slow
We live in a culture that values efficiency, accomplishment, involvement, and success. Do more. Be better.
We live in a culture that puts its best foot forward by highlighting our success, our child’s achievement, a beautiful spot in our home, and the latest vacation on social media, in pictures on our Christmas cards, and in small talk with strangers AND friends.
We live in a culture that views 2nd place as a loss. Or we try to create a scenario where everyone wins so that no one loses. Blaming others for the loss or mistake - it’s the coach, the teacher, the boss, or colleague.
We live in a culture that doesn’t highlight or praise the effort or the progress unless the end result is a miraculous win.
At the end of the day, where has this culture left us?
We feel tired and overwhelmed.
We feel as though we can never accomplish or achieve what we want.
We feel discontent.
We feel lonely because NO ONE knows us.
We feel underappreciated or perhaps overlooked.
We feel like we are not enough or less than.
Can we snap our fingers and change the entire culture we live in?
No. But can we make a choice for ourselves and for our family culture?
Instead of fast and more, we practice slow and content.
Instead of win or loss, we celebrate small steps forward.
Instead of blaming others, we take accountability for our part and let the rest go.
What if we intentionally choose to begin our days slowly, limit the items to accomplish on our schedules and to-do lists, and end our days being fully present in the slow, everyday moments of our lives?
What if we created a family that left space - sacred, holy space - in our ordinary days?
I believe that a simple choice to slow down our days would give us the room to…
give thanks
see God at work
turn towards contentment
know others deeper
and discover a holy satisfaction in the God who took the time to praise His creation, acknowledge His good work, and rest
Do you experience the same overwhelming chaos surrounding us all?
Do you desire to find a satisfying contentment?
A few ways I have incorporated rhythms and practices into my daily life in order to help me slow down:
Writing down 3 things every morning that I am thankful for - big or small.
Sitting and enjoying a cup of coffee in the morning.
Practicing stillness in the morning - 4 minutes of sitting with my eyes closed. Assessing how my body feels, what thoughts are swirling around in my mind, and the sounds I hear. Then I slow down my breathing by inhaling for 5 and exhaling for 5, reminding myself of what I want to bring into my mind and soul and what I want to let go of. For example: inhale God’s truth and exhale the world’s lies.
Savoring an evening beverage - a cup of hot tea or a cocktail that my oldest daughter prepares for me. (Don’t worry she’s over 21.)
Cuddling up with my youngest daughter and watching Dance Moms (or whatever show we are currently watching together).
A long hug with Hubs…not talking about who needs to do what thing or run what errand…just fully present with one another before our day begins.
Creating a to-do list each evening for the next day, BUT intentionally limiting it to the top 3 items. Instead of the overwhelm of needing to accomplish 20 things, there are just 3. Check out this Top 3 To-Do Journal that I created (and use).
Practicing a Sabbath rest. I set aside 24 hours (from 3:30 pm on Saturday to 3:30 pm on Sunday) where I only do the things that give life - reading, napping, sharing meals with my family, etc. But I do not do any “work” during those hours. The Sabbath is a time to slow down and reflect upon God’s goodness and kindness.
Friend - Hear me say that what I have shared with you is not meant to become another list of things you MUST do, but rather just a glimpse of a few things that you could do so that you can begin to reshape your life.
Slow.
Slow.
Fully present.
A Sabbath Rest
Years of reading about the Sabbath in Scripture, but the reality is, I wasn’t really exposed to the why of Sabbath or how to Sabbath.
In the early years of my spiritual journey, the commandment to honor the Sabbath became one of the 10 commandments that we didn’t really have to follow. For sure don’t kill, steal, or commit adultery, but if you don’t honor the Sabbath, it’s not a big deal. I can’t think of one sermon or book read about the Sabbath. I can’t think of one person I knew who truly practiced the heart of the Sabbath.
I stumbled upon the rhythm of Sabbath out of sheer desperation. I was running myself ragged with
work, consisting of endless lesson plans to prepare and papers to grade
ministry expectations and commitments I had as a pastor’s wife
parenting that required daily chauffeuring, cooking, and cleaning
The calendar was full and I could literally work every single day, all day long, and still have a to-do list a mile long. As soon as I marked one thing off, another item would be added. I was experiencing burn out - physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually.
Something had to change.
“Let us, therefore, make every effort to enter that rest, so that no one will perish by following their example of disobedience.”
So I stopped and went back to the beginning.
“On the seventh day God had completed his work that he had done, and he rested on the seventh day from all his work that he had done. God blessed the seventh day and declared it holy, for on it he rested from all his work of creation.”
Note that in the creation story the only thing declared as holy is the Sabbath. God set this day apart for the good of creation and to highlight the differences between those who follow Him and those who follow the surrounding nations.
I revisited the 10 Commandments.
“Remember the Sabbath day, to keep it holy: You are to labor six days and do all your work, but the seventh day is a Sabbath to the Lord your God. You must not do any work—you, your son or daughter, your male or female servant, your livestock, or the resident alien who is within your city gates. For the Lord made the heavens and the earth, the sea, and everything in them in six days; then he rested on the seventh day. Therefore the Lord blessed the Sabbath day and declared it holy.”
“Be careful to remember the Sabbath day, to keep it holy as the Lord your God has commanded you. You are to labor six days and do all your work, but the seventh day is a Sabbath to the Lord your God. Do not do any work—you, your son or daughter, your male or female slave, your ox or donkey, any of your livestock, or the resident alien who lives within your city gates, so that your male and female slaves may rest as you do.”
Note which phrases or words are repeated or significant:
Remember
Be careful to remember
Keep it Holy
Blessed
Declared it holy
I read the words of Jesus.
“As he was teaching in one of the synagogues on the Sabbath, a woman was there who had been disabled by a spirit for over eighteen years. She was bent over and could not straighten up at all. When Jesus saw her, he called out to her, “Woman, you are free of your disability.” Then he laid his hands on her, and instantly she was restored and began to glorify God. But the leader of the synagogue, indignant because Jesus had healed on the Sabbath, responded by telling the crowd, “There are six days when work should be done; therefore come on those days and be healed and not on the Sabbath day. But the Lord answered him and said, “Hypocrites! Doesn’t each one of you untie his ox or donkey from the feeding trough on the Sabbath and lead it to water? Satan has bound this woman, a daughter of Abraham, for eighteen years—shouldn’t she be untied from this bondage on the Sabbath day?”
Note that Jesus wasn’t against observing the Sabbath, but rather he was fighting against the legalistic practice of Sabbath. Observing the Sabbath should not be at the expense of loving and serving others. It seemed clear that there must be something to this idea of honoring the Sabbath.
Feeling as though this was my last attempt to create balance in my life, I made the decision to practice a Sabbath. At the time, we were attending a Saturday evening service. I decided that I would not “work” from the time that service started until 5:oo pm Sunday evening.
I said no to
writing lessons plans
grading papers
running errands
committing to anything that did not bring life and joy to me
I said yes to
worshiping with my local church
lunching with friends
napping in the middle of day
studying Scripture
reading for joy
watching a movie with Hubs or the kiddos
And do you know what I discovered when I implemented this spiritual rhythm?
I was super focused and motivated the other 6 days.
It was easier for me to say no to things that I wanted and needed to say no to.
I was more efficient and effective with the time I did work.
I physically felt rested and ready for the new week.
I appreciated stillness and slowness.
I began to experience God and His goodness and kindness in a new way.
What a gift He gave us!
I continue to practice the Sabbath. The day we attend church has changed, but the commitment to having periods of slowness and intentionality with Jesus, my family, and myself has not stopped.
Do you want to begin this weekly rhythm of Sabbath? Are you wondering where to start?
Begin with setting a period of time that will be your Sabbath. It doesn’t matter when you begin or end it. I highly recommend trying to make it at least 24 hours. Be realistic about the time. I choose to end my Sabbath by 5:00 pm on Sunday because I know that I need to prepare for work on Monday and make sure my family is prepared for the week.
Determine what you will say No and Yes to. Make sure your family knows your boundaries and that you include their need for a Sabbath.
Set a weekly calendar reminder. I set mine for Saturday afternoon. It is just a quick reminder that my Sabbath is about to begin, and I need to put up my work.
Choose a Bible study or a faith/theology book to go through during your Sabbath. Something that enriches your experience. In the beginning I recommend reading books on the Sabbath or going through a Bible study that focuses on the Sabbath.
Use the time for
Rest - physically
Play - do something fun (a new hobby or with your family or friends)
Fellowship - spend time with someone in your biblical community or family
Celebration - pause and celebrate the successes of the week
Reflection - reflect back upon the week and acknowledge the hard parts, and if needed, seek forgiveness and reconciliation with God and/or with others
Thanksgiving - give thanks to God for the week you are leaving and the week that you are walking into; write or say the words out loud to God!
Praise - find a way to praise God for who He is; this may be done through a church service, on a walk in your neighborhood, or with the music turned up as you make dessert
Sabbathing takes practice!
Spiritual rhythms are sometimes called spiritual practices; that’s because you must practice them. You are going to mess up in the beginning. You will run to the grocery store because you need food. You will have a commitment that you really don’t want, but you didn’t want to say no. You may be tempted to do some work. You will forget to pause and celebrate, praise, or give thanks. Forgive yourself. Make a plan for the following Sabbath…and try again. If you struggle with follow through, consider asking someone to hold you accountable. Remember these words from Jesus, “The Sabbath was made for man and not man for the Sabbath”. (Mark 2:27)
Here are a few books that I highly recommend that helped to share my spiritual rhythm of Sabbath:
The Sabbath by Abraham Joshua Heschel
The Sacred Slow by Alicia Britt Chloe
Rhythms of Rest by Shelly Miller
Chasing Slow by Erin Loechner (not about Sabbath but beautiful book about slowing down)
Be encouraged. The Sabbath is for you. To bring you rest. Renewal. Refreshment. It is a gift given to us in the very beginning because our Creator knew that we needed it.
“Therefore, a Sabbath rest remains for God’s people. For the person who has entered his rest has rested from his own works, just as God did from his.”
