Parenting Young Adult Children
Finding ourselves straddling two parenting worlds (parenting two children still in our home and parenting two college-age, adult children), we are constantly pausing and course-correcting how we are choosing to parent the “Bigs”.
We were fully aware when we dropped our son Jacob off at college the first time that we were entering a new season of parenting. While our friends wept and mourned the “loss” of their child, Scott and I celebrated. Sure we knew we would miss Jacob. We worried about how his absence would impact his relationship with his three sisters. We questioned ourselves: Did we give him enough tools to navigate adult life? Will he make good choices? Will he make friends? Will he eat? But mostly, we celebrated. We launched one of the four kiddos and that felt like an accomplishment!
Two years later, we released our daughter, Emma Grace, into the adult world. But this time was different. Hubs, Littles, and I moved to the Dominican Republic before Emma Grace began her freshmen year of college. We were not the ones who attended her freshmen orientation, moved her into her dorm, visited her on campus, or comforted her after her first car accident. (So very thankful for her Aunt Christi and Uncle Jason!) In all honesty, I never stepped foot on her campus. I did weep. I mourned her release. I asked myself the same questions: Did we give her enough tools to navigate adult life? Will she make good choices? Will she make friends? Will she eat? I didn’t weep about her transition because she was less prepared or because I love her more than Jacob. I celebrated this transition with her because she was so excited. It was time for her to discover her identity apart from being a daughter and sister. I wept because I wasn’t the one physically releasing her.
Jacob has been adulting for almost 4 years and Emma Grace for almost 2 years. At the same time, we are parenting our Littles. Making choices for Littles: where they go, what they eat, how they spend their days, actively parenting them through hard things, guiding them when they need discipline and navigating life. But how we are parenting Jacob and Emma Grace is different. There has been a pivot in our perspective and approach. (Full disclosure: We do not do this perfectly. We frequently end a convo and think “oh we should have done that differently!”) There are three things that we are intentionally trying to do in this season of parenting young adults.
Mentoring (pivot from coaching/parenting)
When the Bigs became teenagers, we intentionally began coaching them rather than direct, traditional parenting. We wanted to be on the sidelines sharing experiences, offering advice, creating rhythms and boundaries, and discipling when they stepped out of line. Whereas coaching still happens with the Bigs, we are transitioning to mentoring. Walking side by side. Listening. Still offering advice. The primary difference between coaching and mentoring is for us to realize that we no longer have the authority to make their decisions. As a mentor, we are still coaching but at the end of the day, they have to make the decision for themselves. They may not make the same decision we would and that’s ok. That’s part of learning. Adulting. Maturing. And what a privilege it is to watch that process!
One example of mentoring the Bigs rather than traditional parenting is how we walked alongside Jacob as he chose what his major would be and which college to attend. Jake originally headed to Texas A&M and was convinced he would major in accounting. Scott and I asked Jake many questions because, quite frankly, accounting is the last thing we could imagine Jake doing. Our boy is creative. He writes. He loves movies. He made his first film in Kindergarten. Fairly quickly, he realized that business was not creative enough for him, so he transferred to the University of Houston changing his major to a slightly more creative major. After a semester, he told us that he wanted to take a year off from school and figure out what he actually wanted to do. He no longer wanted to waste time and money on something that just doesn’t fit. As his parents, we offered advice and insight. “Do you want to chase your dream and do something creative?” He spent that year working, paying off some student loans, reflecting, and researching which universities would best provide him with the skills and education to chase his dreams. We listened. We prayed. We played the “what if” scenario game. In the end, he landed on Savannah College of Art and Design in Georgia. Listen, it is not only in a state where he knows NO ONE, but it is also stinking expensive. As his parents, we are imagining the college debt that awaits him. We worried about his lack of a local support system. However, we allowed him to decide. It is his future - not ours! Could we have reduced some of the major and university changes - maybe? The truth is Jacob made the first decision because he was trying to make a practical, safe decision. But that decision wasn’t really what he wanted for his career. It just wasn’t. Today, he loves what he is studying. He has created a community of like-minded, creative people. He is chasing his dream. Yes, he is acquiring student debt, but he has a plan. He isn’t hiding his head in the sand and falsely believing he will make millions as soon as he graduates. He weighed the costs and his dream, and he chose his dream. Had we continued to traditionally parent him, we could have badgered or guilted him into doing what we wanted. We could have told him no. Because we told him the choice was his and to chase his dreams, he has invited us into his processing space. He runs his ideas and plans by us. He seeks our advice. For us, transitioning to mentoring has given us such an opportunity to continue to speak truth AND to actively participate in the process.
Engaging with Thought (even if they are different than ours)
Wanting our children to have their own thoughts about politics, religion, and creative arts meant that we had to provide space for asking questions, forming opinions, and learning to verbalize what they believe and why. We began to intentionally ask them lots of questions when they were around middle school age. On our car rides to and from school, it was common for me to ask a ton of questions like “What do you think about capital punishment? Why do you think that? Is there a moral conflict for you? What does the Bible say about it?” And there were many times when we did NOT agree with their thoughts and opinions. We always shared why we thought what we thought. We challenged them to think. We pushed them to filter their opinions through their religious beliefs. Our end goal was for them to have their own political beliefs. To own their own faith. We did NOT want them to simply spout what they heard us say without doing the work.
We released our Bigs in 2017 and 2019, and they left our home and knew how to think for themselves. The year 2020 brought so many BIG things to the forefront. Racism. Political division. Religious contradictions. Extended family conflict over issues. Pandemic and the handling of it. Elections. We discovered in 2020 two things about our Bigs. 1) They are wildly passionate about what they believe. They genuinely think about the good of others and have formed many of their opinions based on what serves and loves others well and not just benefits their privilege. They made public declarations. They debated adults with intellect and respect. They protested proudly when they knew they needed to stand with the oppressed. They called their representatives. They watched the presidential debates. They voted. They are brave, courageous, vocal activists and advocates. Scott and I say all the time that we didn’t have their awareness, perspective, experience or passion when we were 19 and 21. We just didn’t They are freaking awesome. 2) They engage us and allow us to engage them. They send messages asking us what we think. Ask our opinions. Listen to our perspectives. Debate with us. Challenge us. Take into consideration our experiences. We do not all agree. Bigs and I know that Scott has a more conservative, traditional stance on things. But, we are able to take in and process his opinions because we know his heart. He has three people shaking their fists at the system and our points of view provide him with another way to look at an issue. At the end of the day, we know it is safe to disagree. We allow our differing opinions to sharpen, refine, and mold ourselves into who we are meant to be. We laid the ground work when they were teenagers, and now we are reaping the benefits.
Holding Accountable (without Demanding)
When the Bigs were younger and they questioned our rules, boundaries, and discipline, our standard line was “God has entrusted us with you. Everything we do is because we want you to be responsible, kind, and to love Jesus.” At the end of the day, we will be held responsible for how we parent our children. Of course, they have freewill and they will make their own choices. But, we always tried to keep the main thing the main thing. It was easier to hold our kiddos accountable when they were younger. We built in so many rewards and consequences for the choices they made. We parented our children with purpose and for a purpose.
Then the Bigs become adults and their choices and decisions are bigger and will impact their lives in monumental ways. Most of these choices/decisions have to be ones they make. No longer are we forcing choices, but we listen, offer our opinions, and then we have to give them space to decide. When they are dragging their feet and not moving forward, we follow up. We ask questions. We give advice. We put it back on them to decide. Emma Grace says all the time that she rarely makes a big decision without first asking her Daddy what he thinks. She asks NOT because we require it of her, but rather she asks because we have intentionally transitioned to offering advice without demanding they become us. Making our decisions. Choosing our preferences.
