  Slows us down. In these moments, we talk. I just don’t wash my hair until morning because nothing can make this grown woman cry quite like cold water running down her neck and back.  It’s fine. It really, really is. God’s kindness towards us is real and if we pay attention, we see it even when there is no power.

When we told Zoey we were moving to the DR, Scott promised her a kitten.  Our friend, Milka, found the sweetest kitten for her. Seriously, this kitten is SO sweet.  She loves Zoey and spends her days playing, laying next to Zoey, and trying to avoid our dog Sandy (who absolutely hates the cat living in her home).  The litter box is in our laundry room and as of right now we take her to the litter box dozens of times a day (again until the dog stops trying to kill the cat).  One evening while watching the Astros, I walked into the laundry room with the kitten. And there sitting on the floor was the LARGEST spider I have ever seen. When I say it was big, you need to imagine a fake spider people use as a Halloween decoration.  I slowly backed into the kitchen. Closed the door and told Scott and Jacque that the biggest spider I have ever seen is in the laundry room. I can confidently say that I don’t think they realized that I wasn’t being overly dramatic. Scott got up to kill it (we already made him kill a roach and a wasp that flew down from the ceiling and hit Scottie in the chest).  He quickly determined that there was NO WAY he was going to kill the spider because he imagined its guts being all over the room. After Emma Grace and Jacque took a look, he shooed it out with a broom. WHAT!? That spider should have died. It is living somewhere in our yard. Getting bigger. Emma Grace captured it on video, and we showed it to some Dominicans. I am told it was definitely a tarantula.  A few nights later, a smaller version of the beast was found in the laundry room. Lessons learned: Scott won’t kill a large spider and that shall remain a controversial decision. Never EVER go into the laundry room in the dark. Our beautiful yard is probably the home to this evil spider family. God’s kindness can be found even in spidergate. We laughed, oh, did we laugh.  We had material to share with our Dominican friends and asked questions about how normal is this freak of nature tarantula.  God’s kindness doesn’t always look how I imagine, but it is still there.  

Jake and Emma Grace were able to come with us to the DR.  What a blessing it is to have them with us as we created a new home!  God’s kindness.

A few days before we left, we found out that Sandy would not able to ride under the plane.  Quickly Scott discovered how to designate Sandy as an emotional support animal. We got all of the paperwork, took Sandy to the airport for some trial runs, and practiced her sitting at our feet in tight spaces.  She did SO well on the plane. God’s kindness made a way for Scottie’s dog to come with her to the DR.

Sandy sitting in front of Scottie.

We bought a car.  Safe and reliable. Comes with a 1-year guarantee for the engine and transmission.  God’s kindness.

Our home was furnished.  We only needed a few extra things to make it work for us.  God’s kindness.

Zoey’s class at Makarios has been preparing for her.  They greet her with enthusiastic hugs. One friend, Norkis, watches out for Zoey.  Sticks by her side. Helps her. By the time Zoey goes to school in January, she will know her classmates and have a buddy. God’s kindness.

I have been praying for a ministry here.  Two things have been made VERY clear to both Scott and me in regards to how I can contribute:  Summer Interns and Loving our Staff. More of God’s kindness.

I am a community girl.  I desire a community. God has provided the most amazing people to do life with.  God’s kindness.

We desire healthy rhythms and our daily living requires us to have some specific rhythms put in place.  I have found that daily activities, like washing dishes and cleaning clothes, are completed differently here. New rhythms are created. God’s kindness.

God’s kindness towards our family is so very clear to us.  It causes me to stop and reflect upon our past. Perhaps His kindness was always being extended towards us, but we were too busy to notice.  Consumed with ourselves. Hyper-focused on the hard stuff. Maybe our first three weeks in the DR is a reminder, to not only our family but to yours as well, to look around.  Do you see His kindness? It is there. I promise. He is so, so kind.

4 Discoveries in 4 Weeks in the DR (6/17/2019)

Denton 6 on the beach in Cabarette.