My Year of Just Jesus
At the end of 2020, I knew without a doubt that what I needed above all else was to focus on just Jesus. The world was spinning out of control, and I watched as the American church became more and more divisive. Christians choosing sides and unwilling to give grace to those who didn’t agree with them on everything political and social. Christians throwing verses at one another to justify their stance(s). What I needed was to pull it all back and focus on Jesus. Just Jesus. In January 2021, I began a 43 week study of the life of Jesus. I read the gospels synoptically and compared the verses and stories side by side. I read the gospels holistically (twice) to see how each author wrote the story as a whole. I didn’t enter into this journey alone; I invited other women to join me. We studied the verses, researched the meaning, discussed the meanings, encouraged, and challenged one another to dig deeper. Focusing on JUST Jesus changed me, and I am beyond thankful for this journey. As I look back at the 43 weeks, there are 10 major reflective moments and 10 personal paradigm shifts.
10 Reflections
Jesus is everything.
My dismissal of the Old Testament and understanding of the Law is a detriment to understanding more fully the whole story. The Old Testament provides context and enriches the story of Jesus.
My disenchantment with the American church is based in disappointment and often narcissistic behaviors. But the church is part of the kingdom of God. Jesus came in part because He was creating the church - a holy, set-apart nation.
Things have been added to the gospels, and they continue to be taught as scriptural fact. (example: woman caught in adultery at end of Mark)
Jesus speaks often about how disciples are supposed to love one another. In fact, many of the verses I attributed to loving ALL were actually about loving other believers.
Yes, there are some inconsistencies, but so many of these accounts are similar. WOW!
How many times did Jesus tell his friends everything, but they just didn’t understand?
Jesus desperately loved Israel. In fact, the accounts of healing were almost entirely Jewish people. He came to speak truth, teach and model the heart behind the law, and ultimately provide a salvation path for both the Jews and the Gentiles.
There is a clear model for discipleship/mentorship.
10 Personal Paradigm Shifts
Renewed appreciation for the Old Testament and a great desire to understand more.
Return to the church. Putting my disenchantment aside, I must become an active member of the church again. I need it. A community of believers is part of the plan to build the kingdom of God, and I don’t want to miss it!
Read scripture more carefully. Instead of believing what I have always been told and what I have always believed, I need to do the work.
Love disciples/believers and give them the same grace that I would give a nonbeliever. It is easier for me to give grace to a nonbeliever because I have such high expectations of a believer. But we are told over and over to love one another, and there are no excuses for my self-righteous judgments.
Seek for understanding. When I am not sure what something means I will research it, pray, and try to determine what I think it means. Not just what the pastor says, the Hubs says, or even the so-called experts - what do I believe it means.
Learn church history, theology, and discover where our church fathers got it right and where they went wrong. I don’t want to sugarcoat our history, but I need to understand it.
Lament all of the ways I got it wrong and perpetuated beliefs that I no longer hold as true. When you know better, you do better. So I lament where I messed it up and ask for guidance as I move forward.
Serve, love, and advocate for the least of these. They were important to the heart of Jesus, and they must be important to me. What does this look like for me? How can I serve them? (I’m not sure, but I need to figure it out.)
Disciple intentionally. Who?
Jesus is everything. (He really, really is.)
The things that I have discovered this year have both angered me and drawn me closer to Jesus. I feel myself waking up, and I have never wanted to understand more fully than I do right now. Some of the things that I now believe have forced me to have real, honest conversations with Scott, my family, and friends. When we look for a new church, my list of what I am looking for has changed. Trying to understand different perspectives without fear but simply to understand and determine my personal beliefs is empowering. I crave knowledge and truth, and at the same time feel compelled to put that knowledge and truth into action. I am waking up, and I am changing. I pray that the church wakes up and changes, but in the meantime, I know it starts with me.
seen & known
the leper
the unclean
the woman
the child
the fisherman
the adultress
the widow
the poor
the mother
the hurting
the downhearted
the servant
the immigrant
the oppressed
Over and over in the Gospels, we read that Jesus saw them. He acknowledged their struggles, heard their pleas for healing, witnessed their sacrifices, and healed their brokenness. He defended the lost, weak, and oppressed. He spoke truth to the religious authorities. He corrected those who were wrong. He gathered around tables with friends and sinners. He touched those who were unclean, untouchable. He saw faith and rewarded it. He walked with friends - male and female. He taught that there was no hierarchy of gender, race, or position. He spoke of religious past and shared a new way to walk out a faith. He was moved to compassion. He wept. He grieved. He looked into the eyes of all people. He favored no one. He looked at others and made sure they knew that they were known.
the husband struggling in his marriage
the woman seeking a spouse
the child crying for attention
the woman weeping over the loss of her child
the older woman feeling alone
the addict struggling to say no
the woman desperately wanting a child
the child desperately wanting a mother
the anxious girl navigating high school
the fearful boy trying to look successful
the dying man receiving chemo
the tired momma rocking her colicky baby
the pastor preaching to blank faces with empty smiles
Our Jesus sees you, and He knows you.
I believe that we all have a craving to be seen and known. We were created with this desire for a reason and purpose - to seek God.
As small children, we seek that sense of feeling known from our parents, siblings, and random strangers at stores. We blurt out the first thing to pop into our heads, we throw ourselves down in the store aisles, and we perform through song and dance trying to earn a laugh or applause from our parents. We reach our arms up and demand to be held. We cry when we want something.
As teenagers, we push the boundaries at home seeking the attention from our parents. We try different personalities, dressing for the part we are playing. We scour social media, searching for what will make us happy by looking at the images our peers are posting. We sit in the front raising our hands so we can be heard, or we hide in the back trying to control who sees us.
As young adults, we continue to play parts: young wife, new dad, business professional, and homeowner. We try to walk with confidence wanting to be noticed. Desiring to be known, we jump into and out of different friend groups: churches, neighbors, work, and the latest social activity. We know we don’t know everything and we feel lost, yet we continue to push forward, searching but exuding certainty.
As we enter our 30s and 40s, we gain more confidence in who we are to the world. We have realized that in so many ways it is exhausting to play roles, yet we are still seeking. We begin to realize that seeking to be seen and known by other human beings can be such a disappointment because we are all selfish, sinful people. We look at our lives and discover that our plans, dreams, and hopes didn’t come to fruition. Not necessarily in a bad way, but our lives just aren’t what we thought they would be by our 40s.
As our children become parents and we enter the last few decades of our lives, we may experience loss and loneliness. The elderly woman sitting at home waiting for a phone call or visit from her busy son. An elderly man roaming the halls of his retirement community searching for companionship and conversation. All of life’s experiences don’t erase the desire, because the desire is rooted in our very make up. Humans want to be seen . Humans want to be known.
For those who are willing to really reflect upon our actions, words, and motivations, we realize with great clarity that the times when we truly felt seen and known wasn’t by our spouses, kids, churches, bosses, or friends. The seeing eyes of Jesus and knowing that He loves us regardless of how well we perform is the reason we have felt moments of being known and seen. The knowing and seeing produces in us freedom. Freedom to be ourselves. Freedom to fail. Freedom to try.
Jesus sees us and knows us. He likes us. He cherishes us. He adores us. He loves us.
Jesus sees and knows us. He walks with us. He reclines at our table with us. He provides comfort and rejoices with us. He is there the entire time, ever present. It is me that needs to notice His presence. It is me that needs to look around and give thanks. It is me that that needs to create space to develop my relationship with Jesus. It is me that needs to adjust who I am seeking attention from and change my focus. It is me that must be willing to show my hopes and hurts to the One who is standing beside me. It is me that must humble myself and with great vulnerability reach out and touch the hem of his outer garment. It is me that needs to boldly ask for healing. It is me that must ask questions, seek answers, and express my confusion. It is me that must direct my attention-seeking behaviors to the One who sees and knows me best. It is me.
Jesus has always been in the business of seeing and knowing. It isn’t a thing of the past. It wasn’t just for John, Peter, and their friends. The seeing and knowing is meant for me too. It is meant for you.
Shifting my perspective and focusing on an audience of One, I open my hands and offer all of me. To be seen and known, it starts with me.
acrophobia & my mountain
Cable cars
Zip lines
Balconies
Sweating palms
Racing heart
Quickening breath
Missed shared adventures
Unrealized opportunities
Lost experiences
Regret
Doubt
Cowardice
When I think of a fear that I have allowed to control my choices, it is without a doubt my fear of heights. Acrophobia is an extreme or irrational fear or phobia of heights. Fear incites physical reactions as a way to warn you of a possible danger. I am in danger of falling and dying, so it would be wiser to not get on the cable car. Interestingly if the adventure doesn’t require my presence, then I happily send them up the mountain. “Enjoy your trip! Have fun! Take pictures!” But if my child is standing next to me and leans on the railing of the balcony, my instinct is to grab her and pull her to safety.
This fear is one that I am comfortable with having for the rest of my life. I know that I am missing out on some amazing shared experiences with my family, but it is a cost I am willing to pay. When I weigh the experience to the impending death by falling, I choose to live.
But, then…
I watch our little girl look at every piece of food before she puts it into her mouth because she is afraid that she will accidentally eat something that will kill her. I reassure her that even if she accidentally swallows a tick while brushing the horse, she will not die from it. I have her search the internet for how much hair a normal person swallows in a year because I need her to understand that it is inevitable, and it will NOT kill her. (By the way, the results of that search are absolutely disgusting!) I soothe her late at night because her heart is racing and she is afraid of dying. I see her fear interfering with her ability to live her life normally.
The difference between her fear and mine is that I can avoid heights, but she cannot avoid eating.
So when I send her up the mountain in the cable car while I wait in the car, I have an overwhelming understanding. I am modeling a spirit of fear, not a spirit of power.
“For God did not give us a spirit of timidity or cowardice or fear, but [He has given us a spirit] of power and of love and of sound judgment and personal discipline [abilities that result in a calm, well-balanced mind and self-control].”
I may not face my fear for me, but I sure as hell will face it for her.
For days, I have a knowing in my gut. I need to face that mountain. And, I need to face it with my daughter by my side. I, with great vulnerability, need to model a spirit of power. I know that I not only need to go up the mountain, but I need to show her with words and actions how to face a fear.