One way we hold our Bigs accountable is by making them take care of things on their own. If they aren’t sure how to do something, they ask and we walk them through it. Need to open a savings account? Do your research and open one. Need to get your tire repaired? Get in your car and go and Dad will tell you what to expect and how to handle the conversation. Want to change schools? Do your research, ask questions, and apply. Want to quit one job before you have another? We give our opinion, but then we let you decide because sometimes you learn best when you feel the burden of needing money for food and gas.
Holding Bigs accountable for their poor choices. Praising them for their amazing choices. Walking alongside without doing everything. Listening. Speaking truth. Stepping back and waiting to be there when it doesn’t work out well. Holding Bigs accountable is often about giving them freedom but making sure communication is open so we are able to continue to mentor them.
Parenting young adult children may be one of my favorite stages in parenting. Jake and Emma Grace are interesting, wise, creative, deep thinkers. They have opinions, ask questions, and challenge us. They are RESPONSIBLE (mostly), KIND, and LOVE JESUS.
I remember when I was deep into the babies and toddlers stage and thinking that I never EVER wanted them to grow up. Well-meaning mommas told me to cherish each moment because it goes so fast. They talked about how the teenager stage was terrible and then off they go. Thirty year old Amy believed that our best parenting years were slipping away, but the truth is I have ENJOYED every stage. Instead of wanting to rush past one stage believing there is an easier one right around the corner, be present. Instead of dreading the end of one stage for the next, be present. Each stage should be preparing both your child and you for the stage of parenting adults. Each stage should consist of intentional, purposeful parenting actions. Keeping the end product in mind (responsible, kind, Jesus loving human beings), we parent our young adults with purpose and excitement. Our adult children are responsible for their actions and choices, but the truth is - we are responsible for our actions and choices too. I cannot control them, but I can control my actions - it starts with me.
Answers. Finally.
Email Subject Line: We have found a genetic cause of Cate’s autism.
Scottie was about 6 months old when we began to think that something was off. She was developing differently than the first two…slower. We began asking questions and seeking answers - pediatrician appointments, neurology waitlist, developmental pediatrician waitlist, Early Childhood Intervention assessments, researching online, and seeking books. Tests were run. Evaluations completed. For 9 years we were told that she had Expressive/Receptive Language Disorder, Intellectual Disability (although the actual IQ number continues to be up for debate), and a label of encephalopathy. Something is different, global delays exist, but there seems to be NO real medical/genetic reason.
We held onto our Scottie mantra: Accept reality but hope for the best.
As parents, we wanted a reason. Believing a reason would help us to understand the why and provide us with ways to help her. We desired a reason and a clear understanding of her differences so that we could find other people who were experiencing the same thing as us. We wanted guidance. I wanted to walk into the bookstore and find a story about another child just like Scottie.
At age nine, a psychologist (finally) diagnosed her with PDD-NOS, which means she landed on the Autism Spectrum. We now had a concrete diagnosis and it was one that we understood. The numbers of those diagnosed with autism were increasing, which meant resources were beginning to become readily available. Sitting on the floor at a bookstore, I flipped through several books about autism - explanations, therapies, treatments, and stories of those who were raising children on the spectrum. I saw glimpses of our Scottie, but there was not one book or story that truly represented Scottie.
When Scottie was 14, we went to see a new neurologist. Her OCD and anxiety were beginning to impact her life and the lives of those who lived with her. Help us Jesus! During that visit, we were describing all of the different parts of Scottie. At one point the doctor looked at us and said that we need to put aside her autism diagnosis for a moment and look at the other parts because it is entirely possible that there are other underlying issues. MRI and more genetic testing and guess what? Nothing. Everything comes back “normal.” No answers.
Someone told Scott about a research foundation that was actively seeking participants. The child on the spectrum, both parents, and a sibling needed to submit a sample for genetic testing. They were looking for commonalities among those on the spectrum. Was there a genetic component? Gathering data. We submitted our samples knowing that at the end of the day, they would tell us if something was found and if there were any medical trials for her. We had nothing to lose.
Over a year and half later, Scott receives an email. The subject line was a little shocking. They found something.
Scottie has a mutation of one gene - CHD2. Very little is known about those with this same mutation. There are only 32 people identified - 32 in the entire world! The first reported case was in 2012 - 8 years ago! Many of those with this same mutation are on the spectrum, have intellectual disability, and some have seizures (Scottie does not). It is not hereditary; we are not carriers.
16 years of wanting an answer and we now have it. Relief. Peace. Knowing. Hope for more information to come. Awe in the advances in science. There were no answers when she was 12 months old, 3 years old, or when she was 9 because they did not know about this gene mutation.
Our girl is literally almost one of a kind.
A few weeks ago, I stood with a small group of friends and I shared what we learned. They listened to me, but when I got back into my car to go home, I realized they have no idea how long we have waited and wanted an answer. They don’t know because they were not part of that early story. Answers for us and the feelings those answers produce in us are not universal feelings. These answers are part of Scottie’s story and our family’s story. These answers are personal to us and even if others don’t fully understand, it is fine. It really is fine because it is not about them. It is all about Scottie.
I wonder how many of us pray and pray for an answer. We wait so long and when the answers finally come we look around and realize that this prayer was the pleading of our own hearts and not the same for those who know us. The desire for answers is about our relationship with Jesus. Trusting God to provide. Trusting God to sustain. Trusting God’s sovereignty. Trusting God’s faithfulness. Trusting God’s love for our child, our family. The wait produced trust in us. Whether others truly understand the relief we feel when God gives us answers is really not the point. The point is that we are able to look back and see God’s hand on all of it.
Answers. We have an answer. We wait with anticipation as we discover more and more about our Scottie. We are just so thankful to have an answer. Placing Scottie in God’s hands and trusting Him with all of her and praising the Creator who made her exactly who she is and the ways in which our lives are positively impacted because of her life. Answers. We have an answer.
State of Our Family
evaluating
reflecting
dreaming
planning
preparing
transitioning
Purposely transitioning from one season to the next can positively impact the new season you are entering.
Seasons mean many different things:
A new calendar year
A new school year
A move
A job change
A baby or two or three
A new season of life - single to married. No children to children. Active parenting to empty nester
A new or renewed dream
When we know a new season is on the horizon, the way in which we transition from the season we are in to the one that is coming can be done with intention. I am a firm believer that although we cannot plan for everything (because God is ultimately in control), the more we reflect and assess what has been and cast a vision for what could be, we increase the odds for real change. I am absolutely giddy when I know a transition is coming because this girl is all about celebrating the successes and planning for something better.
For many years, Scott and I have taken the time to fully evaluate the year we are leaving and plan for the year that is coming. The 6 weeks leading to New Year’s is a great opportunity to set aside the time. We typically discuss all of the big areas of our lives - job, finances, marriage, family, spiritual and physical well-being, and habits/daily rhythms. One of the best decisions we made was to walk our children through this process of self-evaluation and goal setting. Including every member of the family, we provided opportunities to cheer for one another in our victories and encourage positive change.
Often times the most difficult part of the evaluating and planning process is not knowing where to begin. I took what we have done in the past and created a State of Our Family guide to help in the process.