4 weeks down - 3 weeks to go!  We are spending just over 7 weeks in the Dominican Republic this summer.  Our permanent move happens mid October, yet I have already discovered so much about myself.  Here are the Top 4 Discoveries:

1. A solid marriage is of the utmost importance.  Some of the things that I thought would be hard haven’t been that hard.  As a whole, we are transitioning well. But I am surprised by my overall feeling of being disconnected with Scott or at times downright annoyed with him.  It is important that you understand that I am rarely annoyed with Scott. I still smile when he walks into the room because he is my MOST favorite human being.  However, the last 4 weeks have really taken me by surprise. Who knew that the way he scratches his feet or chews on a straw could drive me bonkers. Who knew that I could be resentful that I feel I am carrying the burden for caring for the girls AND still helping with the teams.  (And to be clear, Scott helps all the time and would happily help if I asked, but I am really hoping he will read my mind.) Of all of the possible hurdles that I imagined (like Scottie not doing well or Zoey feeling overwhelmed or the heat or whatever), my marriage and our relationship was not one of the things that caused me concern.  I just wasn’t prepared for it. I am so thankful that this is happening now, so that we can be prepared. I will make time the next 3 weeks to develop ways to stay connected to Scott. Create time to communicate, process, pray and laugh together. When we return to the States in July and August, we can spend time preparing for marriage here in the DR.  We need to get away for a few days because get-aways will be super hard once we move. Even though I haven’t enjoyed the disconnect, I do know that God is revealing it to me now so that we can enter into this season of marriage with purpose and intention.

2. Never say never.  I told Scott that I would never EVER drive in the DR.  The motorcycles dart around cars and as far as I can tell, they don’t really obey any road rules.  The drivers are aggressive. All drivers honk at everything and everyone. I don’t know where anything is located, and driving is overwhelming for all of my senses!  Sometime early in week 1, Scott and I were walking out to the car and I told him I wanted to drive. It wasn’t too bad. I mean I didn’t go far and I keep forgetting to look for motos, but I did it and no one died.  Then, I tried again. Within days, I drove without Scott. Of course, it was a short distance, but I discovered that I am capable. Friday I drove to the POP airport to drop off an intern... what?!?! I can do hard things.  And I really need to stop saying “never”!

3. I am becoming a crier.  I do NOT like crying in front of people.  I am sure it is a pride issue. Perhaps it is a control issue?  I could spend some serious time in therapy investigating why, but I do know that I just don’t like it.  But I will quickly get choked up talking about my Jacob and Emma Grace. The very idea of leaving them just hurts my heart.  I don’t like it. I don’t want to do it. Yet, every single time someone asks about them or how I am doing I can feel myself unable to articulate what I feel because I don’t want to cry in front of them.  I haven’t snot-bubble cried yet, but I have allowed myself to be vulnerable. More vulnerable than I want to be, but I am 100% sure it is God’s way of growing me spiritually. I believe that through my vulnerability, He will draw me closer to a community here.  I know that healing will come through my tears, and I may not like it but it’s fine.  And right.  And freedom will be found in my tears.

4. I need a purpose.  I fully realize that my primary responsibility is to be a wife and mom.  I believe wholeheartedly that wife-ing and mommy-ing is fulfilling and enough.  More than enough. But what I am learning is that I need something else. Something to keep my mind busy.  Some way to contribute. The days when my hands and mind are idle are the days that I begin to withdraw more.  The days when I am visiting with staff, interns, or the team I feel connected and involved. Purpose is very important to my mental and emotional well-being.  Creating space and intentionality for this purpose is important this summer, but I now know that I need to enter into this new season looking for my purpose beyond my family.  

The past 4 weeks have been amazing.  The discoveries are not limited to just things about myself but also about our kids, our new community, and the Makarios staff.  I will share about these in future posts.

Scott and I made the decision to move to the Dominican Republic in November 2018.  This verse from Ephesians is one that I have been clinging to. It brings me great hope because my Jesus will do FAR more in our lives than we could ever ASK or THINK because He is at work in us.

““Now to him who is able to do far more abundantly than all that we ask or think, according to the power at work within us.” ”

— Ephesians 3:20

Scott and I on a quick moto ride to pick up some amazing Coca-Cola in glass bottles at the little colmado down the street.

Packing: An End and a Beginning (5/18/2019)

Packing.

It is important to know that I LOVE organizing, purging, and packing.  I enjoy the satisfaction of something finished. Accomplished. Checked off the list.  I am thrilled by a well organized, cleaned cabinet. I secretly celebrate each trash bag as it’s hauled out to the trash can, and if that can begins to overflow, it must be I am doing something correctly!  I guarantee that if you ask my hubs or kiddos to describe me in 5 words - organized will be one of them (Some of the other words may be less flattering, but whatevs, the house is clean!). I have always been organized.  When Emma Grace was little, she would place post-it notes on anything that she didn't want me to throw away. I notoriously threw away school papers, projects, pictures, and treasures. She knew she couldn’t control my compulsion to eliminate clutter, but she could play on mom guilt with a well placed note.  Smart girl.