And so we went up...
Scott and the girls have been before, and this was the first time there was a significant wait. More time to think, to be nervous, and to chant “God has not given me a spirit of fear, but a spirit of power, love, and a sound mind.” (Over and over and over I chanted that truth as I tried to combat the thoughts of “we are definitely going to fall!”) After 45 minutes, we make it to the landing to wait for the cable car. Zoey reassures me, holding my hand, and asking me if I was nervous. We walk into the cable car with ten other people and begin the ascent. It is a beautiful view - the ocean, the city of Puerto Plata, and the beautiful lushiness of Mount Isabel. Not sure where to keep my eyes. Should I look at the horizon or try and take in the view? Looking down at the trees seems like a great idea until it isn’t. When we are at least 3/4 finished, the clouds become more dense, and we can no longer see anything. Zero visibility. I can hear the wind whistling outside, and the cable car just keeps on going. At this point, I am trying to figure out why in the world they wanted a cable car without seats. I would prefer to face my fear sitting down! And, then we are there.
There is a statue of Jesus at the top of Mt. Isabel. Welcoming us to Puerto Plata, but Zoey says it is for me - Jesus saying welcome and you made it! Scott assures me that the view is usually something amazing, but we can’t see the city or the ocean because of the fog. We walk around. Take pictures. Eat some ice cream. I want to explore a little because it is my first time, but to be completely honest, I am also trying to buy some time before we go back down.
When it is time to go, the wind has picked up and the visibility has not improved. Again, we must wait before a car is available. The what-ifs and fearful thoughts are much more persistent. I know logically that if we made it up, then we will make it down. But there is something about not being able to see where we are going that makes it seem much more ominous. Distracting myself in the line with pictures and messages to the Bigs. On the way down, I am afraid. I remind myself that God has given me a spirit of a sound mind. A mind that can remind me of truth. A mind that can grab a hold of logic and reason. A mind that does not think for itself. A sound mind that is filled with truth. Yet, I stand in the corner breathing a little faster. Eyes tightly closed. Holding Zoey’s hand. Holding Scott’s hand. Because I am NOT enjoying the trip down - at all. I feel the burning in my throat knowing the tears are threatening to pool over, but here is what stopped the full blown panic attack. Zoey needs to see me strong. Stronger than my fear. She needs to see me do hard things. She needs me to be courageous in the midst of the fear.
When we break through the clouds and we can see again, I feel myself breathing a little easier. As we walk to the car, I am proud of myself for doing something hard. I am hopeful that our outing will serve as a reminder to Zoey the next time she is feeling afraid. Yet, I realize a hard truth. We will need to go up that mountain again. Going up once does not end the fear. Facing that mountain over and over and retraining my brain to rely on the spirit of power, love, and a sound mind will lessen the hold. Creating positive (non-death) experiences involving heights will rewire my brain. Slowly. Over time. Isn’t that how we overcome many of our fears? It is rarely a one time event or experience. So I commit to doing the work because I don’t want to be enslaved to fear. I will do the hard work because I want Zoey to live in freedom with me. If I ask her to do the hard things, then it has to start with me.
pain in my neck
Reaching up to rub the right side of my neck and shoulder, I wonder what is causing me to feel stressed. My tell-tell sign that something is going on is that consistent tension in my neck and shoulders. It is my body’s way of telling me that something is off. Interestingly, my mind rarely notices the stress first. It is almost always my body.
Despite the pain in my neck and tension in my shoulders, I would not have described myself as an anxious person. Last week, I had a huge a-ha moment while reading Raising Worry-Free Girls by Sissy Goff. (A book that I picked up to read because I am a parent to children with anxiety.)
““I don’t feel anxious on a daily basis. But I’m a classic type A personality - a One on the Enneagram. The older I get, the more I come to believe individuals who are type A deal with a little (or a lot of) baseline anxiety. And our productivity, efficiency, and organization are all systems to keep our worlds in control. They’re how we manage our anxiety or keep it at bay so it doesn’t take over. They’re how we make our worlds work.” (pages 52-53)”
What? I am a Type A and an Enneagram One. I make lists. I thrive with structure. I am organized. What if I have controlled my anxiety with all of the lists and structure? What would happen if the items on the lists never were checked off? What would happen if the structure collapsed? Would my outward behaviors shift to more “typical” anxiety behaviors? The truth is that I am beginning to realize that in so many ways I believe Sissy Goff’s statement is true for me. So when I feel the pain in my neck, I need to call it what it is and address it. Addressing it may still require structure and routine, but it also requires me to name it. I am experiencing this tension in my neck and shoulders because I am feeling anxious about _______________.
Seemingly normal, stress-free days still result with a pain in my neck. With the realization that my body is telling me that my mind is not being truthful to me, I began taking five action steps to help relieve the tension in my neck and shoulders and investigate why I am feeling anxious.
Ask - What is happening right now that might make me feel stressed/worried? Am I thinking about something that just happened or might happen later? I spend some time reflecting and not simply denying what is happening.
Breathe and stretch - I practice breathing. Inhaling and holding for 3 seconds, exhaling and holding for 3 seconds, and repeating. Concentrating on my breath helps me to focus on the present. I also need to stretch my neck. I am having a physical reaction to the stress/anxiety; therefore, I need to address it physically. I cannot begin to tell you how many times I have turned my head the wrong way and pulled the muscles in my neck. And it happens because my neck and shoulders are already so tight.
Share - I have invited a couple of people into this process. They know that when I feel pain and tightness in my neck and shoulders, it is a result of something else happening. They also know that I often cannot put it together - the physical with what is happening in my mind. When I share what is happening with my body, they ask me questions. They are in close proximity to what my daily life looks like, so they are able to point me towards possible stress. By allowing others into the process, I have gained other anxiety detectives to help me uncover the why of a very real physical pain.
Be still - I strive to be still twice a day for at least five minutes at a time. My goal is to be still first thing in the morning, so I can take stock of how my body feels and track where my mind is wandering. Then I try to grab a second time of stillness in the late afternoon. When I am practicing stillness, I set a timer and find a quiet spot. I practice my controlled breathing. I take a mental assessment of my body from my head to my toes. Is my jaw clenched? (Almost always the answer is yes!) Are my shoulders inching their way up to my ears? How is my neck? Am I experiencing looping thoughts about something that happened during my day? The practice of stillness is something new for me, but it is one way for me to slow down and really assess what is happening in my body and mind.
Journal - I process the thoughts in my head through words. I need to write the words down. I need to remind myself to be thankful. (I always write one thing I am thankful for at the top of the journal page.) I need to list out my requests before God; otherwise, I obsessively think about them - worry. Once I have released the worries, thoughts, and prayers on paper, I can let them go (at least for today). I need to remind myself of the goodness of God by praising Him - who He is, His character, His provision, and His sovereignty. I need to write out all of the thoughts swirling in my head, create lists, make a plan, and process.
I want the daily tension and pain in my neck to go away. I want to deal with my anxiety in a healthy and productive way. I don’t want to force the worry into hiding because there it will remain always lurking. I want to model freedom for my girls. Freedom from the anxiety. Freedom from fears. Freedom from worries. Listening to my body and addressing the underlying issues, I am owning the process. It starts with me.
The Golden Rule
The America I am observing today is…
Divisive
Polarizing
Unkind
Judgmental
Fearful
All or Nothing
Because of what I am observing and experiencing, I feel
A deep longing, pulling me towards Jesus
A desire to know Jesus more
A fire in my belly to be bold and speak truth
A conviction to stand with the oppressed
A longing for what was but an understanding that it wasn’t real
I knew that 2021 was to be a year of Just Jesus. A year for me to really read and reflect on Jesus, His life, and His teachings. A year to ask myself how would Jesus speak and act. A year to quiet the other voices and make His voice louder, clearer.
I also knew that 2021 was to be a year where I would be challenged to be bold. A year to speak even if my conservative Christian friends might not understand. A year to speak even if it meant I might disrupt the peace some, shake up what people thought of me, and perhaps find myself losing “friends” on social media.
In my Just Jesus time this week, I read (and re-read) the Golden Rule.
“So whatever you wish that others would do to you, do also to them, for this is the Law and the Prophets.”
“And as you wish that others would do to you, do so to them.””
Simple words. Simple command. And yet I see America and the American church struggling to live the Golden Rule. I see political differences, lifestyle differences, and interpretation of Scripture differences becoming the measurement by which we deem others worthy of being treated with dignity and kindness.
I think it is important to remind ourselves that what Jesus, our rabbi (teacher), taught was truth for all people. However, the commands and promises were written for those who have chosen to follow Jesus. We canNOT hold unbelievers to a standard by which they canNOT live. It is hard enough for the believer to speak and act the way Jesus instructs us, and we have the Holy Spirit to guide us. To convict us. To correct us. To provide hope to us. It is hard enough for the believer to put aside personal preferences and desires, and we know that the promises of God are for us. The way we are tearing down, mistreating, and vilifying the unbeliever because they cannot follow our moral, religious expectations is unfair and damaging to the Kingdom of God.
I strongly believe that God has called me to two things: 1) To love God and to actively know Him more. 2) To love and serve others. And I try to live out the Great Commission every single day.
“Go therefore and make disciples of all the nations [help the people to learn of Me, believe in Me, and obey My words], baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit”
“Jesus, undeterred, went right ahead and gave his charge: “God authorized and commanded me to commission you: Go out and train everyone you meet, far and near, in this way of life, marking them by baptism in the threefold name: Father, Son, and Holy Spirit. Then instruct them in the practice of all I have commanded you. I’ll be with you as you do this, day after day after day, right up to the end of the age.”
As I am doing life and going about being mom, wife, friend, and neighbor, I will disciple others. I will live my life in such a way that my actions demonstrate Jesus. I will place myself in proximity to those who may or may not call Jesus the Messiah. I will place myself in the proximity of those who are different than me. I will not thump them over the head with my Bible. I will not turn my nose up at them because of their dress, hair, tattoos, or political affiliation. I will be a light in the darkness, and I will be a light among the light. I will walk alongside those who do not yet know where this light comes from. I will disciple and walk alongside those who have found the light and need to commune with other light holders. Reminding myself daily that it is not my job to determine who belongs and who does not. I am simply supposed to go about doing life and discipling others. The Holy Spirit is the one who is in the business of making the disciples.