Healthy marriages and families are some of the things we are most passionate about and it is attainable. Very few people wake up with healthy, thriving marriages and families after putting in zero effort. What you desire requires action and commitment. Taking a step towards thriving and not just surviving starts with each person making the choice. It starts with me. And, it starts with you. Are you ready to get started?
To receive your FREE State of Our Family guide, click HERE.
Meeting. Pow Wow. Rendezvous.
A nagging wife. No one wants to be a nagging wife. Yet there comes a day when we look into the mirror and hear our words and realize that what we have become is in fact - a nagging wife. We take a deep breath, apologize silently (because to admit it to the Hubs might result in something not being checked off the to-do list), and vow to do better. To be better. To nag less.
The mental list of all the things we are responsible for in our homes, with our families, and at work continues to run through our head. The burden rests on our shoulders and we sacrifice our time, resources, and energy for the greater good - our family. But then we begin to note all of the ways the Hubs isn’t doing his part. Why for the love can he NOT pick up his shoes, empty the bathroom trash, or read my mind? How can he walk past the piece of trash and not feel the same compulsion to pick it up and dispose of it? Who raised this man? And slowly, so slowly, the nagging begins again. It starts off innocently. We make a simple request - can you please take out the trash? Five minutes go by and no one has moved and the trash remains. So we ask again. And again. Marching to the kitchen we remove the trash and stomp to the door as we take care of it. The doors slam a little louder than normal and our lips form that tight line and though no words leave our mouths the message is clear. Days go by. Days of increasing nagging about the little things and the big things and as we pass the mirror we see her again - the nagging wife.
I am not a fan. She is my least favorite version of me. I want to shrink her and place her into a little box with a lid and banish her from the home. She changes the mood within the walls of our house as she shouts orders and delegates the various items on the to-do list. Things are happening, but the people she loves are avoiding her, hiding from her, and she begins to feel alone. Because she feels like she is doing it all, she begins to feel disconnected from Hubs.
No one likes the nagging wife. The wife isn’t fond of her. The Hubs isn’t a fan. And the kids are just a tad afraid of her.
As any good Christian wife does, I look to see what scripture says about a nagging wife. Naturally King Solomon had plenty to say about nagging wives - rumor has it the wise king had 700 wives and 300 concubines. (I stand by my opinion that he was a glutton for punishment - who in their right mind would choose to deal with a thousand jealous women!) I think he probably knows something about nagging wives!
“Better to live in a wilderness than with a nagging and hot-tempered wife.” Proverbs 21:19
“An endless dripping on a rainy day and a nagging wife are alike” Proverbs 27:15
“Better to live on the corner of a roof than to share a house with a nagging wife.” Proverbs 25:24
Ugh. Okay, I get it. Nothing is more annoying, frustrating, or irritating than a nagging wife. According to King Solomon it is better to live in the wilderness, listen to the neverending drip drip drip on your roof, or to park yourself on the corner of your roof than to live with a nagging wife. I mean, he really had some BIG feelings about the nagging! (And it is physically impossible to be in the wilderness on the corner of a roof and hear the drip drip drip above you!)
So, now what? What clever tool can we package, sell, and use that will end the nagging forever?
Three Steps to Banishing the Nagging Wife
Five Steps to Rid Yourself of the Nag
Four Easy Ways to Never Nag the Hubs Again
Searching for the easy solution and a clear multi-step program, the truth became so very clear. There is no easy solution. I cannot complete five steps and never find myself falling into the same behavior patterns.
I have yet to discover the secret to ridding the world of the nagging wife. But I have come to realize that one of biggest reasons I find myself nagging is because I revert to it when I try to communicate all of the to-dos, feelings, requests, etc. as they pop up. If I am constantly asking for something to be done or sharing my thoughts and feelings (nice way of saying “providing constructive criticism that may or may not feel like a personal critique”), Hubs will always feel like I am nagging. Years ago, a friend suggested that Hubs and I try having a weekly meeting. These weekly meetings positively impacted our marriage and helped me to keep the nag in check.
Meeting. Marriage shouldn’t feel like a business meeting. Hmmm… maybe we can call it a pow-wow. Except we are grown ass adults and pow-wow sounds like something 8 year old boys from the 70’s would say. Rendezvous. Now that sounds sexy. A weekly marriage rendezvous will get his attention for sure.
At this rendezvous, we will discuss all things home, marriage and life.
budget
kids
schedules
in-laws
work
around the house
vacation
miscommunication
misunderstanding
our dreams
errands
all the things
During the week, I save up ALL the things that I want to say. (Point of clarification - some things canNOT wait until the weekly meeting and have to be taken care of immediately. So obviously talk about it. But if it can wait, then you should wait.) I have utilized an on-going list on the notes app on my phone. (Hello - phone is always with me so I can add it to the list immediately!) Squeaky door - put it on the list. Need to make plans for Christmas with the in-laws - put it on the list. Need to discuss the budget - put it on the list. Teenage son is acting crazy and you need a game plan - put it on the list. Feeling overwhelmed and want Hubs to be home in time to help with dinner - put it on the list. Wives you aren’t the only ones putting items on the list. Hubs is doing the same thing, after all, we have an equal opportunity marriage.
On your calendar, you have penciled in your weekly marriage rendezvous. (Do not count the weekly meeting as a date. It is a business meeting and you don’t want to cheat yourself of leisurely dinners or a movie without children.) Meet for lunch. Tell the kids to watch a movie and sit on the back patio. Put the kiddos to bed and sit in your family room. Arrive to the rendezvous with your lists and calendar; each of you are prepared for your rendezvous knowing that you are there to work through the litany of to-dos, issues, and feelings that bubble up while you do life together. You agree to listen and work through the lists with the desired outcome to be a healthy, more connected, nag-free marriage. If there are items on the list that need more time to work though, then agree to table that item and come back to it the following week.
The irritations don’t magically go away. Hubs won’t gain the superpower of reading your mind. (For 27 years, I have exerted a lot of energy thinking and willing Scott to read my mind. Every attempt has failed. I continue to try because I just cannot admit defeat.) All the things that you have to do to make your family work - to make your home work - don’t cease to exist. Moments of frustrations or feelings of martyrdom will still arise, but the difference is now the Hubs and you have a rendezvous scheduled to talk and work through all of those things.
A marriage rendezvous may not be the cure-all we all desperately seek, but it is one tool you can utilize to learn to communicate more effectively. The first few pow-wows may not go smoothly and Hubs may or may not bring his talking points, but make the commitment. Commit to try a weekly rendezvous for 6 weeks. Write it in a bold color and underline it in your calendar. Create your list. Be kind to one another. Be honest with what you need and how you feel. During the day when you feel the nagging wife trying to pry the lid off the box because she wants to come out and play, grab your phone or journal and write the nagging thing down. Give Hubs and the entire family a break from the nagging and after six weeks, assess the mood in your home. How is the communication and connection between you and Hubs? Has he checked a few things off of the to-do list? Did he make a dinner? Are you happier because you no longer feel like the martyr driving a stake through your blessed little heart of happiness?
As I write this, the vitameatavegamin commercial from I Love Lucy keeps running through my head. If I could just rewrite it:
“Hello, friends, I’m your Marriage Rendezvous girl! Are you tired, rundown, listless? Do you pop off at home? Are you nagging? The answer to all your problems is in this little meeting, Marriage Rendezvous. Marriage Rendezvous contains lists, feelings, communication, and calendars. Yes, with a Marriage Rendezvous, you can communicate your way to a nag-free marriage.”
Oh how I wish I could just bottle up a magic potion to help us from becoming a nagging wife.