With this love of organizing, you would think that packing up everything belonging to Scott, Scottie, Zoey and me would be the highlight of the year.  And in my mind, it would be. In my mind, it would be no big deal. Easy. It would fall right into my wheelhouse of talents and giftedness. So imagine my surprise when I would hide and watch Netflix, Real Housewives (because I have an obsession with those ladies), or read yet another book for hours and hours.  It is clear that I was avoiding something - not the work, but rather the feelings.

One of the first things I tackled were the books and files in our office.  Grabbing a huge plastic tub, I begin placing every children’s book that I wanted to read with my grandchildren one day.  Why in the world would I be thinking about my imaginary, non-existent amazing grandchildren? The realization that I would most likely be moving back to the States when Jake and Emma Grace were beginning their families.  It is like 5 years that have disappeared. Some books were easy and no brainers. Go, Dog, Go was read easily 10,000 times to my kids and I will read it to a little Jake or a little Emma Grace!  Other books were more difficult. Finally, I told Jake and Emma Grace to choose books they felt connected to...and surprisingly they didn't pull many off the shelf.  I hope it means that I chose wisely the first time. The rest of the books were boxed up and placed in the garage for us to deal with later.

Then I began going through our files.  Easy. Clear cut. But then I pulled out 3 white binders and a folder filled with all of Scottie’s medical reports, evaluations, and every single piece of paperwork we kept from her public school journey.  I began looking through the thousands of pieces of paper. All of those hours sitting in meetings. I reread a few of the emails between her last public school teacher and me, and I began to feel all of those same feelings.  Anger. Disappointment. Sadness. Hopelessness. Courage. Love. The need for justice. I could not throw away the documents. I couldn’t even move them to another spot. They just sat there on the table, and I walked away.  Me. The queen of throwing away items that are not needed. I couldn’t do it because of the emotions. Not the happy emotions, but rather the hard emotions that were all-consuming for over a year. I did NOT want or need one single document, but I could NOT sit in those feelings.  I was surprised with my purge paralysis. I texted a friend and tried to process it. I told Scott. I told him he had to throw them away for me, but he didn’t take action as quickly as I would. So I marched over to the stack, picked them up and threw them away. No regrets. No fanfare.  No crying. And I felt zero regret...only relief. Relief that it was gone. Relief that because of that experience when Scottie was 9, we made the decision to pull her out of public school. Thankfulness because I was able spend a year a half homeschooling her, which was such a sweet time for us.  Gratitude for her transition to Next Step Academy and her sweet time there. The ending represented by those notebooks marked a beginning. Throwing away the notebooks did not alter the experience, but it simply forced an opportunity to revisit it.

Purging and packing has been harder than I thought it would be - for me.  Choosing what to take and what to leave behind keeps me in past and future mindset.  I have not been present. I need to be present. I don’t want to regret not being present.

Packing represents the end and a beginning.  The end of here and beginning of there. Yet, the two children I am leaving here become a part of my there, as viewed from the DR.  “See ya laters” here means that I will say hello to my friends there. The sadness over the leaving is mixed in with the excitement of arriving.  A paradox of feelings. No happy wrap up thought. I know, “it’s fine” and “it will be fine”. But today, I am sitting in the paradox of an end and a beginning.

Packing: An End and a Beginning

It’s Fine (3/21/2019)

It’s fine.

A phrase that I say all of the time now. It carries so much meaning for me, yet it seems overly simple and impossibly incorrect. How on earth can everything be fine all of the time?

“It’s fine. I’m fine.” is a phrase that Scottie uses all of the time. Interestingly, her school is working to change this go-to phrase because when she says it, she isn’t really expressing how she feels. After much reflection, Scott and I realized that in our attempts to soothe Scottie for 15 years, we would often tell her, “It’s ok. It’s fine. You’re fine.” But, guess what? She wasn’t fine. She uses this phrase as an escape from figuring out how she feels and how to express those feelings to someone else. What a parenting fail! It is just another example of how we did what we knew and now that we know better, we will do better. So how on earth has it become my mantra. My phrase.

While in the Dominican Republic this past November, I sat around a table with my friend Jacque and Scott. Jacque was in the DR with the purpose of finding an apartment, looking for a car, and figuring out everything she needed to get before moving to the DR to be a missionary. I sat with Jacque and we began making to-do lists. Asking questions. Creating bring-with-you lists. The lists were growing. The information was pouring in and it could have been so overwhelming. But, I just kept telling Jacque that “It’s fine. It’ll be fine.” And for me, these words were not meant to just cover up feelings or fears, but rather I meant exactly what I said.

Here is what I know. When life is chaotic and overwhelming, I have two choices. I can freak out, become controlling, and drown in the overwhelming fears of the unknown. OR I can choose to believe that God has a plan and everything will in fact be fine. During that week, I chose to do the second thing, which is quite contrary to my Enneagram 1, type A personality. I wanted my friend Jacque to understand that it would all be fine. All of the to-dos would be accomplished. All of the unknowns would become known.