As I am living my life, I seek wisdom from God’s Word as to how I can be a vehicle for the Light. So that I can shine brightly and provide a guiding light for others. The Golden Rule, the guiding rule on how to treat others, is one of the most useful rules as to how to gain the right to be in relationship with others so that I can disciple. Because I treat someone with kindness, I earn the right to share my faith.
“Treat others the same way you want them to treat you.”
“Here is a simple, rule-of-thumb guide for behavior: Ask yourself what you want people to do for you, then grab the initiative and do it for them. Add up God’s Law and Prophets and this is what you get.”
“So then, in everything treat others the same way you want them to treat you, for this is [the essence of] the Law and the [writings of the] Prophets”
A few observations
The first step begins with me. I am not waiting to see how others treat me in order to determine how I am going to treat them. The “initiative” begins with me. How many times have I heard someone justify their ugliness on social media because the other side is also ugly, corrupt, or unkind? How many times have I heard “everyone is doing it, every media source, every politician, every church is doing it, saying it, and reacting to it, so why shouldn’t I?” Where are the people who are grabbing the initiative and treating others, speaking to and about others, and serving others in such away that is filled with light, truth, and hope? For those who feel they are being attacked and vilified, ask yourself - are you being treated the very way you have been treating others?
The Old Testament Law existed for a very specific purpose. The Law existed in order to provide ways to remain in a right relationship with God first and then with others. The Law was a guide for God’s people, for Israel. The Law provided structure for how humans should behave and co-exist in community with one another. The Law taught God’s people how to repent and return to God. How I treat others is one way to remain in a right relationship with God and with others. How I treat others is a reflection of my heart and my understanding of what it means to love God and to love others.
The Prophets spoke to God’s people…to Israel. The Prophets corrected God’s people, provided a way to course correct, and warned them of God’s judgment and the consequence of their sin. The Prophets shared hope of the coming Messiah. The Prophets spoke truth over and over to God’s people. The truth that they were to return to God, be faithful to God, and be obedient to God. The Prophets guided God’s people back to Him. How I treat others is one way I will be held accountable before God. In John 13:35, Jesus says that others will know that we are Christ’s disciples “if you have love and unselfish concern for one another.” When I don’t grab the initiative and treat others as God commands us to, I will experience the consequence for my disobedience. He will always point out my sin, demand my repentance, and then guide me back to a faithful, obedient relationship with Him.
In everything. “So then, in everything, treat others the same way you want them to treat you”. In everything. There are NO exceptions.
How do I want to be treated?
With respect
With kindness
With understanding
With love
With grace
With mercy
With forgiveness
How should I treat those who agree with me AND those who do not?
With respect
With kindness
With understanding
With love
With grace
With mercy
With forgiveness
I want so very much for humans to be kind to one another. For their to be justice. For people to do the right thing. What Jesus continues to teach me is that it starts with me. I should not, cannot, wait for others to act first. My desire to be treated kindly, with grace, must start with me treating others with kindness and grace. It starts with me.
The Power of Her Voice
Clarifying something before I begin… I am not hating on men, diminishing their voice, or trying to say that they are clueless. I simply want to share observations and offer a suggestion. And acknowledge that what I’m suggesting is happening in some places, around some tables. Kudos!
Who is sitting at the table?
Whose voices are we leaning in to hear?
Whose stories are we listening to and learning from?
The table is the place where decisions are made. The table is the place where debate happens and compromise is reached. The table is the place where the leaders gather. Closing the door to the room, they sit around the table and they make decisions for the collective group. The table symbolizes power, leadership, direction, change, and exclusivity. This table exists in homes, businesses, churches, nonprofits, and government. This table, whether you are at it or not, is a thing you know about. It exists. The decisions that come from this table affect you. Their impact is felt.
Who is sitting at the table? Is there a woman at that table? In 2020, 50.4% of the world population is male and 49.6% is female. Yet, women continue to be underrepresented at the table. Why? I am sure there is a litany of reasons why. Yes, things are better now than they were centuries ago, but instead of being ok with what is, I want us to want more. To expect more. To demand more. One of the biggest hurdles for women to get to that table is that the men sitting at table really like the table just as it is. Change will only happen when the ones sitting at the table do two things: (1) someone willingly stands up from their chair and leaves the room and (2) the men remaining invite a woman to take a seat. Better yet, what if multiple men would get up, so those seats could be filled with women.
When a woman is present at the table, she juggles two expectations. Her conflict resides in the need to fully represent the females that have been excluded and the cultural expectations for her to not be too loud, bold, and demanding. Typically when a woman boldly uses her voice, she is labeled “emotional.” But when a man uses his voice, he is praised for his passion. Men interrupting, speaking over, and always having the “right” answer is often seen as being an assertive, strong leader. He out-talks. He out-performs. Others listen because his confidence is seen as knowledge and expertise. But a woman interrupting, speaking over, or offering the “right” answer is rarely viewed as anything other than a nuisance. She is put back into her place with various tools - smirks, condescending words, and dismissive body language.
Whose voice are we leaning in to hear? Have we invited the woman to the table so we can pat ourselves on the back and prove to others that we are progressive? Or have we invited her to the table because we believe what she says has value? When the debates begin, opinions are shared, and the compromises are made, are the men quieting their voices so that she can speak? Are the men leaning in to hear her perspective and seeking to understand the wisdom that God has placed in her? A confident woman could try to out-talk the men, but what would happen if she simply just spoke and the men listened? The simple act of leaning in to hear her voice does two things. It demonstrates that you are listening to and valuing what she says, and the posture reminds your brain that you are listening to understand and not simply forming your rebuttal. How might the compromises and decisions change if what she said was included? If we would lean in, how might lives in homes, in businesses, in churches, in nonprofits, and in government change to positively affect the entire population and not simply just half of it?
There is something tricky that happens in ministries (churches and nonprofits) that complicates this situation. When Jesus-loving men are the ones sitting at the table, how can we really challenge their motivations, decisions, and approaches? They love all people. They value women. They want to do the right thing. They know all the right things to say. Their motivations seem pure and correct. They stand on centuries of tradition and stand-alone scriptures that justify their beliefs that men have their roles and women have theirs. I am the first to admit that I often revert to a traditional, submissive posture. It is what I have been taught and modeled by those before me.
Confession: A few weeks ago, a concern was brought to me about how sharing a specific story in our community might have a negative impact. I was asked to do some research to see how the community might feel and react. My initial reaction was to ask two local male leaders what they thought. Would these men have an opinion? Yes, of course they would. However, a nagging thought remained. Why did I ask these two men instead of going to the ones who know what people would say, how they would react, and the impact that could be had? The truth is, generally women have a better understanding of what is happening in their homes and in their communities. They traditionally are the ones caring for the children, extended family, and neighbors. They are the ones making sure their families are fed. Homes cleaned. Food bought. Children clothed. They tend to know what is happening in their neighbors’ lives. They are the ones who are thinking obsessively about their children’s education and future. They are the ones who lay there at night worrying. List making. Problem solving. They are the ones wiping foreheads, praying for the fever to go down. It isn’t that the men don’t have experiences, opinions or perspectives, but rather their experiences, opinions, and perspectives are different than the women’s.
Whose stories are we listening to and learning from? Acknowledging that her story is different than the story of her husband’s/brother’s/father’s is imperative. We aren’t lifting one story over another, but we are simply allowing both stories to be heard and considered. When we create church programs or community initiatives, are we giving the women’s stories and perspectives equal weight? Are we attentively listening to things they observe and ideas they have that could positively impact their children, marriages, families, and communities? Do we enter into these conversations with an agenda and our decisions already made, or are we entering with an open mind? Collecting stories, hearing their hearts, filing away their many ideas, and treasuring their hopes for a better future. Women have so much to offer, if we would simply listen and allow ourselves to learn from them.
The problem is far bigger and more complex than I truly understand. The wide gap between male influence and power and female influence and power is far grander than I can really imagine. And rather than throwing in the towel and saying “it is better than it was” or “it is just too big for us”, I want to offer both men and women an action step towards change.
Men: May you offer a seat at the table and give a space for her voice to be heard. The seat you offer may be your very own seat or perhaps it requires you to pull up a few more chairs even if it makes things a little crowded. In order for her voice to be heard, you may have to bite your tongue. Change your perspective. Challenge your beliefs. Remember at the end of the day, we want the same things - healthy children, marriages, families, communities, businesses, nonprofits, churches, and governments. The sacrifice you are making will be well worth it. Strength is not found in the man who demands or dominates, but it is found in the man who is willing to sacrifice his power and wants for the greater good of others. That is true strength.
Women: May you speak with confidence and boldness when you are sitting at the table. Use your voice. Speak truth. Don’t sit in that seat timid and scared tied to traditional, cultural norms. But rather sit in the seat as though you belong there, because you do. You have so much to offer. You have a story and perspective that needs to be shared. It must be included when the decisions are being made. And when you feel small or insignificant, please know that there are women who have come before you and are coming after you who are cheering for you. May your stories be heard, and may they change the world.
There is power in her voice. We struggle with traditional roles. The patriarchy. The cultural norms. We all wrestle with what is and what should be. But at the end of the day, I know that there is power in her voice. So when it is time for me to speak and use my voice, I will. When I hear her speak, I will listen. Cheer for her. Encourage her. Advocate for her. The seats at the table can change, and I can play a role in who sits there. It starts with me.
Listening before speaking.
Listening before speaking. It isn’t something that comes easily for me because I have lots of opinions. I have a deep desire to offer advice, fix the problem, and correct the “wrong” thinking.
Listening before speaking. My mouth is hands down my biggest flaw. It is the thing that gets me into the most trouble. How many times do I walk away from a conversation and wish that I had just kept my mouth shut?
Listening before speaking. The words coming out of my mouth are often the root of some of my biggest regrets. Spewing opinions, advice, and judgment without truly hearing what was being said has resulted in so many lost opportunities.