A nagging wife. No one wants to be her. No one likes her. A nagging wife we can choose to not be… but that choice always starts with me.
Future-Former-Nagging-Wife - I have a gift for you! I created a simple tool to help you categorize and capture some of the most common talking points for your marriage rendezvous. If you would like to utilize this tool, simply follow the link below.
Just a Moment
respite (Merriam Webster)
a period of temporary delay
an interval of rest or relief
Just a moment to breathe.
Just a moment to be.
Just a moment to nap.
Just a moment to sit by the pool without watching children.
Just a moment to enjoy a meal with Hubs.
Just a moment to relax.
Just a moment to unwind.
Just a moment to read. Watch a movie.
Just a moment to talk with Hubs.
Just a moment to slowly drink coffee.
Just a moment to not work.
Just a moment to not talk a child through a shower.
Just a moment to not hear “mom”.
Just a moment where no one knows me.
Just a moment with no expectations.
Just a moment to sleep in.
Just a moment to walk on the beach.
Just a moment to dream.
Just a moment to write.
Just a moment to not do laundry.
Just a moment to not feed kids.
Just a moment to not wash dishes.
Just a moment to be.
Just a moment to breathe.
In over 21 years of being mom and 16 years of being momma to a child with special needs, I have never felt this overwhelming need to escape for just a moment. The talk of respite care pops up in Facebook groups, books, and on lists of services for families with special needs children. Intellectually I understand the purpose and need. But to get this momma, who prides herself on being able to do it all, to take advantage of it, now that will take much more than intellectual understanding. I had to feel exhausted - mentally and emotionally. I finally came to a place where I cried UNCLE and asked for help. (Yes, I fully realize this is a pride issue!) I messaged my sweet friend, Jacque, and asked her if she would watch the girls for a night. She immediately said yes. Honestly, I would have ignored the yes because there was just a little regret that I even asked. To inconvenience someone. Admitting weakness. Dealing with the preparation to get Scottie ready. But my friend messaged me to see if we were going for the weekend. Because she pursued the request and insisted on two nights, I had the incredible gift of having just a moment.
Momma of a special needs child/foster momma/adoptive momma/momma caring for an elderly family member - Ask for help. Respite is not a frivolous luxury, but it is an actually need. Take a moment. You need a break but your child needs a break from you too! If you feel selfish, so be it. My guess is you aren’t selfish very often. In fact, I feel as though I really know you, and you could stand to be just a little more selfish. Breathe more. Spend time with Hubs or friends. Just take a moment!
Friends/Family of the above mommas - When they ask for help, give it to them. No guilt. Be excited for them and make it exciting for the child. If the momma doesn’t ask for help, don’t assume it is because she doesn’t need it. She doesn’t want to be a burden. She doesn’t want you to judge her child or parenting. She worries every moment her children is away from her and sometimes it is easier to just not leave them. Be persistent. Pursue her. Besides helping out momma, I promise you will be BLESSED beyond measure for the time you spend with her child.
Just a moment to be still is a moment that gives you hours of patience, energy, and strength. So thankful that we took our moment, and I am committed to asking for more moments for Hubs and me.
I quit.
A note from a momma of a teenage daughter on the spectrum.
I quit.
Scottie is moody.
Doesn’t express her feelings and thoughts very well.
She stomps her feet.
Throws a fit.
Rolls her eyes.
Doesn’t obey.
She is demanding.
Get my breakfast.
Get me a drink.
Take me for a ride.
Don’t touch that pillow.
Stop talking.
You are too loud.
Oh the list just goes on and on.
She selfishly wants 3 meals a day plus snacks. Ridiculous!
She wants a to-do list for the day placed on the counter every single morning, so she can cross items off.
She incessantly invites me to help her complete a puzzle. EVERY SINGLE DAY!
She is irate when we move a couch pillow or place the remote control in a different spot.
She argues with her little sister.
She lurks nearby when I am on my phone because she wants to use my phone. Standing there, fidgeting, looking at me and the phone until I cave and hand it to her. - anything to make the lurking end.
She hovers near dad when he gets home waiting for her ride around the neighborhood, the quick stop at the colmado to get her juice, and daily visit to the puppies. He just wants to sit down for 10 minutes, yet she impatiently hovers.
Her table manners have become worse. Horrendous. Why can you not eat with your mouth close?
I am at her beck and call. 24/7. Just a whole lot of Scottie.
Today, it seems to be too much. I quit.
Today, I need a break. I quit.
Today, I am 100% sure that I am not equipped to do this job. I quit.
Today, I feel selfish. I quit
Today, I am tired of the noise. I quit.
But tomorrow, I will wake up and begin again. I will un-quit. I will try again and remember that she is a teenager with extra challenges. The eye rolling is an age appropriate response, so we should celebrate! She is doing the best she can, and I am also doing the best I can. I will give her grace as she struggles with her OCD and anxiety. I will extend grace to her little sister, her dad, and me. And if by some chance I end the day quitting, it is fine because the next day is a new day for un-quitting.
mothers and daughters
When Emma Grace was a baby, I felt this overwhelming sense of responsibility and privilege because I knew that I had an opportunity to be the primary model of a godly woman to her. If I didn’t accept this opportunity and make intentional choices to be that for her, then she would find it in someone else. Look, I will be honest - I am a jealous momma. I want to be the first person she thinks of when she thinks about a godly woman. I also want her to be surrounded by other godly women, but my goodness, I want to be front and center!
As my sweet baby girl became a toddler, young girl, tween, teenager, and young adult, I realized that mother/daughter relationships can be tricky, but they also can be so very amazing. The conversations I have with Emma Grace are some of my favorite conversations. When she seeks my advice, I view it as an opportunity to speak truth and encourage her. When she hurts, I hurt. When she is anxious, I am anxious. When I see her struggling, I want to jump in to solve all of the problems but often choose not to because the struggles create room for growth.
Emma Grace will be 19 years old in a few days. She is about to complete her first semester of college. She is intelligent, intuitive, compassionate, witty, and so beautiful. I asked her if she would contribute to this week’s blog and to my delight - she said YES! I cannot think of anyone better to share a daughter’s perspective than my daughter.
What did you need most from our mother/daughter relationship when you were a little girl (before middle school age)?
Emma Grace: I think I needed someone who would help build confidence. I feel like I had a lot of confidence as a kid, but not as much when I got older. I really think I needed to have someone constantly trying to instill confidence in me.
What did you need most from our mother/daughter relationship from middle school - high school?
Emma Grace: Someone to support me through my anxiety or any dumb high school drama. I definitely needed there to be times where you didn’t give advice, but just kind of nodded your head and listened. But I learned that’s not you, so I just kind of dealt with it and knew if I wanted to share something, it needed to be something I would want you opinions on.
What do you need most from our mother/daughter relationship as a young adult?
Emma Grace: A cheerleader. Someone to support what I’m doing. I’m definitely going to make mistakes and do dumb things, but I need someone to support me through all that. Someone who’s gonna continue to love me through all that crap and someone that I feel like I can go to when I regret dumb things.
When you think of our relationship ten years from now, what do you anticipate needing and wanting?
Emma Grace: Someone to live in a house in my backyard and raise my children, cause I ain’t gonna do it.
What do you wish I had understood about you as you were growing up?
Emma Grace: I wish you had a better understanding of my anxiety and depression. But I think it might have been my fault too, I definitely hid that stuff from you guys. But it felt like in the beginning this huge heavy weight and I felt like I couldn’t talk about it because it would be seen as me overreacting.