This mantra ,“It’s fine”, provided me with great peace and confidence. At the end of that week, Scott and I walked to buy a Coke (because they give you life in the DR on a hot day), and I told him that I believed that it was time for us to move to the DR. To say Scott was expecting it is an understatement, because I had been telling him for months that I would go if he wanted to, but I just didn’t want to leave our oldest kids and life here in the States. I dug in my heels because I desired to maintain complete control. (OK. I realized I have never been in control, but it is easier to fake it living in Texas.) I discovered that week that I will be ok. Scottie and Zoey will be ok in the DR. Jake and Emma Grace will be ok here. In fact, not only will we be ok, but I believe that by taking this huge leap of faith, we will grow in our relationship with God, within community, in our marriage, as a family, and in our ability to serve and love others.

I am believing that “It’s fine” because I am believing the words of St. Patrick in a whole new way…

“Christ with me,

Christ before me,

Christ behind me,

Christ in me,

Christ beneath me,

Christ above me,

Christ on my right,

Christ on my left,

Christ when I lie down,

Christ when I sit down,

Christ when I arise,

Christ in the heart of every man who thinks of me,

Christ in the mouth of everyone who speaks of me,

Christ in every eye that sees me,

Christ in every ear that hears me.”

by Saint Patrick

So when you hear me say “It’s fine”, it is because I truly believe it will be fine. As I embark on this journey, I choose to believe what Saint Patrick said. I am not covering up feelings or ignoring a reality. I actually believe those two little words. Everything is fine….how can it not be?

It’s fine

Send Us (11/16/2017)

Send us.  

When Scottie was about 18 months old, Scott and I told God that He could send us.  We were willing to go where He led, yet we remained put.  The mission organization we applied with didn't think it was a wise decision with Scottie, because we were still trying to figure out why she had  developmental delays.  So we stayed put.

When Scottie was about 3 years old, we tried again.  We just couldn't shake the feeling that we were suppose to surrender our family and go.  And again, we were told "not now".  How incredibly disappointing and confusing to surrender and say, "Send Us", just to be told no.  So we stayed put. 

Because of that willingness to go, we began to live differently.  No longer were we concerned with attaining more stuff or thinking that we were entitled to the things of this world.  We no longer held onto possessions.  I would throw, donate or give away anything and everything.  My sweet, young Emma Grace started attaching post-it notes to art and school work that she did NOT want me to throw away.  God did not send us in 2005 or 2007, but our hearts began to change and think about the world. 

And now here we are, and Scottie is 13 years old and we sense a movement.  Scott came home from his first visit to Makarios, a school in the Dominican Republic, and mentioned that he could see our family in the DR.  This past July we were in the DR with Jacob and Emma Grace, and I would tell anyone within earshot that I could see us there ONE day but not now.  Why?  Because the idea of dropping my 18 year old son at college and then only seeing him once or twice a year was not something that I could wrap my head around.  So no way.  Not now.  Sorry God, but I think I will keep my fists tightly closed with my son in them and not go.

But then I returned to the DR in October.  I spent time at Makarios again.  I shared meals with the amazing staff.  I laughed with the young teachers.  Margaret, an American missionary, shared trade secrets on how to get flights back to the states for less.  She encouraged and spoke truth in areas where I needed to hear it.  Slowly my hands began to open.  

So once again, I sit before my all-knowing God and offer to go.  He may not send us now...maybe ever.  I think the lesson for me is not about whether we go or stay, but am I willing to surrender my plans, my family, my control over to Him?  Am I willing to go?  Am I willing to place my Jacob in His hands and know that He will work all things out for my good, but also for the good of my sweet Jacob?  Am I willing to do hard things and leave air conditioning behind?  Am I willing to miss out on the things here?

With hands open, I release all of it to God because the plan He has is so much more beautiful and amazing than I could ever dream.  Perhaps it isn't about whether we go or stay, but it is really about the posture of my heart.  Is my heart open and willing to go when I profess to speak the words "Send Us".  No longer a question mark at the end but a period.

We have about 6 weeks left to raise support for Scott's new position at Makarios.  His position allows us to stay here...for now.  He will develop relationships with current partners and create new partnerships.  His job is talk about a school and a country we love.  It is the perfect job that encompasses all of his work experience - education and ministry.  We have no plans to leave for the DR...yet.  We know there is work to be done here first.  But the posture of my heart has changed, and when God says GO, we will go.

Send Us.