Listening before speaking. Knowing full well that this is what Hubs and the kids want the most from me, yet I speak too quickly. Waking up in the morning wishing I had just kept my mouth shut and given the space for Hubs to share and process. Realizing that although I have opinions and ideas, I am not an expert and I don’t know everything. How can I know what they need and want and not practice listening to them - really listening?
Listening before speaking. The speaking part is so easy. The questions and thoughts bubble to the surface at a rapid pace. The art of listening, however, is one that I have not mastered. Reigning the thoughts and questions in and focusing on the words being spoken seems doable. Simple. Yet… I speak.
“So when you are listening to somebody, completely, attentively, then you are listening not only to the words, but also to the feeling of what is being conveyed, to the whole of it, not part of it.”
Listening before speaking. Everyone wants to feel seen. Known. Heard. Truly listening to what someone is saying is a beautiful gift that I can give them.
“Listen. People start to heal the moment they feel heard.”
Listening before speaking. The more someone feels heard, the more likely they are to share again. The more they share, the more opportunities I will have to encourage and speak truth. After a few times of feeling not heard, judged, and spoken over, they will stop sharing anything of significance. Our interactions will become social pleasantries.
Listening before speaking. As I spend time with Jesus through prayer, journaling, and reading Scripture, I realize that a very small portion of that time is dedicated to listening. Listening to the still small voice. Listening to the heart of Jesus. Listening for guidance. Truth. Direction. Conviction.
“God speaks in the silence of the heart. Listening is the beginning of prayer. ”
Listening before speaking. Focusing on the words, emotions, and reasons for sharing requires me to change some behaviors. Look them in the eyes. Nod my head. Smile and encourage them to continue. Don’t help the story along with what I think they might say or why they are saying it. Letting them have space to process out loud without me doing the processing for them. Don’t interrupt. Remind myself it isn’t a battle of words. My words can wait.
Listening before speaking. Keeping judgments to myself. Reminding myself that just because something is my truth, doesn’t mean it is everyone’s truth. Just because I live my life by certain standards, moral codes, and biblical truths doesn’t mean that the person speaking has made those same choices or adopted the same standard. Instead of judging what their words are and creating my rebuttal, I need to hear them. Try to see it from their perspective. Listening and seeking to gain understanding doesn't mean that I am changing my convictions. It simply means that I am really listening.
Listening before speaking. When it is time to speak, I need to be intentional with my words. Speak back to them what I heard them say. Ask questions to help them to continue to process. Keep my opinion to myself unless they ask for it. Encourage them. Say “I am so very sorry” when they are hurting. Don’t “one up” them with my own problems and stories.
Listening before speaking. When a hard truth needs to be spoken, I should take a deep breath and make sure that I am speaking with kindness. Are my words filled with grace? Is my tone loving? Does my face match what is coming out of my mouth?
“Do not let unwholesome words ever come out of your mouth, but only such speech as is good for building up others, according to the need and the occasion, so that it will be a blessing to those who hear.”
Listening before speaking. It is what I am looking for in a friend. I want to be heard. Seen. But I cannot expect something from someone that I am unwilling or unable to do myself. I understand the value in listening before speaking. If it is something I value, then I must put forth effort. Practice. Be intentional. What I am desiring from others is the very thing that I must give. It starts with me, so I will lean in and quietly listen.
Slightly obsessed.
This blog post contains Amazon affiliate links.
I am 45 years old and there has been a slight shift in the ways I spend my money and time. A few new obsessions and I am trying to figure out 1) why and 2) is it ok?
Skin Care
I have spent more money on skincare this past year than I ever have in my entire life. Let me be clear, it isn’t a ton of money, but it is more than the normal spending on MY FACE. I watch Youtube videos, listen to podcasts, research practices and best economical products. Ten years ago, I only washed my face while in the shower - once a day. Now I have a morning and bedtime routine with multiple steps. In fact, there are so many steps that I had to write them down on index cards. With all of the oils and lotions, I go to sleep looking like you could fry an egg on my face! Why? If I am honest with myself, I realized a few years ago that I needed to do something because I am aging and my face was beginning to show it. I had never done research or asked questions before, so there was actual learning to be done. The truth is that every podcast, blog, and Youtube video pushes products because that is how they make an income. And I fell for it. I dropped those products into my Amazon wishlist and every payday I would just buy one thing at a time. Slowly assembling various products and tools to correct and reverse the aging process. Ha! What a silly little girl I am because you cannot actually reverse the aging process. Although that is true, what is also true is that I like it. I like the process. The routine, the smells, and the effects are calming and have created bookends to my days - a rhythm in the morning and at night that bring me joy. So is it ok? I think yes, but I have pressed pause on purchasing skincare products and cosmetics for 6 months. During this period of time, I will assess what I truly need and want. After all, it is really about my true motivation and moderation.
My favorite two skincare products:
Paula’s Choice facial cleanser is AMAZING!
Maelove’s Glow Maker, an antioxidant serum, is my favorite step in the process.
Clothing, shoes, and hats
This obsession isn’t really about having more. Rather, it is more about wanting to LIKE what I wear. I have always enjoyed shoes… it is what I was known for when I taught school. Girls wanted to see which shoes I was wearing, and the shoes helped me add a personal style to my simple wardrobe. When we moved to the Dominican Republic, I bought a hat to wear on the beach. I loved it. Such a simple and affordable accessory to add to my mix of what I enjoy. Hats are one of those things that other women would wear and I thought that I could never pull it off. I am still not sure I can, but I have decided that if a 45 year old woman wants to wear a hat, then she should just wear the dang hat. So I do! I love them! I don’t need more clothes, but in this stage of life, what I want is to really like my clothing. I think the obsession about what I am wearing stems from two things. First, my desire to look my best and to feel good in my skin as I grow older. I have TWO adult children, but I don’t want to feel and look old - not yet. Secondly, I have been a momma for almost 22 years. That’s over two decades of making sacrifices with my own wants because I will always choose to spend our money on our kids. Always. As I age, I am becoming more and more comfortable with spending just a little money on me. Is it ok? Gosh, I don’t know. Perhaps it all comes down to balance. I will continue to be a good steward of the money God is providing our family. Controlling impulse buys. Spending wisely. I am still trying to wrap my head around - am I trying to run away from aging? Honestly, I am not sure I know the answer to that at this point, but I will keep evaluating my motivation and perhaps that is good enough for now.
My favorite two recent purchases -
Scott’s mom gifted Adidas Grand Court Sneakers to me for Christmas. I absolutely love them.
I love this hat, and I would wear it every single day if I could!!
Books
My love for reading is NOT a new thing. I am an avid reader and have been for as long as I can remember. At this point in my life, I read in order to be informed and for entertainment. Consuming books at a rapid rate for well over a year caused me to stop and ask myself why. Without a doubt, when I want to know more about something, I will read about it. It is my preferred way to learn. I love stories and discovering other perspectives and experiences, and it is possible through autobiographies, memoirs, and essay collections. I read fiction as a form of entertainment. My television watching decreased dramatically this past year as the reading increased. I love how storytellers string words together to walk the reader through the story of fictional characters. Feeling what they feel. I love reading. Is it ok that I am spending more and more hours reading? On the surface, I would say yes. Why not? Reading isn’t a bad thing. However, there is this little nagging conviction in the pit of my stomach. What if I am using fiction as a way to escape. To numb out. To not deal with life. To not be present. I cannot say for certain if that is true for me, but I do know that I need to spend some time evaluating if my whys are true and healthy. (Full disclosure - 99% of the books I read are library downloads and my Kindle Paperwhite is without a doubt my favorite thing!)
My favorite two recent reads -
Here for It: Or How to Save your Soul in America
by R. Eric Thomas.
Not only did he make me laugh out loud, I appreciated stepping into someone else's shoes and seeing the world and the church through a different perspective. It is the only book that I sent to my daughter, Emma Grace, and my sister-in-law, Christi, because I wanted to share his words with them!
The Virgin River book series by Robyn Carr.
The Virgin River book series by Robyn Carr. It is not a new series, but I discovered the series a little over a year ago. Easy reads. Everyone lives happily ever after. Simple entertainment. A way to escape for just a few hours. (Netflix has adapted the series into a television show. Same characters but they have taken liberty with the storyline. I enjoy the show, but it doesn’t replace the book series!)
There is no answer to whether or not any of my forty-something obsessions are good and healthy. I still need to do some processing. I need to continue to have self check-ins to keep them under control. But it is interesting to me that all three of these obsessions are very much about me. I feel the shift in my life as I realize that it is ok to not be the mommy martyr. It is more than ok to do something just for me. It is all about balance, right? As long as I am not just consumed with my face, clothes, and books, then it’s ok. I just need to make sure that I am also spending time knowing Jesus more. Serving and loving my family. Thinking of others. Taking action to truly know and encourage others. For decades I would tell myself it isn’t all about me. But today, I am also believing it can sometimes be about me.
one word
Each year I chose a word. One word to help keep me focused. A word that best summarizes my goals or an area of change or growth. In November, I create a page in my journal where I list every word that comes to mind. Throughout the month of December, I process the year I am leaving and dream and plan for the year that I am entering. As I process and evaluate, I begin to narrow down the word list. Eventually, I begin to see a pattern, and one word will rise to the top. I take this one word and create a word map. I put the word in the center of the page and around it I list every area of my life. Marriage. Ministry. Job. Writing. Mothering. Family. Health. Spiritual. Emotional. As I connect these areas to that one word, I write how I want to see that word manifest itself in each area.
In years past, my words included community, intentional, overflow, and purpose. This year, the word that rose to the top causes me just a little anxiety. I am a tad afraid to share it. I can feel it in my bones that this year’s word will challenge me because it requires confidence and the willingness to allow others to see me. Really see me. I have spent my life trying to be a good girl and that means that more times than not I walk the line between what I want to do and what I want to say and what I believe are the expectations of those around me. It is easier to keep peace. It is easier to not speak up. It is easier to do what I have always done rather than do what I need to do. It is easier to blend into the background, sit on the back row, and walk a few steps behind others. This year is the year for me to be BOLD.
Bold.