What do you think I got right (come on there has to be something)?
Emma Grace: I mean I think if Jake and I both didn’t drink or smoke in high school you must’ve done something right. You weren’t strict, but it wasn’t like we could do whatever the hell we wanted. And I was thinking the other day about family dinners and how rare that is, but we had dinner together basically every night. And I mean not being on my a** about grades was good for me. I never really failed anything, but I never felt like my grades would determine my value or disappoint anyone. And that’s why GT programs suck, but you can save that for another blog.
What advice would give a mom raising a daughter?
Emma Grace: Don’t push your insecurities or fears onto her. Not that you did that, but I know a lot of girls who feel such pressure from their moms to be better than they were, or to be something that they’re not. And it’s bs. Just let your kid be themself and don’t push your crap onto them. And don’t expect your child to be something they are not. Don’t force them to fit your dream child ideal. You had THAT kid for a reason, so don’t force them to change to make you happy.
What would you tell a daughter about the importance of a strong mother/daughter relationship?
Emma Grace: Just talk to your mom. They like it. They like knowing things about you and want to be involved. So let them. But with that also, moms don’t force them to open up. They will. Daughters need to understand that their mom is always gonna want to give advice and tell you what to do cause they've been there, so just shut up and listen to them. You don’t know anything.
As I read through Emma Grace’s responses, I am reminded that what my daughters need and want most from me is to be a gentle place to share their hearts. The truth is, if I had been a better listener (and controlled my need to help by giving my opinions), Emma Grace would have come to me more. I would have had more opportunities to share truth. My daughters need to feel safe, loved, and encouraged when they are with me. As my daughters become older, I have to earn the right to share my opinions. It is no longer a given because they won’t always be in our home. I continue to speak truth to Emma Grace, but the way in which I deliver the truth may need to change.
Mommas - Your daughters need you. All of you. They need you to share your insecurities, so they don’t feel alone. They need you to stand up and cheer for them, so they know someone believes in them. They need you to believe in them, so they can believe in themselves. They need you to nurture their gifts and talents, so they flourish and become exactly who they were created to be. They need you to speak words of truth over them, so they are reminded over and over who they are and whose they are. They need you to be a safe, gentle place to land, so they will continue to seek your advice and share their hearts. Don’t give up on them.
Daughters - Your mommas are doing the best they know. When they know better, they will do better. Believe the best about their intentions and continue to come to them. With a kind tone and a vulnerable heart, go to your mom and share with her what you need from her. Remember your mom is an actual human being with feelings, and sometimes your words hurt. Say thank you because she needs encouragement too. Tell your momma that you love her - she needs to hear the words!
Mother/daughter relationships are tricky because it involves two females! But the time and effort that we put into these relationships will have long term benefits and potentially will impact generations. I want to help my daughters to more fully realize their worth, gifts, and opportunities to positively impact those in their sphere of influence. I want them to never feel alone because they know that I always have their backs. I want them to come to me when they celebrate and when they need to cry. I want my daughters to confidently walk with their heads held high, yet make eye contact and share a smile with ALL people. I want them to love God with great passion and use their feet and hands to love others well. I want them to do better than I did, but I know that requires me continue to do my part. If something needs to change, the change must start with me. And I am making those changes because Emma Grace, Scottie, and Zoey deserve it!
Choose Joy: Our Autism Story
April is Autism Awareness Month. In 2020, the CDC released the most current statistic of people who are diagnosed with Autism Spectrum Disorder. 1 in 54. As I write that, all I can picture is our Scottie’s face.
As I reflect on our journey with Scottie, three themes emerge.
1) Love - We love who she is with all of the hard parts because she is created in the image of God. She loves well. She loves big. She loves unconditionally. She is worthy of love.
2) More - We know that God used Scottie to teach us to hope for MORE and to pray for MORE.
3) Joy - We choose joy over fear. Over grief. Over frustration.
Diving into this idea of choosing joy, I am reminded that this is the choice that propels us forward every single day. When she is struggling with her anxiety and OCD, we choose joy. When we are spinning out thinking about what life will look like in 20 years, we choose joy. When we are making hard decisions because it is the right thing for Scottie, we choose joy.
Choosing joy is in fact A CHOICE.
“Consider it a great joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you experience various trials, because you know that the testing of your faith produces endurance.”
It is important that I don’t create a picture that living with autism is easy. Listening to Scottie cry from frustration because her little dog toys aren’t laying perfectly in a plastic tub is FRUSTRATING. Using all of my reasoning skills, I explain that they will never ever lay perfectly because they are different shapes and sizes. Yet all of that reasoning means nothing because she cannot move past it. She is mad. She is frustrated.
Watching our other kiddos experience a heightened awareness of how other people are reacting to Scottie while we are public is hard. They are being molded into amazing human beings, but this molding process sometimes feels like you are in a freaking furnace. The molding hurts. The molding is difficult to articulate. The molding isn’t always wanted because quite frankly it isn’t easy and fun.
Grieving our hopes and dreams of what her future would have looked like isn’t an easy process because it is in fact a process. Just when you think you have grieved all that you can grieve, another thing pops up. Scottie turned 16 a few weeks ago and while other children are getting their driver’s license, we are still holding her hand when we cross the road. The grieving continues. When I shave her legs each week, I am over it. Done because I don’t want to be responsible for her hygiene at the age of 16 because she is a freaking young woman. The grieving continues. When I hand Zoey my phone so she can Facetime a friend from Texas, I am disappointed that Scottie doesn’t have friends her age to Facetime The grieving continues.
Yet - we choose joy. We have experienced what happens when we choose joy over the grief. We know that through the trials and difficult parts we have been given a beautiful gift. We are learning what it means to join hands, encourage one another, and accept a person freely and openly. During these trials, the joy we have received from Scottie is so immense that I could never string the right words together in a way that would really explain it. You must experience it. We will choose joy during the trials.
“For I have great joy and encouragement from your love, because the hearts of the saints have been refreshed through you, brother.”
Scottie’s journey is filled with amazing human beings who have walked alongside us. They have encouraged us when we needed it most. The acceptance and love for our daughter illustrates a picture of community. Looking back over the first 16 years, I see faces from the beginning to now. Our family provided an incredible support system, but in God’s kindness, He provided an extended community to support us. Regardless of where we have lived, God placed people in our path. (These are just a few names to illustrate how different people stepped into the gap.)
Christi, Michelle, Tara, Jennifer, and Jill - In the early years, these are a few of my friends who listened to me as I wrestled with her many delays, evaluations, and testing while looking for answers. They loved our entire family so well.
Kristie, Grady, Liz and Jessie - When we packed our family and headed to a new city to help plant a church, they stepped into our lives in such a way that they gave us stability and comfort knowing that they would accept Scottie as she was and we could trust our kids to be encouraged and safe in their hands.
Jennifer, David, Jackie and Sonny (and their kids) - We again transitioned to a new church and community and were fighting the public school system trying to make the best decision for Scottie. They saw Scottie in such a way that we knew that they understood and enjoyed her. They were on our side. They dove in and loved and encouraged us well.
Jacque - We move our littles to another country to serve as missionaries, and Jacque befriended our girl. She was already my friend, but she chose to step in and do life with us - to do life with Scottie. Cooking. Talking. Errand running. Taking selfies. She is her buddy, and we are not alone.