(of a person, action, or idea) showing an ability to take risks; confident and courageous. (Oxford)
Risks for me include anything I may not do perfectly. It is intrinsically part of who I am that trying to do something new causes me to whither and become small. I watch my daughters tackle hard, new things in spite of their fear. They may be nervous, but they do it. I want that kind of boldness.
Risks for me include worrying what someone will think of me. Will they like me? I find that I only share my thoughts and feelings to a select few. This selection process means that many feel as though they don’t really know me because I am always holding back. It also means that so many assume that because I am quiet that I must agree with them. Boldly speaking and sharing means that I have to come to terms that there will be some who are surprised. Their opinions of me will change. But perhaps my boldness will encourage others who, like me, are also keeping it all in and remaining silent.
Risks for me include everyday activities like driving to the grocery store, speaking my limited Spanish to a neighbor, and serving our community. Risks for me include writing even if it is only for me. Risks for me include making friends despite the losses I had in 2020.
One of the things I feel most led to do is to encourage others. I know firsthand how an encouraging word provides just enough of a push to try something new. Serving and loving our missionaries is one of my favorite things. Sharing biblical truth about marriage, parenting, and being a child of God remains heavy on my heart. In each of these areas, I must be BOLD, but it also requires me to EMBOLDEN those I serve.
Embolden.
give (someone) the courage or confidence to do something or to behave in a certain way. (Oxford)
What a privilege it is to EMBOLDEN someone else by speaking words of encouragement and truth. When they are unsure of their gifts and abilities, I have the opportunity to point out how amazing they are and how desperately we need them to take action. What an honor it is to see someone walk into who God has designed them to be and the good works He has prepared for them. What a responsibility. One I do not take lightly.
Being BOLD seems difficult enough, but last week I realized that the challenge this year may not come from being BOLD. The challenge may in fact be offering grace and mercy as I step into BOLDNESS. The challenge may be that as I strive to EMBOLDEN others I will need to be patient and loving.
This year’s word has many layers.
As I wake up each morning, I will speak these words.
May I be bold because I follow a bold Jesus.
May I speak boldly, but may the words be full of truth and grace.
May I model boldness by striving to imitate Jesus.
May I embolden others to be the very best versions of themselves.
The year 2021 is my year to be BOLD.
Just Jesus.
Leaning into the Word of God and wrestling with what is true means that I am pushing myself to take a new approach during my time with Jesus this coming year. For years, my quiet time has consisted of reading the Bible (I try to read it once through every year to a year and a half), completing Bible studies, and journaling my prayers. All of these activities have been good, the fruit exists, and my love affair with the Word of God continues. Yet, a feeling of discontentment is bubbling up. A strong desire for alignment of my world perspective, my passion for social justice, and the truth of God’s Word compels me to try something new this year.
It seems obvious, but I recently realized how little of my year is committed to studying the life of Jesus. I understand that the entire Bible is pointing to Jesus, so technically, I am studying Jesus throughout the year; however, the time I spend diving into and dissecting the Gospels is merely a blip. I want more. I need more.
I call myself a disciple of Jesus. I ask myself what would Jesus do. But at the end of the day, how well do I know Jesus? Who is He? Who were his friends and disciples? What did He say? How did He feel? What actions did He take? How do the four Gospels work together? How are they the same? In what ways are they different? Who am I to Jesus? How do I learn to love God and love others with a mindset tuned into Jesus?
One of my favorite sections in scripture is the Sermon on the Mount. It is ALL Jesus, and He is just laying out truth after truth. Just before Jesus begins preaching, Matthew sets the scene…
“Seeing the crowds, he went up on the mountain, and when he sat down, his disciples came to him. And he opened his mouth and taught them”
Jesus’s friends, disciples, and the curious were sitting along the hillside. I imagine them jockeying for the best position and leaning in desperately wanting to hear what this new Rabbi had to say. He told stories, spoke truth, confirmed some of their beliefs, and completely turned some of their beliefs and traditions upside down. He spoke against the establishment and righted wrong thinking. Men quieted their voices, so His could be heard. Women calmed their environment by busying the hands of their children with stones and sticks because they didn’t want to miss what He was teaching. I want to sit still, quiet my voice, and calm my environment. I want Jesus. Just Jesus.
Jesus as my Rabbi - my teacher - requires me to sit at His feet and listen to His teaching. Jesus as my Shepherd requires me to take what He teaches and follow His leading. Jesus as my friend means that I need to develop a relationship with Him where I seek to intimately know Him. Jesus as my Redeemer, my Messiah, my Savior forces me to truly understand who He is and what His sacrifice means for me. It provides opportunity for me to evaluate who I am, what I believe, and the things I say and do.
Setting aside the time.
Inviting Jesus to teach me. To speak to me.
Walking with others so that we can encourage and challenge one another.
Striving to become more like Jesus.
Listening to His voice.
Asking questions.
Reading His word.
Opening my heart and mind to discern the truth.
Slowing down and resting in the presence of Jesus.
Seeking Jesus. Just Jesus.
Rediscovering Jesus and experiencing Him in a new way, I choose to change it up. Try something different. The discontentment with how I have always spent my time with Jesus is pointing me towards hyper focusing on Jesus. Just Jesus. I believe that there is so much left for me to discover, and it is my choice to take active steps towards pulling back the layers. Because of Jesus, my time with Him is never boring, always fulfilling (and convicting), and forever molding. It starts with me - actually, it starts with Jesus and it ends with Jesus. The year 2021 is my year of Just Jesus!
This Christmas I will choose to be present.
This Christmas
I will
be present
make sure I am in a few of the pictures
sit with my kids and just be still
say all the things I want to say
not take for granted the time we are together
observe and take note of the faces of those I love
play games
laugh
choose quality time over gifts
embrace the things that are important
let go of traditions that cause stress
choose joy
sit
listen to the stories of our parents
ask questions
pray more
savor the food prepared
acknowledge the small details
give thanks
return to the reason we celebrate
not assume that everything will be the same next year
hold Scott’s hand
allow Zoey and Scottie to continue to experience the magic of the season
hug Jacob and Emma Grace - more often, tighter, and for longer
cry when I feel emotional
say I love you
smile more
think before I speak
take in the moments and store them for later
look my people in the eye
lean in to the Spirit and follow His leading
slow down
be present
The year 2020
has taught me to not make assumptions and to change my expectations
has been one unlike any before in our lifetime
has highlighted the importance of slowing down, holding plans loosely, and not taking time with family for granted
has provided me with perspective
This Christmas I will choose to be present.
It’s not working.
Sitting on the floor with colorful sequins covering the ground, Zoey and two friends work on a craft project - sequin keychains. One of our friends brought her keychain to the table next to me and said, “It is too hard. It’s not working!” I asked her sister how the sequins were supposed to stay on and she said “it is sticky”. I felt the keychain and it is most definitely NOT sticky. Big sister scoots over, picks it up, and informs us that the sticky backing didn’t get removed. As soon as the back was peeled off, she was able to quickly place the sequins in the correct spots. Problem solved!
As I watched her assemble her craft with ease, I kept thinking of all the times I try to do something over and over and become frustrated because it is not working. I don’t know why. I cannot figure it out. All of my efforts are in vain because it is never going to work the way I am trying to do it.
The conversations I have had with teenageers where we talk in circles, not understanding what the other one is saying.
The way we are communicating about something in our marriage.
The impassioned discussions over politics, theology, or ethics.
The way I am discipling our children.
The way we handle conflict with the ones that are just a little more difficult.
The countless attempts to be healthier.
The deep desire to share my thoughts and feelings only to be misunderstood.
The failure to write the things I know I need to write.
The many goals never reached.
The list is endless - all the times I felt like I was banging my head against the wall because what I wanted to do, what I needed to do, wasn’t working. I couldn't make it happen by doing the same thing over and over expecting different results (I mean it is the definition of insane.)
But then, I invite someone into the situation.
I pause to ask for guidance.
I seek wise counsel from other parents or wives.
I do the research.
I make a different plan.
I seek a new perspective for the same problem/issue.
On the floor, I see a big sister reach over and give the younger sister guidance. “It isn’t working because you need to take the backing off.”
Who in my life have I invited in to give me advice and new perspective? Who in my life feels the freedom and permission to speak truth? Am I willing to see with new eyes? Am I willing to be vulnerable and not defensive?
It occurs to me that ultimately it is my choice. I can cultivate relationships where there are a few safe people who speak truth into my life because we have trust and respect for one another. I can also choose to keep my stuff to myself. I can hold my pride closely and not allow others to see where I am struggling or need help. It is my choice.
This week I commit to spending some time in prayer seeking God’s wisdom and discernment as I evaluate current relationships and determine who my people are. Do I need to invite others into the space of accountability, advice-giving, and truth-telling? If so, I need to have honest and vulnerable conversation as I invite them.
Choosing to not be frustrated while trying the same thing that isn’t working, I will take a cue from my friend and say in a safe space “It’s not working!”
at the end of the day
At the end of the day am I happy with my words and actions? Can I go to sleep knowing that I was the best possible version of me today? Did I speak kindly to my children? Did I love and serve my husband? Did I try to encourage someone with my words? Did I speak truth when truth needed to be spoken? Did I sit still in the presence of my Jesus? Did I wash the dishes with an attitude of thanksgiving? Did I look up at the sky in awe of the Creator? Do I boldly share my convictions and beliefs? Do I fight for the oppressed? Do I feel unsettled by the injustices in our country? Our world? Do I listen to other perspectives? Do I step into the stories of others and give them opportunities to hear our story? How do I treat my neighbors?
the pandemic continues
chaos swirls
racism still exists
division grows
hate is spoken
lies are spread
But who am I? How do I react? What do I say? What do I do?
I am not sovereign. I am not in control. But, I serve a God who is.
I am not perfect. But, my Jesus is perfect.
God is Healer
God uses chaos to reveal sin and lead us towards truth
God created ALL people
God is the God of reconciliation
God is love
God is truth
I no longer wanting to sit by and bite my tongue. I know that my silence is often perceived and received as condoning behaviors and beliefs. I believe that God equips and empowers those who follow HIm to fight for the oppressed. I want to be a soldier - I want to be used. Silence is easy because it doesn’t cost me anything. But my silence does cost others something.
On the other hand, my words and actions have the potential to cause harm and to divide. I want the overflow of my life to be empowering, encouraging, and filled with love. How do I use my words? Do my actions and words hurt others? Based on what I say and what I do is Jesus glorified?
I know that I cannot please everyone. Something I say or do can be misunderstood or perhaps simply not received well. Beliefs and preferences are not universal among our family, friends, co-workers, neighbors, or within the church. What I believe to be true based on life experiences and how I interpret the Word of God may not be what you believe to be true. Do I stay silent in order to avoid a misunderstanding or to protect how someone will see me? Do I speak with boldness knowing that I strive to please only one - the One? Do I sit on my hands instead of picking up a sign and marching down the street? Do I close my mouth instead of defending someone? Do I value what others think more than what God thinks? What am I willing to risk?
At the end of the day, can I sleep knowing I did my very best to love God and love others?
I can honestly say that I am not sure how to answer that question. But I can say that the fire in my belly and the tightness in my chest leads me to believe that I need to do better. To be better. I look around frustrated and disappointed in those who do not fight for the hurting, lonely, lost and oppressed. The reality is: how can I expect others to do something that I am too afraid to do myself.
Being better. Doing better. It starts with me.
Trusting the Nudge
My heart begins to beat a little faster and I feel a heaviness in my gut. The words or action overwhelm my thoughts and physically I feel my body propelling forward.
Physical symptoms of the Holy Spirit nudging me to say or do something.
The times I chose to ignore the physical signs of the Spirit’s prodding stand out as missed opportunities. I can list specific instances when I chose to ignore the words and ignore the actions because quite frankly I was nervous, unsure of myself, and felt super uncomfortable. Those missed moments have been filed away and have served as motivation towards obedience.
When I choose to speak words of truth or encouragement or to do something (offer a hug, write a note, send a message, give some money, or simply sit and listen), I feel the physical signs disappear. My heart rate returns to normal as the words pour out of me. Each moment of obedience serves as a reminder to me the next time to trust the nudge.
If I wake up in the morning thinking of someone, I send them a message or stop and pray for them. I have to. If I ignore it, I will continue to obsessively think about them because the Spirit is nudging me. If it is an inconvenient time to be obedient, I try to push through and remember that obedience is rarely about self and convenience.
Learning to trust the nudge from the Holy Spirit has been one of the most powerful lessons I have been taught.
Living in a country where I cannot speak the language fluently could become an excuse to ignore the nudge. I feel the physical signs. I hear the words. I feel the actions. It would be easy to say, “When I am fluent, I will be obedient.” Hesitantly, I grab the hand of someone who can translate and ask them to help me. God doesn’t care where I am living or what language I speak, He always provides, so I can continue to be obedient. No excuses - just obedience. Trusting the nudge of the Holy Spirit, I have had the sweetest opportunities to encourage and speak truth.
Sometimes the Holy Spirit’s nudge takes me by surprise because it is in response to someone else’s obedience to that same Holy Spirit. A few months ago, I asked on Facebook if anyone else would like to join our prayer team. Fairly quickly I received a message from a woman who we have known for years. We attended the same church 20 years ago and both her husband and her were on staff at the first church we helped plant in 2008. I would classify our relationship as co-workers and acquaintances - we weren’t super close. After the staff dismantled eighteen months later, we lost touch. Everyone moved on.
Karen’s message just said “add me to your prayer team.”
She followed that message with another one saying that if we ever had a prayer request or need that we couldn’t publicly share, to please let her know and she would pray and keep our confidence. Simple. The Spirit nudged Karen to join our prayer team and she did.
Within weeks, I was overwhelmed with the feeling that the more Scott and I invested in marriages here (through counseling, teaching, sharing, mentoring, etc.), the more likely we would be targeted and issues could easily arise in our own marriage. The picture that there was a target directly on us became clear and we needed someone to intercede on our behalf. I picked up my phone and messaged Karen. I shared with her that we were beginning to do some marriage counseling with a few couples and I asked her to pray for wisdom and discernment as we counseled but also to pray for our marriage. Karen prayed. Her prayers have been powerful and sweet in so many ways, but one way it has been particularly sweet is that I know she has insight into our lives. Her family served as missionaries in Spain and they have remained active in the world of missions. She knows. She gets it. I don’t have to put words to all of the thoughts, worries, and fears. She knows.
Karen’s moment of trusting the nudge from the Holy Spirit and my moment of being obedient and asking for prayer has provided us both with a sweet prayer relationship. Over the last few weeks, we have both been super vulnerable and transparent. Asking for prayer. Sharing the prayers we have prayed. A type of relationship that did not exist before, yet the Holy Spirit brought us together. I am so thankful that God knew what I needed. I am so thankful that Karen was obedient and messaged me. I am so thankful that I felt the target and I allowed a moment of transparency to message her back. I am so thankful.
It is a reminder to me that the more I practice obedience and trust the nudging of the Holy Spirit, the easier it becomes to speak and take action. Don’t get me wrong, this introvert is still nervous and would rather not get involved. But I have concrete examples of times that I ignored it and the times I was obedient; every single time I regretted the missed the opportunities and not once (EVER) have I regretted trusting the nudge.
It starts with me.
It starts with me trusting the Holy Spirit and taking steps of obedience.
It starts with one person reaching out and their willingness to enter into your life.
It starts with one and then the domino effect begins.
It starts with me.
It starts with you.
Listening to that small voice and being willing to obey.
Trusting the One who is speaking to you and believing that He will equip and empower each of us.
Willing to be inconvenienced and allowing the interruptions.
It starts with us; are you willing to trust the nudge?
Stillness
Stillness.
Most posts are a result of observations or thoughts that swirl around in my head. Words forming sentences. The need to take those words and put them down in a written format feels like water in a tea kettle. As I near the end of the post, I feel the pressure release because the observations or thoughts now exist in written format. If I don’t write the words, one of two things happens. The words haunt me; they will not leave me alone. Or, I lose the observation/thought; it is just gone.
In January 2020, I made a commitment to myself. I was going to write consistently even if the only person reading was me. I needed to write. The consistent writing was the tricky part for me because it meant that there could be many posts that were mediocre at best. In that season, the important part was that I simply wrote. The writing process, fine-tuning my voice, and the discipline of writing weekly became my primary goal. And God has been so very kind because for the most part each week, I sit down to write and I have a general idea of what I want or need to write. He provides the observations and thoughts.
However, this week the words were silent. Quiet.
With my laptop in my lap, I sit on the bed. The cursor is blinking - mocking me…
So in this moment, I will sit still. Perhaps the lesson for me today is to put the self-imposed goal of consistent writing aside. Quiet the critic living in my mind. Seek God’s voice in the silence.
“The Lord will fight for you, and you have only to be silent”
Alone in my room with the timer set for 5 minutes.
I begin with trying to stop the running list - wants, responsibilities, obligations, home, family, work, ministry, groceries, appointments… and then the word stillness appears. Surely I can make it 5 minutes. I begin to take stock of my physical body. From my head to my toes, what do I feel? My arms feel heavy and I can feel them pulling on my shoulders and neck. I usually carry all of my stress in my shoulders and neck. I notice that my joints feel great. I have struggled with arthritis since I was about 22 years old, but today I feel good. Tomorrow’s responsibilities pop up, but they are quickly followed by the words “intentional stillness”. Intentional stillness. Intentional stillness. How has the timer not gone off? Are Scott and the girls safe on their little scooter ride around Montellano? What in the world is going on outside with the shouting? Intentional stillness. Intentional stillness. Intentional stillness. Could I be intentionally still for one week? Do I create enough space to hear from God? Timer goes off.
“For thus said the Lord God, the Holy One of Israel,
“In returning and rest you shall be saved;
in quietness and in trust shall be your strength.””
5 more minutes.
Concentrating on my breaths. Breathe in for 5. Breathe out for 5. Breathe in Jesus. Breathe out the world. Breathe in joy. Breathe out fear. Breathe in truths. Breathe out lies. Breathe in stillness. Breathe out busyness. Breathe in Spirit. Breathe out self. Breathe in hope. Breathe out defeat. Breathe in forgiveness. Breathe out shame. Breathe in freedom. Breathe out expectations. Breathe in. Breathe out. I am genuinely surprised when the timer goes off.
In the pursuit of words and sentences, I missed the two words God was trying to draw my attention to - intentional stillness. I need to slow down and be present. Quiet the voices. Stop the lists. Simply sit before the Lord and allow for intentional stillness with the hopes that I will hear His voice.
I tell people all the time to “be present” and I believe with all of my heart that it is vital. I encourage others to take a Sabbath because OH MY WORD the Sabbath is amazing and changed my life when I started to observe it. I needed a reminder to create moments of stillness. It starts with me, and this week I commit to being intentionally still for 10 minutes a day and take note of the thoughts in my head, the way my body feels, the breaths I take, and the still small voice of Jesus.
“Be still, and know that I am God.
I will be exalted among the nations,
I will be exalted in the earth!”
4 Puzzle Truths
Every day, Scottie pulls out a puzzle and invites me to sit with her on the floor to put it together. Day after day, we assemble the picture working side by side. Each doing our part until it is finished, and we high-five our accomplishment.
As I try the puzzle piece to discover if it fits or not, I realize that in so many ways, our time on the floor has taught me 4 lessons about the life I am living.
1. We put our pieces into place differently. I always collect the edge pieces and create the border. Scottie finds something from the picture she wants to start with and begins with it. She works from the inside out. The way she assembles the puzzle makes ZERO sense to me, but she is able to do it with ease. Our approach is different, but neither way is wrong. In fact because we approach the puzzle differently, we are able to work seamlessly together. We are each playing our part. Isn’t that true for each of us? How I walk my purpose and life will look differently than how you walk your purpose and life. We so quickly want to jump to correcting or judging one another for how we live our life, but the truth is we are not all the same. We will see situations differently. We will have different perspectives because we have experienced different things. If we would encourage one another instead of judging, tearing down or forcing conformity, perhaps we could learn to work together to create something beautiful.
“Rather, speaking the truth in love, we are to grow up in every way into him who is the head, into Christ, from whom the whole body, joined and held together by every joint with which it is equipped, when each part is working properly, makes the body grow so that it builds itself up in love.”