Do you have a family in your life that would benefit from intentional actions and words of encouragement? Do you know someone raising a child with special needs? I cannot stress enough the power of your words and actions because they will provide them with the refreshment they need to get through each and every day. That refreshment is ultimately one of the biggest reasons they are able to choose joy.
“Now may the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you believe so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.”
When we were in the midst of developmental pediatrician appointments, testing, and evaluations, many emotions surfaced. The experts would shower us with labels. Nevers. Suggestions. Limitations. The one statement that kept us centered was: We will accept reality, but hope for the best.
Our hope was that we loved and followed a God who labeled our daughter as His child, loved, and worthy. We read stories about a God of miracles not a God of nevers. We searched for discernment as we made decisions leaning on God who freely gives wisdom to those who ask. We listened to the sweet prayers of our Scottie as she talked to her Abba Father with complete trust and acceptance and we envied her faith. Her Jesus did not give her limitations because His power is limitless. Our God filled us with such hope and that hope gave us JOY and peace. Because we walk around every day as a dwelling place for the Holy Spirit, we have been able to parent and love her in and through His power. And the power of the Holy Spirit fills us with so much hope that the hope overflows - it is abundant. Part of choosing joy is waking up and choosing Jesus. EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. It is a choice. A choice that is rarely easy and trial free. A choice that requires sacrifice.
Joy and trials can co-exist.
Joy and frustrations can co-exist.
Joy and grief can co-exist.
Joy and uncertainty can co-exist.
It is not an either/or but a both/and posture.
The choice to follow a God of hope fills our lives with joy.
I will choose joy. I will choose to love and serve Scottie (and our other kiddos) for all of my days believing that joy is a choice, My hope and prayer for my children is that they would always choose joy, and I know that it always starts with me. God extended a beautiful kindness towards our family through His gift of Scottie - I am so, so thankful. This morning, I will choose joy. And tomorrow,,, I will choose it again.
Just lucky?
Time to be honest. Over the years, I held onto these thoughts for fear that they will be misunderstood, but the same thoughts keep rolling around in my head. Knowing that some may not receive my feelings over the topic of being lucky when it comes to parenting or in our marriage, I hope those who read this see that my desire is to give another perspective. My perspective. I don’t believe that one parenting or marriage model fits all. However, I do know what Scott and I committed to do in our marriage and for our family. I do know that I have had dozens of conversations with other women who have fallen on all sides of this question - Did some parents just get lucky with the children they are given to raise? Struggling for years over being told I was just lucky because our kids are just so “good” or my hubs is practically perfect in every way, I hesitated to share the decisions we made because I want to avoid conflict. Today, I choose to be honest. Provide another perspective.
Scott and I have been married for 23 years. Our marriage hasn't been without conflict, issues, or struggles. After all, a lot of life happens in 23 years. We have a marriage that is full of laughter, adventures, and joy. On this journey, we have weathered miscarriages, major career changes, unemployment, raising a child with special needs, experiencing our spouse endure personal attacks from outside our family, financial burdens, selling and buying multiple houses, moving to another country, and the list goes on and on. Yet, we are happy. It isn't an act. We aren't trying to cover up or present only one side of our marriage to the world. We are both very open and forthcoming about our faults and struggles. But is it just luck? Did I just luck into a relationship with an easy-going, caring man and that's why our marriage is solid? Did he just luck into...ok I am fairly certain that anyone who knows us would say that I am the lucky one and that Scott is basically a saint.
Here is what I know. We work on our marriage. We work on our relationship. Scott has always put our marriage and family first. He listens to my opinions and knows that there is value to my intuition and insight. I know that he is trustworthy and a man of integrity, so where he leads us I happily follow. We check in regularly with one another to make sure we are on the same page. Does it mean that we don't bug one another...well of course there are habits and mannerisms that aren't as charming as they once were. Our marriage isn't luck. We work on our marriage, and we work on ourselves. Our marriage is a result of work and not happenstance.
Scott and I have four children. They are fantastic kids...I know that they are super sweet kids and are by nature just easygoing, sweet-spirited kids. I have been told numerous times that Scott and I are so lucky to have such great kids. And they are great kids, but they are still humans who are by nature selfish sinners. We have made very intentional parenting choices. After Jacob was born, we decided that we wanted to do everything we could for me to be a stay-at-home mom. It meant that I might keep kiddos in our home or find various part time jobs. It meant that we vacationed less. Our cars are older. It meant that we didn't buy new furniture for our homes, but rather pieced together a home with furniture from garage sales or gifted to us. We made the intentional decision to back one another up in our parenting decisions. We tried our hardest to be on the same page, so that our sweet little kids couldn't pit us against one another. We made the intentional decision to make sure our family went to church together. We served together at church, in our community, and on international mission trips. Speaking of mission trips...we knew we wanted our kids to have a big worldview, so we made sure they had the opportunity to see other places. We made the intentional decisions to talk to our kids and encourage them to think for themselves. I could tell them what I think about refugees, abortion, or helping the homeless, but what we ultimately want is for them to have an opinion about these issues for themselves and not simply recite what we have shared. We intentionally eat the majority of our dinners together. Our kids are involved and busy, just as we are, but we made the choice to do everything we could to eat together...without phones...without tv. We didn't just luck into good kids, we worked hard to raise these amazing kids. It isn't just happenstance.
It is discouraging and hurtful when the people who barely know us or the ones who know us best throw comments our way about how lucky we are. I don’t believe that most people who say it are trying to hurt us. But by simply saying we are just lucky, you are discounting the years and years of discussions, decisions and actions that we have made for this family. Each of our families are pieced together with different circumstances and personalities. I understand that, but we all make choices. For us, our decisions and actions were intentional with a unified goal in mind. So please, don’t neglect seeing and acknowledging them.
I realize that there are many in the Christian arena who do not like the word "luck". They prefer the "christianese" (language spoken by many Christians) term "blessed" or "blessing". You may change the phrase to "you are just so blessed", yet I think the same argument applies here. We fully realize that we have been blessed with some stinkin’ awesome kiddos. We fully realize that God has protected our marriage and family from some really hard things. But we have also made the intentional decision to place our marriage and family firmly on the truth of God's Word. That isn't just luck or us being blessed...that my friends, was a decision. And if we continue this train of thought about Scott and I being blessed with great kids, does that mean God decided not to bless the parents who are struggling with a teenage addict or a kid who is rebellious? I just cannot follow that logic. I just cannot believe that God chose to bless us and not them. Kids will make their own decisions, and they will struggle and mess up. Just because we made the decisions we did does not guarantee that there will not be hardships.
The very idea that we can make intentional decisions in how we love and serve within our marriage and how we love and raise our children gives me hope. Hope that we can take action and do better. Hope that it isn't all just by chance or because God decided to bless us or not bless us. If your marriage is struggling, then do something about it. Make a new decision. Take a different action. If you feel disconnected from your son, then make dinner a priority. Sit down. Tell him to put up his phone and talk about what is happening in the world and discover all of the ideas and thoughts your son already possesses. (Caution: I worked hard to have free thinking, opinionated children and oh my word, do I disagree with how they think sometimes. It can be really frustrating when I fundamentally disagree, but I am SO proud of their logic and thought process. I don't want clones of me...and they are NOT!) Share life together. If your daughter is struggling with who she is, then slow down and create a new schedule and begin picking her up from school. Talk to her. Share with her your struggles in discovering who you are. Let her know that she isn't alone. Wake up every day of your life making choices towards your ultimate goal(s), instead of waking up to a life that is spinning out of control.