2. We will make mistakes. Despite the fact that I have completed each puzzle multiple times, I continue to try to put the pieces in the wrong spots. But they won’t fit - no matter how hard I try. Each piece serves a specific purpose. Their connection is precise. If I give up after the first try, I wouldn’t make it very far. This specific lesson is tough for me. I like doing things correctly, being right, and being good. Having to keep trying over and over only illuminates my imperfections and then my critical voice begins to berate me. I have a choice each and every time. I can listen to the voice and give up, which will result in not completing the purposes God has planned for me, or I can admit that I am not perfect and try again. Make a different choice. Try something different. Ask for help. It takes a little longer. But each and every time God is refining me and reminding me that He doesn’t expect perfection from me. He is only asking for my obedience and willingness to pick up my cross and follow Him. With every choice to keep moving forward, I have hope because I know God has a plan and purpose for my life and I am simply walking into that plan.
“Then Jesus told his disciples, “If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross and follow me.”
3. The picture is the goal, but each piece contains hidden treasures. As Scottie and I work on our puzzle, the goal is to complete the puzzle and stand back and look at the picture. Often Scottie will ask questions like what is your favorite part? However, we have recently tried to take notice of each individual piece. The colors. The shapes. The hidden treasure in each piece. Living my life as a child of God, I have accepted my time here on earth is just a mist. A small blip of time because eternity is exponentially longer than the years here on earth. The big picture is to live my life loving God and loving others in such a way that the truth of the cross oozes out of my life and points others to Jesus. That’s the big picture. Holding one piece of my life in my hand and acknowledging the treasures God has gifted me. Some of these treasures are hard. They aren’t pretty and are full of pain, confusion, and sadness. Yet if I look a little closer, I will see that I survived because I wasn’t alone. Some parts are full of joy, happiness, and laughter and I hold these a little closer to remind me of God’s goodness when the hard piece is picked back up. All of these parts are all intertwined. It isn’t like one whole section of the big picture is joy and hope and another is pain and suffering. No, they exist side by side creating a masterpiece.
“For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them.”
4. I will not see the final picture and it’s fine. Scottie and I always keep the picture of what we are creating in front of us. We refer back to it for little details. The truth, is with my life, I am not given a final picture with each detail lined out. Would I even want that? I am a planner so theoretically it would seem I would want to know, but maybe the not knowing helps me to lean in closer to God and place all of my hope in Him and not my ability to see the picture. My hope comes in remembering who God is and His faithfulness in my life. My desire to keep going forward rests in knowing that He is the ultimate Creator and planner of my life - not me. Praise Jesus! My willingness to keep taking chances is because with every day in His presence He is molding me and shaping me into who He designed me to be. (Sometimes the molding HURTS!) Each part of my life is put in place and a little at a time the picture is slowly revealed to me. I cannot see it in it’s completed state, but there are glimpses. The glimpses encourage me. I know one day, I will stand before Jesus and glance over and see the completed picture. The complete life. And it will be something far more beautiful than I could possibly have imagined.
The picture is incomplete. A big pile of pieces sitting there waiting to be picked up and placed. Today, I choose to pick up a piece. Admire it. Give thanks for it. Look for the hidden treasure. And find its place - even if it takes me several tries. Today, I will follow Scottie’s lead and ask someone for help. Not judging how my person completes the puzzle. We will just work side by side each doing our part. I will take notice of those around me and give them a high-five as we celebrate the picture being created. Anticipating something beautiful, I am reminded that I am the one who has to pick up the piece. It starts with me.
Perception vs. Truth
Staring down at the number, I was dumbstruck. What I perceived to be true, the story I created in my head, was in fact a lie. What I witnessed with my eyes and how I interpreted what I saw was not factually true.
In the fall of 2018, I experienced a wake up call. A few statements by well intended people commenting about my weight replayed themselves in my head - over and over. Looking at the scale, I knew what they said was true - it was the heaviest I had ever been without being pregnant. I would see a picture of myself and not recognize the woman in the picture because she did not match up with how I imagine myself. (In my head, I always see 21 year old Amy!) I determined that I would do something about it for myself but also to end the voices in my head.
I am a stubborn woman with incredible self control when I can wrangle in my feelings and create a solid plan. The plan was to lose the 20 pounds by counting calories and exercising. I became wildly obsessed, noting every single thing I ate and entering it into my app. I craved the long walks, the quietness yoga provided, and the numbing out on a exercise bike. My efforts paid off, but it took time and persistence. I reached my goal weight at 9 months, but then our life shifted.
We were packing up our home and preparing to embark on our journey to the Dominican Republic. We were gypsies living in other people’s spaces and all sense of normalcy and healthy rhythms disappeared. I stopped counting calories. I stopped exercising.
We arrive in the DR and I notice that I don’t feel right in my skin. I know what I ought to do, but it is NOT what I want to do. I want to eat what I want to eat. I want to read my books and not spend the time practicing yoga or pilates. I certainly don’t want to go on a walk in our neighborhood because that would push me beyond my comfort level. So I hide.
The uneasiness in my body continues. I just don’t like how I feel or what I see in the mirror. All of that hard work and dedication just slipping away and I am literally just standing by allowing it to happen. I feel my confidence slipping. I watch my sweet friends exercising daily and being ever so mindful of what they eat and I don’t feel inspired but rather defeated because of my lack of motivation.
But two weeks ago, I woke up with a renewed determination. I didn’t plan it ahead of time - I am a girl who likes to put together a plan, but I didn’t. I knew two things - I needed to watch my calorie intake and make healthy food choices, and I needed to move my body. Every bite is accounted for on my trusty phone app. I say no when I need to say no and make a choice at every meal and snack. I feel stronger because I am being thoughtful in my choices.
As Scott heads out to grab some groceries, I ask him to buy a scale so I can properly monitor my weight loss. Knowing the number will help me to know what is working and what is not.
Stepping onto that scale, I fully expected the number to be close to what it was in the summer of 2018. What I saw in the mirror was the best indicator of what was happening. But here is the truth - it was not what I thought or believed to be true. Oh I had gained some weight, but it was less than 5 pounds. Not 20 pounds. How could my eyes and feelings confuse me so much that I saw and felt something that was not true? Months of feeling frumpy and trying to hide my body and it was all a lie - a mind game that I created and played. My opponent in that game was in fact me. I needed a scientific number to speak truth to me and to shine light on the lie.
““Everything exposed by the light is made visible, for what makes everything visible is light. Therefore it is said: Get up, sleeper, and rise up from the dead, and Christ will shine on you.””
All week, I kept thinking of the many months I allowed feelings to guide my actions and alter what I saw. My perception and thought patterns were wrong. What other areas of my life do I allow my feelings and perceptions to alter what is true - religion, politics, social justice, racism, conservatism, liberalism, pandemic, conspiracy theories, motivations, and the list goes on and on. I must take a step back and bring out the scale that will shine light on the world around me and show me truth. So I sit with the Bible in my lap and I ask God to show me truth. If that truth is inconvenient or hard to accept, may I not close the Bible but rather dive in more. If that truth reveals sin in my life, may I not justify my actions and words but repent. If that truth forces me to have hard conversations, may I not shy away but lean into them. If the truth is not what I have always believed or done, may I not become stagnant but walk towards growth.
I do not want to perceive the world through faulty eyes. I want to see it as it is and make choices that align with the truth. And I will wholly embrace what is and hope for what could be, just as I will wholly embrace this imperfect body and hope for eyes to see it clearly.
Living the Unexpected
Our backyard in the Dominican Republic is gorgeous. The woman we rent the house from loves her yard and has spent years choosing and planting specific plants. We have lived in this house for 10 months, and there are still days that I walk outside and see something new - the unexpected.
A few weeks ago, I walked outside and headed towards the hammocks. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw this beautiful flower. It is the first time I have seen this flower and it was growing amongst the green plants. It was the only one. It was perfect and bright. The fragility and beauty of this flower among the lush greenness spoke to my heart.
I couldn’t take my eyes off of it because it was just so very unexpected. I ran inside and grabbed my phone just take a picture of this hidden gem because I knew it was God’s kindness - I just didn't know how.
The image of this flower rests in the forefront of my mind, and I am reminded of how my heart felt in that moment. The past two months, I have felt a little fragile myself. I stood knee deep in self doubt and questioned my actions, my character, and my perception of events and relationships. I felt alone in the midst of all of the thriving around me.
The flower was living and thriving in the Dominican heat. The flower stood out amongst the green lushness because it was different. The flower reminded me that our Creator has the most amazing imagination and His attention to detail is unfathomable.
We all have the opportunity to be that flower. The unexpected beauty full of hope living amongst the green.
My deepest desire is to be a shining light for Jesus. I hope that when I am with others (in person and online) they see a glimpse of the Jesus I love. I firmly believe that one way we glorify God is when our lives demonstrate the hope we have because of Jesus. I could continue to stand in the muck of loneliness and self doubt OR I could hold onto the truth that the Creator has a plan for me. He pays attention to the details of my life and He is directing my path. I can choose to jump back on the path He has set before me, or I can stand in the muck. It is ultimately my choice.
“For we are His workmanship [His own master work, a work of art], created in Christ Jesus [reborn from above—spiritually transformed, renewed, ready to be used] for good works, which God prepared [for us] beforehand [taking paths which He set], so that we would walk in them [living the good life which He prearranged and made ready for us]. ”
The spiral into self doubt completely caught me off guard. In so many ways it silenced my voice - the words no longer came to mind. But this flower reminded me that God sees me and although I feel alone and misunderstood, He is with me and knows my heart.
“Let your character [your moral essence, your inner nature] be free from the love of money [shun greed—be financially ethical], being content with what you have; for He has said, “I will never [under any circumstances] desert you [nor give you up nor leave you without support, nor will I in any degree leave you helpless], nor will I forsake or let you down or relax My hold on you [assuredly not]!” ”
I choose to be the beautiful flower among the green plants.
I choose living the unexpected.
Living the unexpected life starts with me. And so I climb out of the muck, hop back on His path, and begin to live with purpose and for a purpose.