"For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope." Jeremiah 29:11
"For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them." Ephesians 2:10
I believe that God created me. Scott. Our kids. He has prepared good works and plans for our life as a family and our individual lives. We cannot just sit and wait for these good works to present themselves or for the plans to just happen. We are told that we must take action and "walk" in them. Make a decision and move.
Life isn't just happenstance. A coincidence. A series of "lucky" or "blessed" events. Life is largely about you making very intentional decisions and then believing that circumstances and relationships can change.
Scott and I are NOT just lucky or blessed. We have worked hard for this marriage. For our kids. For our family. And I will no longer allow others to diminish our hard work and sacrifices. And I will cheer loudly for those who are actively fighting for their marriage and their family. I will share the same hope that we have with those who feel as though all is lost and there is nothing less to do.
To all of my fellow mommas striving to love and serve their families, I see you. I see you working hard at your marriage and making intentional parenting choices. I know it isn't always easy. I know that there might be many years ahead of heartache and worrisome nights, but I also know that you have hope of a future for your family that is full of hope. I see you sacrificing. I see that you are not merely "lucky" or "blessed", and you deserve a pat on the back and just a little credit. I see you.
May 2020 be the year of gaining a new perspective and not discounting the hard work of moms, dads, husbands, and wives.
May 2020 be the year that each of us walk into the "good works" and plans God has prepared for each of us.
Sweet Sixteen
“Thank you God for always loving us.
Thank you God for always protecting us.
Thank you God for always being with me.
In Jesus, precious name, Amen. ”
My Sweet Scottie,
When I listen to you pray at night, I am reminded of what a sweet perspective you have of God. You inspire me to want to come to Him with the same always belief. Full of confidence. Not wavering. Never questioning. I am not sure when I made the unconscious decision that you may never make a personal decision to follow Jesus. Somehow the thought was that you would just have a different spiritual journey than Jake, Emma Grace, or Zoey. With you, we continued to pray, go to church, and talk about Jesus through conversations and reading the Bible. But recently something began to stir in my heart…
At the beginning of this year, we chose a word for ourselves but also for you. I knew that the word that I wanted for you was faith. My deepest desire is that you have a faith experience because, why not? A few months have gone by since choosing that word. I realized that perhaps your faith decision won’t be a singular decision. For you, faith is a way of life. You live every day believing the things you pray for at night. You don’t ask God to protect you or be with you in just one moment. You pray with a statement that He is ALWAYS with you, protecting you, and loving you. Instead of focusing on how to grow your faith, I am going to strive to cultivate a faith like yours. Your spiritual journey is different than ours, but different in this case is sweet, beautiful, and so pure.
As you turn 16 in a few short days, I give thanks to a God who uses your life (and your faith) to model to all who you encounter what it is to love God unconditionally and how it feels to be loved unconditionally. You have taught us all so much in 16 years, and here are just the top 16:
Really look at and see the little things in our world because the details are important, entertaining, and beautiful.
If you don’t want to be hugged, touched, or kissed, use your voice and tell people no.
Speak the truth because people enjoy knowing exactly what you think. It’s refreshing.
When you are irritated, show it, deal with it, then move on.
When you don’t like people chewing gum or wearing socks and it makes you physically want to run, it is ok to let them know.
Tell people that you love them and that they are your favorite.
Say the funny things that pop into your head, especially if it keeps the ones you love the most on their toes.
If you find comfort in order and want to control the environment, it is important that you don’t demand the same thing from others because they don’t enjoy it.
Never underestimate someone who seems different than you.
When you have a gut feeling that someone needs to be checked in on, you should say something and check on them.
Food should be savored.
Just because you experience something different, doesn’t mean that you aren’t experiencing it. And different isn’t wrong, it’s just different.
Sibling relationships are the best!
Feeling safe and secure in your home and in your family is invaluable.
One person can have the most amazing impact on your life.
Believe that God will always be with us, love us, and protect us.
Thank you Scottie for loving us so freely and openly. Thank you for making us better human beings. May you always find your safe place with your family. We adore you, our sweet girl.
Happy Sweet Sixteen!
Love you forever and ever.
Mom
From Scottie’s Mom
Dear You-Know-Who-You-Are,
Thank you.
Thank you for looking at Scottie in the eyes and talking to her even if she doesn’t respond appropriately.
Thank you for speaking to her in Spanish and engaging her even if you don’t speak the same language.
Thank you for saying hello to her as you walk by her even if she doesn’t say hello back.
Thank you for cheering for her while she attempts to climb the rock wall even though she was irritated, frustrated, and not speaking kindly.
Thank you for cutting up her chicken for lunch.
Thank you for inviting her into your space even if she tells you to move.
Thank you for laughing with her and not laughing at her.
Thank you for treating Scottie with respect and dignity.
Thank you for giving her grace when she is “off”.
Thank you for asking questions because you want to know her better.
Thank you for including her.
Thank you for enjoying her bluntness, inappropriate dancing, and her attitude.
Thank you for dancing around a fire pit with her.
Thank you for taking the time to get to know Scottie.
Thank you for telling me that you really like her.
Thank you for accepting her quirks, awkwardness, and bluntness.
Thank you for loving her little sister well and giving her a space to just be herself and not just Scottie’s sister.
Thank you for sharing stories about the cute and funny things Scottie did because it shows me that you get her.
Thank you for loving her well.
We appreciate your simple gestures, quick acceptance, and ready smiles. You will never fully know how your kindness affects not only Scottie but her entire family.
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
Scottie’s Mom
The Makarios staff, American missionaries, and the Trinity team once again showed me that God’s kindness towards Scottie (and us) comes in the form of other people. He has surrounded our family with amazing people - from birth to now. Our hope for Scottie’s life has always been that she would be the catalyst for others to learn to accept and love ALL people.
Is there someone you need to thank? Is there someone you feel the Holy Spirit nudging you towards to give hope, encouragement, or appreciation? Is there a special needs person that you could befriend? Is there a special needs parent that you could bless by providing a date night? Is there an opportunity for you to sing and dance with wild abandon because there is a 15 year old who wants someone to engage them? Don’t wait. Don’t hesitate. Take action this week because someone needs a little hope and encouragement.
As always, it starts with me.
Share Your Story (6/13/2018)
Walking on eggshells, constantly assessing the environment and mood of a child. Feeling both exhausted and frustrated, but also blessed and present. Realizing how intrusive the world can be, but also how beautiful and intricate. Longing for a future that will never be, but so thankful for the life we have been given. A life filled with contradictions is what it is like to live each day caring and loving a child with special needs.
No one can truly understand the ins and outs except for those who are walking with the same feet crammed into poorly shaped shoes. Shaped for the average person. Shaped for so few, yet desired by so many. You try to explain her. You pretend life is something it isn’t because it is easier than sharing the truth. Being vulnerable. If we truly expose our lives and feelings, becoming vulnerable, then we risk disappointment and hurt. Not just for us, but also for our child. And hurting her, well that isn’t acceptable. I spend countless hours maneuvering our household and lives trying to protect her from what I can. So many things are out of my control and they bombard her senses quickly and furiously. Therefore, I will try to control what I can, which means being vulnerable, truly vulnerable, just doesn’t happen often.
After her diagnosis, I remember searching the shelves of bookstores and aimlessly scrolling through the internet looking for wisdom and stories of other families like ours. I would hungrily read the words only to realize that they aren’t like us. Stories of strict diet changes, radical therapy, and cures. Stories of what I need to do. Where were the stories of how it feels? How to process those feelings? Stories of successes followed by failures. Stories of the contradictions. I never found those books or websites.
We were left to just do the best we could and accept reality while holding fast to hope. We were left with our story. A story that fills my head with words because I know it must be shared. Shared for my sake. Shared so others can step into our lives for just a moment. Shared because God has given us the most amazing gift and her name is Cate Scotlyn. This gift must be shared vulnerably, but that forces me into a place that I am not comfortable residing. Vulnerable. Raw. Honest.
How many of us are sitting on our stories because the sharing is too hard? How many of us are searching for these same stories, and because we cannot find them, we feel as though we are all alone? Share your truths. Share your stories. We need to hear them and experience your life through your words. I think being vulnerable, although hard and scary, may just be worth it.
Autism at 14 (4/3/2018)
As I reflect upon Scottie’s life thus far and how the diagnosis of autism altered the course we dreamed and planned for her, I pause to think about how it looks now at 14.
I still cannot wrap my head around what lifestyle changes are truly necessary in order to support her the most.
I can honestly say I have no idea what causes autism.
I have “kinda” tried diet changes and essential oils hoping that something magical would happen, only to discover that I can find no differences.
I am still on guard in public because I know she looks different and people will stare. And surprisingly, people are still unkind and thoughtless.
I feel anxious for her when we are in a loud, sensory-overloaded environment because I know that she is struggling.
I desperately want to beat it. Fight it. Get rid of it. Do anything I can to make her life just a little easier.
I mourn the what-ifs for her...for me...for our family.
I absolutely cannot see the why or big picutre reason.
I struggle with conflicting emotions of wanting to correct and yet simultaneously celebrate when Scottie rolls her eyes or stamps her foot with a fantastic teenage attitude.
I just want to get through one day without being reminded that I have a child with autism.
I want to get through a week without beating myself up because I feel like I am failing her.
I want to be able to leave her at home by herself because she is 14 years old and she wants to have some independence. She says, “What? Don’t you trust me?” Ugh...it isn’t a trust thing baby girl!
I want to dream of what our lives could be like when our babies all leave the nest and have families of their own, but that isn’t in our cards.
I want to dream about her future mate and what little Scottie babies would have looked like...what career would she have chosen?
Autism is hard. It was hard at 3. At 9. And, it is hard at 14. Life changing. Life altering.
Hard.
Autism is beautiful. My Scottie is beautiful. Despite the long list of hardships, difficulties, and what-ifs, I am so very thankful that she is mine. She is exactly who she is meant to be, and we are the blessed ones. We get to call her ours. She sees me. Really sees me. Sees the sighs. Sees my frustration. Sees my joy. Sees my pride. She sees me as I learn to love bigger and better. She sees the real me. The me that is hidden and guarded with everyone else. She sees me, and she still loves me. How incredibly lucky am I that I have experienced the "being known completely and accepted wholly?"
April is Autism Awareness Month. The statistics change yearly because the reality is, more and more children are being diagnosed with autism. The latest number I found today is 1 in 41. 1 in 41. Chances are you know several children, teenagers, or adults with autism. Chances are you encounter someone daily. Treat them with respect and admiration. Be full of grace. Be kind. Daily, they face a world that requires them to face their fears. They are some of the bravest people you will ever meet. Learn from them. Do life alongside of them. Look them in the eyes and allow them to see you. All of you. I promise...you will not regret it!
Emma Grace (3/17/2018)
Strong. Brave. Witty. Kind. Trustworthy.
My sweet daughter, Emma Grace, exhibits all of these amazing qualities and so much more. Anyone who knows her...who knows our family...knows that we are able to do the things we do largely because of the support she gives to each of us. She loves her sisters (and Jake) and willingly steps in to serve and care for them. She sees a need and, instead of waiting for her parents to do it, she fills in the gap. Carpool. Making dinner. Trips to the park. Extra support for Scottie. Emma Grace has a quick wit and can go toe-to-toe with both her punny dad and her super sarcastic mom. She offers kindness to those who are hurting, who are different, and who are rejected. She is a great friend. She's loyal to those who make their way into her heart. For most of her life, she has been the big sister to a girl who needed someone to be strong. Emma Grace loves her Scottie with a fierceness that you do not want to test. From the youngest of age, I would tell anyone within hearing distance that 1) I could die tomorrow and my household would run perfectly because of Emma Grace and 2) I want to be Emma Grace when I grow up!
Anxious. Fearful. Insecure.
Sometimes we forget that although she is so strong and amazing, Emma Grace is also a young woman searching for her place in the world. A place that isn't just as a big sister. Protector. Daughter. Helper. The funny one. She hurts. She is a classic Enneagram 6 (if you don't know about Enneagram, look it up. It explains a lot.) Full of fear. Fear of rejection from her peers. Fear of not living up to the impossible expectations placed upon her. Fear of the unknown. She suffers from social anxiety. Wanting to be liked. Wanting to fit in. Wanting a life that resembles a classic movie full of friends and experiences. Wanting things she doesn't even fully understand. She has no idea how amazing she is because the lies being told to her by social media, society, and teenagers often shout louder than truth.
Inspiring. Encouraging. Strengthening.
I teach at Emma Grace's school, and we have an hour every school day where we sit together in the lunchroom because neither of us has a class at that time. It has been one of my highlights for this year. I watch her in her element. Laughing with her friends as they walk through the room. Managing her busy schedule. Last week, she shared with me that she was told that someone made a comment about her. Basically, the comment was that Emma (and one of her friends) were so annoying because it was obvious they knew no one liked them and they just don't care. What?!?! Momma bear was ready to fight. My momma radar shot up because I know that she has struggled with belonging. Anxious about being accepted for who she is and fearful of being rejected. Would this cause her to spiral? Would this bring us back to where we were the year before? Would she accept this comment as truth instead of stupid teenager talk? But Emma Grace's response amazed me. She said she would pull this student aside and tell him/her that 1) I have defended you and stuck up for you for years and expect the same 2) You are correct. I do NOT care if you like me or not because I am going to be me. 3) People do like me. You may not. Your friends may not. But I am liked.
Pride mixed with relief flooded my heart. The longer her brave response sits with me; the more inspired, encouraged, and strengthened I become because of her. Like many women, I worry about what people think of me. I struggle with being confident. Speaking my truth. Living my authentic life. Playing roles...wife, mom, friend, teacher, and ... And rejection SUCKS! No one wants to be rejected. Rejection can send a woman into a destructive spiral that prevents her from being a confident, world-changer. When I feel as though I have nothing to give, I will be strengthened by Emma Grace. When I am not sure that I am fully equipped to be who God wants me to be, I will be inspired by my sweet daughter. When I doubt myself as mom, I will pause and be encouraged because my world-changing daughter is figuring it out and she is only 16! If she can do it, I can too! If she can sit comfortably in who she is and who God created her to be, so can I! If she can speak with courage and call out the lies and defend herself, I will speak as well.
Emma Grace - May you continue to laugh easily. May you live life to its fullest. May you know your strengths, but also rely fully on God as you work through your weaknesses. May you continue to extend kindness to those who are rejected and invite them into your life. May you continue to grow and develop into a Godly, truth-speaking, love-acting, and life-changing BOLD woman. I am beyond proud of who you are. I am beyond encouraged, inspired, and strengthened because of all of your qualities...from the wit to the anxiety. I will continue to strive to be more like you and one day when I grow up... ok, we all know I am never growing up... but, I do have a lovely role-model and her name is Emma Grace. Love you forever.